i think i've given up

i didnt want to blog about this because i thought there was still hope, that it could still be salvaged
but i have seen for myself that i really should just give up. totally.
you cant imagine how sick and tired i am of all this nonsense
the worst thing is, i dont even know why it happened
i really cant understand how someone can turn his/her back on a friend so quickly..
shouldnt friendship be about tolerating another's flaws and accomodating them?
yes i know im not perfect. if you cant accept me for who i am then why be my friend in the first place? if you're gonna hurt me after that i'd rather i never met you..

believe me, i really wanted everything to work out, to go back to how it was..and i did think it actually was for a period of time! then what happened after that? im totally clueless

was our friendship so fragile right from the start? that everything can so cruelly be destroyed by NOTHING (at least to me). that you could forsake it so easily, without getting affected a single bit at all? i really thought u were a great friend, someone i could have fun with yet confide in at the same time..but where has all that gone to? what exactly happened? maybe im oversensitive, too easily affected..and that's what you cant stand about me..but all i know is that i have never done anything against you consciously, or offended you deliberately and i really cant understand what you hate about me so much, when we could be such great friends in the past..if i had that flaw i had it right from the start..why is it only now that you start to loathe it?

maybe you'll never know how many times i've cried alone about this..but i guess you wont care anyway..the whole thing doesnt seem to matter to you anyway

i'm tired of trying, of hoping, of still believing that there is hope
its too emotionally draining
its too difficult to put up a strong front all the time

i really dont know what to expect anymore
i learn new things about this world all the time
i wish i never had to grow up
i just want to run away from it all..but the reality that i cant just makes everything worse..


i guess i should learn to let go, to move on and leave all this behind

warghhh i ate soo much junk food over the weekend i think the flab over my stomach just grew thicker by 1 cm!! i can feel it already! :x

ONG ENG SIN!! all ur fault la offer so much nonsense to us on the table! haha u die oredy im gonna tell ur brother everything!! u two are seriously damn funny..nway i really wish we could just go visit u everyday and slack the day away..and we'll secretly throw BEAR away one of these days!! muahahahaha ok i feel evil..haha..just very funny to see ur reaction..

nway i was looking for pics of auroras online damn nice! too bad i dunno how to upload them here..i think it'd be an experience of a lifetime if i could go see it for myself! it really looks so magical..

haha ok i shall stop finding more excuses to slack..like now..byebye!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUKIT!! eh sorry YU KIT
haha see i remembered the space in your name! :D


if only everything now could be as simple and innocent as they were in the past..
i would never grow up then..
is that good or bad?

wouldnt it be nice if the happy moments in our life could be recorded in some tangible form? then we'd be able to look back on them clearly, without having to search through our memory..as we get older, even the memories which were once so vivid and evoking start to fade and become vague and unclear..and the sweet, lingering feeling of happiness that comes with those memories starts to disappear too..

i hope i dont ever have to regret anything that i have done or will do..regret is really the worst feeling in the world to have..cos most of the time there's nothing we can do about it but let the feeling just fade away with time..i hope even more that when i look back on my past days of my life in future, there'll be no phase i'd particularly want to block out..cos it'll mean i didnt live my life the way i wanted to, according to my own principles and expectations..haiz but i know it's impossible to hope like this anyway..i'm not perfect..i'll definitely do things i know im not supposed to..things that let others and myself down..

i think as i grow older, even my principles change..i experience more things that change my perception of life, of people..i learn new ways of dealing with old problems..and sometimes, indifference is really the best policy..though i never used to like indifferent people, cos i didnt see the point in behaving coolly and coldly..it's sad that im becoming one myself..

that is why i really cant decide for myself if im doing the right things or not..but then, who knows what will happen next and who is to judge what is correct? i've learnt that human relations are the most unpredictable in this world..there's never one fixed, correct way to go about dealing with it..maybe i shouldnt be thinking so much in the first place..i cant help but think that thinking too much makes me a complex person..but i cant help it too..

i shall just take things one step at a time then..

shall go watch the last episode of my 7 o'clock show now! :)

cycling at ubin is fun! and uplifting too...
hope my mosquito bites dont itch tmr though..haha


i'll try my best to make it!

i think for a friendship to work it takes both to care enough about it
i've learnt not to expect too much
but i thought that its natural to do so
maybe we're just not that close anymore
after all these, will we still keep in touch?
or go our separate ways with only memories to cling on to

i know so many things will change..
i'm quite resistant to change acually..so i still feel my life has been quite peaceful..
i dont know how things will be like
but there's not much point thinking so far also..not that i can do much about it
i may promise myself to do many things now..but i think promises to yourself are the easiest to break and forget..just like new year resolutions..they seem to give a kind of direction to our lives initially..but after a while we tend to lose focus and i just live my life one day at a time..its good in a way because i dont get worried unnecessarily about the future, but then its all because im lazy to think so far and i also end up worrying about much more trivial stuff..

back to promises to myself..i think i forget them easily because i know it'll not really make much of a difference to anyone else's life..and no one will know if i break them at all..and i think constantly trying to reevaluate myself and my life is too tiring and i dont get anywhere from there too..i think i have so many flaws that not many know about..does that make me a scary person?

yz was telling me that day about ppl being deep and scheming and doing things which just put others off unknowingly..but i was thinking..arent these ppl the shallow people? who do simply what their mind tells them to..not caring about what other people think of them..then if i think negative thoughts but dont actually put any of them into action does that make me an even more scary and 'deep' person in that sense?

i think im too concerned over not offending anyone that i dont really open my heart to most people..i restrict what i say most of the time..cos i feel many people are still in the process of judging me..that they're not ready to accept me totally for who i am and whatever flaws i have..nway i feel that being concerned like this is in itself a flaw too..but i can never know the perfect way of being a human being too..the perfect way of doing things or thinking..

bleah im back to reevaluating my actions again im just contradicting myself
ok i dont even know the point of this whole post actually

nway to kwa, yunhua, tyz, yk etc who tagged, hello! haha though i see u all everyday la..except kwa! sorry even i cant reply on my own tagboard too haha..all yunhua's fault! help me set up this lousy tagboard! hahahahah :p

haha yay! my hotmail's finally upgraded to 250mb..up til ytd it was only 2 mb and it was ALWAYS full! then everyone else said they had 250mb..then i was wondering why they neglected my account..haha so after yrs of procrastinating i finally wrote to them and told them bout my problem! haha and guess wad! it was all because i set my location under my profile to afghanistan la! n apparently it'n not a country which supports the upgrading of the storage space or sth..haha..so it was my own fault all along..but very good! at least i dont have to delete my emails painfully now!

ahh chapteh's so fun! all of us should play more often! but i think im quite lousy all my muscles are aching now..haha i dont even get muscle aches from pe..so it shows that chapteh is more physically demanding so we should all play chapteh for pe! and not those fitness management stuff!

yay im finally in the mood to blog again though i dunno what to write also
but must faster write while the happiness stays! :)

getting something that was almost once lost back can really make me happy
it just makes me appreciate it more
but that is bad..does that mean i have to keep almost losing things before i can really start to cherish them? and i think i'll slowly start forgetting to cherish them once things go back to their normal pace too..haiss

but anyway, this is supposed to be a happy post!
i'm happy today!
it's been so long since i last felt that everything in my life is going smoothly
nothing worth worrying or being sad about at all
ok maybe my imperfections, but that's another matter..something i can control anyway

haha kbox was fun!! my first time..haha and time just flew by like that..but friday was a really really nice day..haha we were at least slightly more hip and happening for once right! :p and it was so fulfilling going to suntec! though i hardly ever go there..cos i was reading bout some art exhibition in the papers that morning..then i was thinking it'd be nice if i could go see..budden i never go see such stuff..then when we reached suntec and roamed about for quite a while just trying to find an eatery (haha!) i realized that the exhibition was actually THERE!! then i was so happy..but i couldnt find that art piece they featured in the newspapers though...and i was very impressed by these 2 pieces of art made out of paper cuttings!! it was really very intricate lor..i dunno how they cut until so xi..like those kind of cards they have to use laser to cut out the design one..haha ok i think all these sound very boring..

then later kwa came! our saviour and guide! haha i think if not we'll spend another hour finding the kbox or sth..and she brought some discount card along too!

nway, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ZHIXIAN!! hope you had a nice one...

:( i feel like im teething i wanna bite someone!!

seeing all of you again was like the highlight of my whole week

school's getting dreadful

i've refrained from blogging so many times this week cos i know it'll all be negative stuff nway

i miss nanyang so much. if only everything now could be as simple as they were in the past..

perception
is such an all-encompassing word

ok sorry i guess i was being oversensitive as usual..but im glad i had the chance to talk things out..though i really never expected myself to even come close to letting it all out..

i really dont wanna be like this, but i cant help but get affected easily..guess its just in my nature.. :( haiz

and to xiaogui! cheer up! stop thinking u're lousy cos u're really NOT! and ur 'latest phenomenon' of twitching cheeks damn funny la..anyway i was listening to the radio just now and some guy said that twitching parts of your body like ur eyelids or fingers etc. are a sign of stress! so just relax and dont be so nervous la! the world's not out to judge us..and the worst thing about you is that the more u start reflecting about such stuff the worse you feel, and you develop misconceptions about yourself which aren't true at all! must be happy k? you still have us no matter wad! :)

haha binbin tagged me..cliched stuff as usual!

Rules: Tagged person must come up with 8 points about his/her perfect lover.... must include the gender of ur lover...

anyway, binbin! sorry i'm not gonna do it properly la..haha..aiya think the most basic thing is for him to have good morals and be nice to me can oredy..of cos must love me too!

haha which reminds me of that cards thing zit was doing for me to predict the qualities of my future husband..haha it showed that he doesnt love me!!! warghhhh so sad right

haha ok i think i sound damn bimbotic talking about such stuff i shall stop it!


dinner yesterday was nice as usual..so happy binbin finally agreed to meet us again! haha! sorry i didnt go early enough to study wif u at ny lib..i would love to go in again but i dont wanna get stared at! and to ouou! please dont eat some spicy tomyam noodles if u cant take the spice la!! so LOSER lorrr hehe..and i noticed a stark difference between hc and rj again..when we went in ytd, it was quite dark and late oredy, but it was still full of activity..ppl training for netball, the huang cheng ppl all having dinner together..xiaogui's junior even offered us pizza! haha too bad we were too full oredy..ya it was just warm and homely la..ppl staying back not for academic purposes..in rj during this hour, ppl would most probably either be mugging in the canteen or in the library..there's no mass activity to bond the people together..even hc's canteen which had birdshit on the tables seemed more romantic..haha! but rj is still nice for me la cos i think my class is nice..at least i have ppl like yk and zhixian to stay back wif me just for fun..to mug together in class or just stone around..i think it'd be scary if i were in a class whose ppl would just zao home or off for cca or sth..then i can imagine myself alone in the classroom still packing my bag with no one else around anymore..think 3m is somewhat like 4/9..apart from the fact that there are guys now la..cos i find the ppl nice on the whole..and there's not really an outcast or whatever, which i think really sucks..

haha ok i dunno where im heading towards..just felt my life is quite blessed.. :)

why cant i just be more mature about things?


i think being nonchalant and detached is good.