i realized being productive makes me very happy! cos i spend the rest of the day feeling proud of myself! hahaa...i think this must be the most productive weekend so far in jc..i actually touched the tutorials of all 4 subjects! haha ok..tyz's gonna say im showing off again..but i dont care! im still very proud of myself..so im just slacking now..

nway i took a video of rainbow and sunshine today! nothing special though..haha i wanna upload it here leh but i dunno how to! :( yunhua or yk teach me!

and i wanna say that xiaogui's parents are really really nice..one of the nicest friend's parents i've ever seen..

and to binbin, i really hope you wont be so stressed anymore..everything will be fine eventually one! :) we'll always be here for you.. :)

haha actually i have nothing to write..tyz asked me to post one.. bleah

hmmm the past week has been extremely emotional for me..i think im a very weak person..when something happens, im actually at a loss at what to do most of the time..im not even sure if what im doing is correct at all..i think i let my emotions control and run my actions too much..that i just cant think rationally sometimes..

im so glad things are ok now..its like a renewal of some sort i guess..at least i feel this way..at least this whole affair gave me the opportunity to reevaluate myself, my life and get me out of just simply wandering through life..out of not understanding myself anymore..

still, i feel i dont deserve to get things going my way all the time..it makes me feel selfish..that i only feel happy when my life is going well..i've cared too much about myself that im not fit to have such a happy life..

i wanna be a better person!


thank you zhixian for the nice long phonecall we had..it really really made me feel better.. :) you're a really great friend! caring so much even though it doesnt concern you at all.. love ya! :)

was in a good mood today so i was super productive! the most i ever been this whole yr i think..did my chem n bio tutorial! hehe..even though i took a 3 hr nap in between..

i think its really really true that you never realize the worth of something until you're close to losing it.. :(

i think i deserve to be friendless
i hate it when i become someone i don't even know, someone i hate myself to be
and the worse thing is i cant get out of that mood
sometimes i feel im less and less able to control my emotions and mood nowadays..
maybe i'll become some madman one day..
i really felt crazy the day before piano exam..it was not so much of stress..just being confused..but dunno over what also! was just very luan..and i hate it when im moody cos i start to lose myself..

piano exam sucked :( the examiner was nice though..but its over nway! :)



nway, im really really sorry for all the mood swings...

hehe i finally saw rainbow and sunshine kiss this morning! so cute lor..my mummy has been telling me about it but i never got to see it for myself..rainbow was on the box..then she was like reaching out as far as she could, then she tilted her head to one side and her beak was open..then at first sunshine just daoed her..like look at her then look away..budden finally they 'locked' beaks! haha damn cute!! and rainbow just laid two more eggs! dont think they're fertilized though..

and i was quite happy cos i suddenly felt that my mind was clear for once on the bus today..budden i started dreaming and i actually missed the stop! argh..then had to walk back all the way to the previous bus stop..haiss..and come home so early for once also no use..cos i slept my entire afternoon away! argh..

the weather was nice and sunny today..but being alone and walking under the sun sumhow just gets me into a reflective mood.. :(

im seriously gonna die for my piano exam..the more i play the more demoralized i get! cant wait for it to be over though i dont want it to come too!

haiz i dont even know what my priorities in life are anymore..

being with you all is so nice cos i can just be totally myself..even if im moody or wad it doesnt matter cos i know none of you will judge me anymore.. :) we may be the most uncool clique in the world but what's most important is how we enjoy one another's company and what bonds us together is not being cool together but being there for each other when the time comes.. i'm so thankful for all of you really! :D

auntie warsi's birthday today..wonder if she still remembers me..i wanna wish her but i dunno how to contact her! so sad she still used to call us just 2 years ago..i really miss her a lot! i couldnt really appreciate it in the past when i was young, but now i know how noble she was to have bought christmas presents for kimberly and me with her own money which she so painstakingly earned..and all the other small things..like buying this jelly thing for me cos she knew i liked it..

people just come and go in our lives..i wonder how many will actually stay on with me for life..

:( i realized its been my fault all along..i always thought i was somebody who'd always do the right stuff about friendships..like cherishing them and being thankful for them..but im wrong!! i was so stupid and irresponsible to always push the blame to other people when a friendship doesnt hold out..cos the problem lies with me..i let a barrier of awkwardness form so easily in my mind..i always say i don't keep in touch with some of my old friends cos im afraid of the awkwardness..but actually i may be the only one feeling it..but in the end the friendship suffers cos i naturally distance myself from those friends and there's a huge part of me i hide away when we finally do get to talk and update one another a little on our lives respectively..im also just lazy to go explain things right from the start, all over again, to each old friend that i speak to..

so its just me all along..

hmmm..haiz but the fact that both of us have gone on so well with our lives without the inclusion of each other shows that the friendship didnt matter that much to either of us..if not we would have done something at least to save it.. :(

now when i sometimes feel like calling up my old friends, im not even sure if they're interested in the first place to catch up with me..not that my life is very much worth knowing about anyway..i dont wanna seem like a nuisance too..

played chapteh again today! so fun..but i always feel damn lousy when playing with a group of guys..though they're v tolerant towards my lousiness..hmm always get the feeling they'd rather me not play..cos im so lousy! :( but yk and zx's always playing cards nowadays! no one to play chapteh wif me..

haha but the yk's dunno wad slap jack game very exciting! can play next time too! :)

haha binbin came over today! she was supposed to wake me up at 430 for me to practise my piano and go for piano at 5! but both of us fell asleep and slept till 515! haha so i was late for piano again..why do i always feel so sleepy before piano??

dinner today was nice! :)

haiz i think i take too many things for granted..things and people that i'll really regret not cherishing until they're no longer around..but life just goes on in such a monotonous fashion that i often forget to be thankful..haiz i need somebody to remind and scold me constantly! i really hate myself sometimes..

i feel tired so easily nowadays that i find it difficult to focus my thoughts! everything seems a blur when i try to think at all..im just like wandering through life..and my dreams are always so real that i often mix what happened in my dreams with actual events that occur in my life! ahh im dead oredy..i wanna be clearer about everything..i feel like im de guo qie guoing..it really makes me feel quite helpless at times leh.. :(

maybe i really have learnt the skill of detachment (if u all read tuesdays with morrie)..like being able to make urself not think about something cos u already know the feeling (most probably a negative one) thinking about it will give u..so u choose to not delve deep into those memories at all..though sometimes, going back to those memories, feeling sad once in a while, all over again, makes you feel more human, and rekindles those feelings which would otherwise just slowly diminish cos there're no more opportunities to feel that way and forge more memories again...

i miss my childhood so much!

i remember on chinese new year's eve in the past, we would all bring along new pyjamas to gong gong's hse..then we'd bathe and all of us would change into new pyjamas!

or how kimberly and i would go into ahbok's or pohpoh's room and count our angbao money together..hehe..im not even interested how many hongbaos i get now..i dont specially like money..but i dont like to waste it either..

and how cheryl, marcus, zoey and me would carry those battery-operated lanterns together on mid-autumn festival..those wif the ahlian music playing one..i remember gong gong gave us all this nice, beaded lantern on one of the years..i dont know where it is now..haiz..i used to keep it!

how we wouldnt mind just sitting there in gonggong's hse arranging uno stacko pieces in a pattern then creating some domino game while the adults played mahjong..then i'd go over to pohpoh's hse where kimberly would be waiting for me..and when auntie warsi was still around..i miss her soooo much! i remember i wrote her this long letter..and i was crying while i wrote it..i brought it all the way to the airport but forgot to give it to her in the end! so its still in my drawer..haha..yupp but i din really enjoy having to greet all my grandmother's friends whom i din even know..just to act like that guai, well-mannered girl..

and most of all, how kimberly and i used to quarrel so much! its unbelieveable la..all the spiteful things i used to say that i cant believe could actually come out of my mouth..but we're all much more mature now..but i really miss how we'd play five stones, zero point (even at the bus stop and during lunch!), all the funny board games...ooh and how i lost dunno how many thousands to u in monopoly..it traumatized me till now! hahah so i don enjoy the game anymore..all ur fault! haha..all the funny things we used to do..its really nv ending la..picking pebbles from the AIA near ur changi house..bathing together using ur funny timotei shampoo at east coast..all our role playing when i'd be the maid!!! haha..ahhhh i really miss our childhood so much..ooh! and all the 'nice feeling' dunno wad spa service in maingoh's room! hahaha damn funny la that one..and our anamaniacs game!! i remember i even scratched u once in a struggle cos both of us wanted to play different games..and LOADRUNNER! ahhh okok i shall stop here..im getting too sentimental oredy..haha

yayy yesterday was so nice! had class breakfast first then met up wif kwa, ouou, bin and xiaogui..then later yiyou n huiyan came along! soo glad everyone's still the same..watched geisha..very nice..i like easy to understand shows..haha..the little girl's soo pretty! and she really looks like a young version of zhang ziyi! n i finally know what a geisha is..haha..i always tot they were transvestites! haha! but i think the show's those kind got quality one..not like those chic flicks...

nway i felt so bad..cos actually all of us bought tickets from one row..supposedly some couples' row or sth..haha..then huiyan had to sit alone..so yiyou went to join her..then this man kana sit beside me..but i think he's a smoker! so i couldnt really stand the smell..occasionally when the whiffs of the smell came along i would just cover my nose..but i tried to make it not so obvious oredy..then i think the man realized leh! then he left halfway through the show! feel so bad...haiz..

waited damn long for the 171! was quite pissed at how long actually..at least 20 min lor..then when it finally came it was damn crowded..so xiaogui and i had to stand near the stairs there..then there was this couple behind me..and occasionally the guy leaned back..against me..and i felt v uncomfortable cos i couldnt really lean forward to move away cos i'd block the bus uncle's view of the side mirror..and he already scolded me a few times for blocking him..so everytime that guy leaned back i would kinda turn slightly to look at them..then i think the girlfriend was bitching bout me later! argh..i dunno la..i couldnt stand it oredy la..the whole journey was so unbearable..so i just go off at coro and waited for another bus even though i din have to change bus..haha..stupid bus journey spoiled my mood la..was actually quite happy after meeting kwa they all one lor..

sats today! wah its like 4 hrs can! was damn sian halfway oredy..but so happy its over!

so relaxed now..finally its the hols again! and i havent been living up to my new yr resolution of not procrastinating anymore..haiz..okok by the end of cny i would have cleared my file and finished any outstanding tutorials! i hope...

reunion dinner later! yay! i always like family gatherings...for my paternal side i think i just enjoy the lively company of my aunties and uncles..they're all v friendly ppl..for my maternal side i think its more of meeting up wif kimberly! :)) i wanna see spot! hehe..

after some time when the feelings of helplessness and the pain of loss fade away, you cant help but wonder how much of the memories will actually last after a few more years..i think i'd rather feel sad than let some memories fade to the back of my mind, when even photos cant really evoke emotions to relive those memories anymore..i dont wanna ever forget you..i miss you so much..

i feel im slowly losing myself
i don't know who i am anymore

i cant define what kind of person i am
have i changed?

haiss i cant stand irresponsible people
its not how big the mistake was; its the principles behind being able to admit it
i don't know
i just feel there's a limit to how far a prank goes and how far one's frivolous ways can go
i cant see why some people just dont know when to be serious and when not to be
life's not a game anyway

sorry im just quite pissed off today
by selfish and irresponsible people
who only think about themselves and having fun
who don't bother about bearing any consequences

i know its easier to just let it go
and make peace with myself and those people
but i just cant
not when they're being so adamant about it

i hope i can be free of all these negative emotions by tomorrow
i don't know why im so affected in the first place
if there're no consequences to our actions at all
i would really want to confront them
but its not worth it anyway
you just reinforced whatever negative opinion i had of you

argh ok stop it stop it stop bitching
sorry im just very disappointed and needed to vent my frustration