one year without you..

hmmm time really flies..
so many things can happen in a year
but still, even if it were possible for us to know what's gonna happen next i wouldnt want to know
i guess hope stems from uncertainty
and all of us feed on hope to survive

its been exactly one year now..
i still think of you and feel sad
but i'd rather feel sad than let the memories fade with time..
which i think they are already..
i think its true that sorrow makes us human
if the sadness comes from positive memories or thoughts, then being sad is not necessarily a bad thing..

but being sad over things that affect us negatively is just a waste of time
it consumes us and we gain nothing from it in the end
i've learnt that its easier to let go, be it big problems or petty grudges..

living up to my conscience is the most important thing for me..
cos i dont think i can face the rest of the world without first being able to face myself
i wish i was incapable of thinking negative thoughts
i hate times when i look down on my own character
i hate to think that people perceive me to be more simple than i am..
does it make me hypocritical?

aiya aiya then just take it to be their fault for not being able to see the more complex side of me la!
i still hope i'm relatively simple though
makes life easier for everyone..

haha i dunno what im writing also la
hope everyone stays happy and healthy! :)
haha sounds like some new year greeting
but i mean it! :D

ok bye..


you'll always stay in our hearts...

:)

went back to ny for the funfair today..
haha we went to the haunted house which wasnt scary at all!
den we just slacked in the 4/9 classroom while waiting for BIMBOS yuna, chua and ULTIMATE BIMBO chua hui boon!! to finish their $3 manicure which took like more than an hour??! i really miss having lessons wif all of u..the classroom looks a bit different now though..how can they use dark grey curtains???! all the computers are gone too..n they changed the comp on the teacher's table to some new black one haha..n of cos, the biggest change was that there were no more of those inspirational posters which mr chan bought to paste ALL OVER the classroom..haha

we met a few teachers..and strangely, it was the teachers whom we least expected to remember us who actually did..mdm yick, lee shanshan..quite sad mr chan and wu laoshi cant really remember us anymore..but its quite expected la given the sheer number of students they meet every year..haha BUT potato chan ONLY remembers his model student CHARlene kwa!!! haha! (char pronounced as in CHARlie :p)

ahh i feel so bad it was like yuna and weeleng who kinda sponsored us wif all the food and stuff!! cos they had coupons..nvm must treat u all back next time k! :D

den we went down to orchard..was supposed to watch movie but no good time slots so we ended up sitting down and talking instead..haha i learnt lotsa rj and hc gossip and i felt so ignorant! hahaha

warghh i really really miss nanyang sooooooooooo much..to an extent that it depresses me..i've never felt so comfortable wif a group of people, dare to say wadeva i feel like and being happy by just being in their company..its such a rare feeling for me now...

oooh and im so proud of yuna!! she actually appreciates my cute rainbow and sunshine lorr! haha she very cute la cos i sent 3 pics of them over to her phone and she kept changing her wallpaper between the pics..so fickled la!! but nwayyy here's a cute picture of rainbow for u!! hehe..dont have sunshine cos i haven used the digicam to take him yet..and i dunno how to upload pics from my phone..haha




thank you to all of you who really made my day today.. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACELYN!! :D

haha im still very fascinated by my POWER to upload pictures! so shall upload one picture wif every entry until i get sian of it..haha..nway the pic was taken on mount kinabalu! dunno by who though..i think its very nice!!

haha i think im a very boring person all the pictures in my phone are either of rainbow and sunshine, my cousins' dogs, flowers or nice scenery..hardly any people inside..apart from zilian ppl like tyz and zit who always use my phone to take pictures of themselves! haha!

and wildlook meeting today was damn unproductive! jeffrey and nasty introduced me to this hard gay guy..very disgusting! but quite funny haha..thankew nasty for the gummies! u really go buy lor so touched..buy something back for you next time!

and to ong sai bin, ong eng sin, tan yan zhen, kwa and liowliow...

I MISS YOU ALL..


and to gracelyn...
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!
love ya always...

muahaha im testing my newly-found skills of posting pictures so i just posted two nice pictures! the first one is from damn long ago when i let rainbow fly around in my toilet..and she ended up beside my rabbit figurines..and yk said she has fat legs in that picture! haha!

the next one is from the many many scenery pictures i downloaded..i have this hobby of looking at all the pictures of nice scenery and flowers and downloading them! i think photos have this special power of changing one's moods..and the atmosphere of that scene in the photo really comes out very effectively..if it doesnt take so long to upload photos i'll want to put my whole collection here! haha :p

ok i dunno how the pictures will turn out i shall publish the post and see!

life's actually really nice if we're able to block off worthless things from our minds..thinking about negative things, people just make me feel negative about myself..so i wont anymore!

its comforting to know that there are so many nicer people out there, and these are the blessings i should be thankful for

i guess different people have different standards of their own conscience
i'm glad i respect mine a lot

im sorry to the both of you..i just felt being away from certain stuff is the best way to keep myself from thinking about them at all..i still do treasure our friendships :)

i think i've matured a little..haha that's a blessing in disguise too right?

im so so glad its finally the holidays! yk remember our iceskating k! :D

i think i've given up

i didnt want to blog about this because i thought there was still hope, that it could still be salvaged
but i have seen for myself that i really should just give up. totally.
you cant imagine how sick and tired i am of all this nonsense
the worst thing is, i dont even know why it happened
i really cant understand how someone can turn his/her back on a friend so quickly..
shouldnt friendship be about tolerating another's flaws and accomodating them?
yes i know im not perfect. if you cant accept me for who i am then why be my friend in the first place? if you're gonna hurt me after that i'd rather i never met you..

believe me, i really wanted everything to work out, to go back to how it was..and i did think it actually was for a period of time! then what happened after that? im totally clueless

was our friendship so fragile right from the start? that everything can so cruelly be destroyed by NOTHING (at least to me). that you could forsake it so easily, without getting affected a single bit at all? i really thought u were a great friend, someone i could have fun with yet confide in at the same time..but where has all that gone to? what exactly happened? maybe im oversensitive, too easily affected..and that's what you cant stand about me..but all i know is that i have never done anything against you consciously, or offended you deliberately and i really cant understand what you hate about me so much, when we could be such great friends in the past..if i had that flaw i had it right from the start..why is it only now that you start to loathe it?

maybe you'll never know how many times i've cried alone about this..but i guess you wont care anyway..the whole thing doesnt seem to matter to you anyway

i'm tired of trying, of hoping, of still believing that there is hope
its too emotionally draining
its too difficult to put up a strong front all the time

i really dont know what to expect anymore
i learn new things about this world all the time
i wish i never had to grow up
i just want to run away from it all..but the reality that i cant just makes everything worse..


i guess i should learn to let go, to move on and leave all this behind

warghhh i ate soo much junk food over the weekend i think the flab over my stomach just grew thicker by 1 cm!! i can feel it already! :x

ONG ENG SIN!! all ur fault la offer so much nonsense to us on the table! haha u die oredy im gonna tell ur brother everything!! u two are seriously damn funny..nway i really wish we could just go visit u everyday and slack the day away..and we'll secretly throw BEAR away one of these days!! muahahahaha ok i feel evil..haha..just very funny to see ur reaction..

nway i was looking for pics of auroras online damn nice! too bad i dunno how to upload them here..i think it'd be an experience of a lifetime if i could go see it for myself! it really looks so magical..

haha ok i shall stop finding more excuses to slack..like now..byebye!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUKIT!! eh sorry YU KIT
haha see i remembered the space in your name! :D


if only everything now could be as simple and innocent as they were in the past..
i would never grow up then..
is that good or bad?

wouldnt it be nice if the happy moments in our life could be recorded in some tangible form? then we'd be able to look back on them clearly, without having to search through our memory..as we get older, even the memories which were once so vivid and evoking start to fade and become vague and unclear..and the sweet, lingering feeling of happiness that comes with those memories starts to disappear too..

i hope i dont ever have to regret anything that i have done or will do..regret is really the worst feeling in the world to have..cos most of the time there's nothing we can do about it but let the feeling just fade away with time..i hope even more that when i look back on my past days of my life in future, there'll be no phase i'd particularly want to block out..cos it'll mean i didnt live my life the way i wanted to, according to my own principles and expectations..haiz but i know it's impossible to hope like this anyway..i'm not perfect..i'll definitely do things i know im not supposed to..things that let others and myself down..

i think as i grow older, even my principles change..i experience more things that change my perception of life, of people..i learn new ways of dealing with old problems..and sometimes, indifference is really the best policy..though i never used to like indifferent people, cos i didnt see the point in behaving coolly and coldly..it's sad that im becoming one myself..

that is why i really cant decide for myself if im doing the right things or not..but then, who knows what will happen next and who is to judge what is correct? i've learnt that human relations are the most unpredictable in this world..there's never one fixed, correct way to go about dealing with it..maybe i shouldnt be thinking so much in the first place..i cant help but think that thinking too much makes me a complex person..but i cant help it too..

i shall just take things one step at a time then..

shall go watch the last episode of my 7 o'clock show now! :)

cycling at ubin is fun! and uplifting too...
hope my mosquito bites dont itch tmr though..haha


i'll try my best to make it!

i think for a friendship to work it takes both to care enough about it
i've learnt not to expect too much
but i thought that its natural to do so
maybe we're just not that close anymore
after all these, will we still keep in touch?
or go our separate ways with only memories to cling on to

i know so many things will change..
i'm quite resistant to change acually..so i still feel my life has been quite peaceful..
i dont know how things will be like
but there's not much point thinking so far also..not that i can do much about it
i may promise myself to do many things now..but i think promises to yourself are the easiest to break and forget..just like new year resolutions..they seem to give a kind of direction to our lives initially..but after a while we tend to lose focus and i just live my life one day at a time..its good in a way because i dont get worried unnecessarily about the future, but then its all because im lazy to think so far and i also end up worrying about much more trivial stuff..

back to promises to myself..i think i forget them easily because i know it'll not really make much of a difference to anyone else's life..and no one will know if i break them at all..and i think constantly trying to reevaluate myself and my life is too tiring and i dont get anywhere from there too..i think i have so many flaws that not many know about..does that make me a scary person?

yz was telling me that day about ppl being deep and scheming and doing things which just put others off unknowingly..but i was thinking..arent these ppl the shallow people? who do simply what their mind tells them to..not caring about what other people think of them..then if i think negative thoughts but dont actually put any of them into action does that make me an even more scary and 'deep' person in that sense?

i think im too concerned over not offending anyone that i dont really open my heart to most people..i restrict what i say most of the time..cos i feel many people are still in the process of judging me..that they're not ready to accept me totally for who i am and whatever flaws i have..nway i feel that being concerned like this is in itself a flaw too..but i can never know the perfect way of being a human being too..the perfect way of doing things or thinking..

bleah im back to reevaluating my actions again im just contradicting myself
ok i dont even know the point of this whole post actually

nway to kwa, yunhua, tyz, yk etc who tagged, hello! haha though i see u all everyday la..except kwa! sorry even i cant reply on my own tagboard too haha..all yunhua's fault! help me set up this lousy tagboard! hahahahah :p