ahhh i cant wait to start working! i need to keep myself occupied if not im gonna die of boredom..everyone else is busy working i feel like this lazy good-for-nothing who has absolutely NOTHING to do! :(

i guess i have to learn to be more independent..i always thought it was a good trait to have but never really realised its importance up till now..

i think being helpless is the most helpless feeling and is perhaps on par with the feeling of regret..both horrible feelings to have! but the fact that you're helpless shows there's nothing you can do about something or feeling a certain way so i guess we just have to move on..

i knew exactly how i'd be feeling but there was nothing i could do to avoid feeling that way and i think its loserish and stupid and wimpy..why cant i just be a little more independent???

i hope i get used to it soon...

shall take my first step for the sake of my future (which everyone has started on so long ago) and write my CV!

faster come back!! :(

in reply to all the tags...

wenyan! sorry i haven gone to visit you yet! i went to orchard today to meet my friends but i din have time to go find u! are u still working there anyway?!?! bet lazy and unmotivated you quit oredy! haha! haven seen u since prom..how are you doing now? i feel so slack when "hardworking" people like you are working haha..

to vipul and mavis, dont mention! it was just my way of saying thanks for the wonderful friendship you have given me.. :)

to liow, enjoy the work which u hate now! muahaha! :p

anyway, america was not bad..i dunno whether i truly enjoyed myself..because i dunno how to define it either..as in i din feel especially happy or laughed a lot during the trip but i was aware constantly of how lucky and blessed i was to be able to go on such a holiday..i took lotsa lotsa pictures of the beautiful scenery, which was what i was looking forward to..just for keepsake and for me to try and relive those moments when i look back on the photographs next time..but perhaps i was indulged too much in snapping all these moments that i didnt exactly get the time to stay still and enjoy the moment, the scenery as it was..we kept moving on and on and i guess the adults werent that interested to sit by the beach and look out at the sea for hours...

we visited san francisco, monterey, oregon and portland..all relatively close to each other..and most of them had beautiful scenic spots that i wouldnt mind going back to admire again...but this holiday made me even more sure of not wanting to apply to an overseas university..i felt so cut off from the rest of the world..and you lose track of what's happening back at home..even if something happens you wont be able to be there in time as well..so, i shall just study in singapore!

christmas there was really nice..we spent two nights in my uncle's parents house..they're from oregon..and the christmas spirit there is so wonderful! they have so so much decorations all around the house, and on christmas eve one of their friends dressed up as santa claus and visited! and gave me a snowy white santa teddy too! i really enjoyed christmas there..something you'll always read about it books but never really get to experience back in singapore..

i also saw snow for the first time..the lack of sunlight did make the place feel a little gloomy, but the snowy-linen land had a kind of tranquility to it, those i can only admire in christmas cards..so as usual, i took lotsa photos of it haha..

thanks to all of you who remembered my birthday too! :)
it felt a little weird this year..i was confused when my birthday actually was, cos of the time difference..america's 16 hours behind singapore..so i din really feel it was my birthday at all..and i kinda forgot about it until i received smses..maybe i've aged to the stage where you feel ur birthday is not important anymore?? haha...

its the new year already..so fast right...i passed by nj on the bus just now..and i saw students in all their different sec school uniforms..i was filled with so much nostalgia and cliched as it sounds, memories of my life in jc just flooded my mind..i used to be one of them just 2 years ago..feeling lost, unaware and vulnerable in a new environment, yet at the same time excited and anticipating what's to come..i thought of orientation which i have bittersweet recollections of, all lessons we had together as a class, all the lame stuff we did during the lessons, especially bio..all the chapteh we played especially and odac..and so so so much more! it seemed like it was just yesterday i was a newbie in school and now, i'm already past A levels and feeling lost all over again over what to do with my life..i miss school...

i made my new year resolution like i always do at the beginning of each year, and like all previous years, i seek to be a better person..i guess as i grow older, i start to understand myself more, and i can point out more specific flaws of myself..so i shall work on getting rid of them as much as i can!

i hope it'll be a happy and memorable year for everyone, and im thankful for all that 2006 has given me.. :)

thank you all so much.....

haha i'll be going for my odac trip later tonite oredy! but i haven started packing yet! aiya but think there's nothing much to bring too right...hope it'll be fun! :)

anyway, i really wanna thank vipul and mavis for the celebration last night...i was really very touched...and glad to have such great friends like you two...it must have taken so much effort and trouble to organise everything and get the class together..i just feel that i dont deserve such trouble from you guys...thanks for the water bottle n shirt too...

i must say that was one of my best birthday celebrations ever..haha the first surprise celebration i ever had! even though my birthday is still like 14 days away!! hahaha...i cant express enough my gratitude and touchedness really...thanks again..to everyone who came too...clara, jorina, zit, michelle, mingwei, yihan, keyi, yuensau, david&amy....

and of course, my beloved tyz n steph too! hehe i really thought it was coincidental that u two went there too la! thanks for coming down all the way k....to ouou, ur present was really very sweet lor i like it a lot a lot a lot! i still dunno how u managed to rush it out in such a short time..and to liowliow! haha thanks for ur bag!! plus ur HALF-EATEN hello panda! i just finished it today! muahaha....

murderer was fun, but stressful! i was never chosen to be the murderer, thankfully..if not i'll just die of the stress...but i dunno i kept being accused of being the murderer! it was so tiring to keep having to defend my innocent self! haha poor zit kept being accused too...who ask u keep smiling to urself for NO REASON! haha!

i really love our class...im really gonna miss all of you....haiz.. :'(

hmmm a levels are finally over...but i dont feel as happy as i thought i would be...i noe this sounds damn mugger, but i kinda miss having to study...today i was putting away all my stacks of paper ALL AROUND my room (not packing) n i was kinda overwhelmed wif nostalgia and some kind of sadness..its as though everything i've been doing for two years have all come to naught..what determined the general direction of my life so far has somehow disappeared so suddenly..it'll be stupid to go practise any form of tys or wadeva but it really seems now as though that this IS my life..haha shit i sound damn bookwormish now la..

i couldnt bear to throw my rj stuff away so soon...so i started clearing the stack which had deprived me of my tabletop these two years..my ny notes and timetables and other stuff..i still kept half of that stack of course..but i tried my best to be heartless and just dump some of those notes and worksheets away..somehow looking through them reminded me of wad i used to do then..discussing those familiar questions wif friends, coming to school to copy..(mostly smarty kwa's one) hehe....

i cant decide if nostalgia is a nice or unpleasant feeling, really...

hmmm i dont even noe how im gonna spend my holidays...feel quite lost..dunno wad im gonna do in uni..or wad part time job im gonna do before that too...haiz...

nway, went to vivocity ytd wif kwa, bin and tyz! i dont think i'll ever want to go back there again! its damn crowded la! then the shops are mostly high-end ones..the only nice part is where u can go out and stand on this platform facing the sea and look at sentosa across the little sea...we went to shop for enghui's and liow's presents! i think all of us are lousy shoppers we walk a bit den we damn tired and thirsty oredy haha...we ended up going to ps after that cos vivo really too crowded..

poor enghui must be mugging hard at home now...jiayou ok dear! at 5 plus tmr u can see all of us oredy! and have a romantic night at my house!! :D i miss ya so much! haven seen u for a month oredy... :(

okie im looking forward to class chalet!! very near my house oso den my mummy asked me to go home and sleep haha...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WENYAN!!

to vipul, in reply to ur post....

haha i think u're very funny! u had the dream since primary 5?!?!?! crazy...im already 17 plus yet i have no idea at all wad i wanna do! hmmm anyway, i think there's not much point thinking about choosing whether to hold on to ur dreams and let go of your relationships because of it or vice versa...cos i believe in the end, u'll never be able to, like what you said, sacrifice your family and friends...i cant imagine you doing something like that anyway..ya i guess it all boils down to your beliefs, as to which is more important to you and what your ultimate goal in life is..as a normal person, i guess i'll definitely regret it if i compromise my relationships with my family and friends just to pursue my dreams..and under my standards, you're a normal person who cares a lot for your friendships and stuff too..but you seem to convince yourself that you're not like that and your ultimate aim in life is to be some renouned physicist capable of uncovering some ground-shaking theory..so i dunno oso la! but i do believe that you'll be able to strike a balance..why should you follow the norm of 'geniuses'?? i think if u really do nothing else except focus on ur research and wadsoever, u'll lead a very sad life actually..as in u'll be a very lonely person...then at the end of the day you'll look back on all your findings, be proud of them, yet ashamed of them at the same time because you forsook everything else in your life too...i feel that what determines how happy and satisfied we'll be on our deathbeds is how much we know we have given to those around us who matter to us and how much we matter to them as well..

aiya i have no conclusion here but of course im more inclined towards my own point of view...i think you'll naturally decide as you go along..no point making such a final and cutting decision right now anyway right??? :) and thanks for trying to understand too...

to enghui,
dont dwell too much on it oredy k? i totally understand how u feel now...but really, time will heal all wounds and wash away the pain...u noe i feel really happy when your mummy sounds so happy to hear my voice?!?! hehehe...u can tell my wife i'll go visit her soon!!! and u better hide BEAR in a safe place! muahaha...yup you'll always have us to protect u dear! :D

lastly,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WENYAN!! just wanna say that i think u're a very mature person..knowing when to give ur opinions and when not to...(haha ok except when u start complaining about so-and-so! :p) but nway, u've been a really nice friend to talk to all these while...hope u'll stay happy always! :)

its amazing how we can walk past so many hundreds of people and think of them just as strangers, people whose lives are of no importance to us at all..that there are so many thousands, millions of these insignificant beings around us all the time..but to each of these persons, everyone else around them, including me, is part of that insignificant world outside..people they'd hardly take a glance at and just walk off and move on with their own, important and self-centred lives..in which we view ourselves as the central figure, of course, and everything else that happens is judged merely on how its gonna affect our selfish lives ultimately...its complex how in a world where everyone seems so small, each and every one of these small beings has such a big big life they feel is much bigger than the much big big bigger world they live in..

hmmm ok maybe its not like that for everyone..i believe there are truly those beautiful, selfless souls out there..but i havent come across any in my life personally, yet...haha maybe when i meet such a person i'll be too overwhelmed by his or her goodness that i'll faint on the spot! haha ok i'm talking nonsense oredy..i dont really have a point to make but i was just thinking whether it is possible for someone to be truly selfless and always placing the needs and happiness of others before his or her own..if i were like that, i guess my whole mindset on life and all my actions would change drastically..cos i noe im still a selfish person after all...haiz...

but i think life will be much easier if we were all selfless people..(but then again much easier for US and OURSELVES again!)..cos if we didnt care so much about ourselves, our own needs and our own feelings all the time, we'd be much better able to let go of so many things..both losses and gains..nothing meant for selfish desires would mean so much to us anymore..and everything in our lives would revolve purely around love, compassion, kindness and sweetness! how nice that would be..... :)

i think i feel sad very easily...my mood gets affected very easily..though the sadness doesnt usually last for very long..but that means im selfish cos i care about my own feelings too much that's why i feel sad!

i'm always extremely heartened when i see people do good deeds out of their pure goodness..and obviously not seeking any recognition or form of thanks in return..people like bella! i dont think she reads my blog though...but nway, i think lala is such a person..she doesnt help by doing big big things which the whole world can see, but she helps in small ways which can often go unappreciated cos she's so cool (acting as usual stupid cucumber! :p) as always that she doesnt make it seem like she helped you..like when i told her i wanted to go over to her house to borrow her solubility equilibria notes to photocopy during march holidays, but didnt in the end, she passed a photocopied set of notes to me when school reopened! when she didnt have to! so kind of her right! and asking if i wanted the set of remedial questions for physics which she could take for me from ms wu and then responsibly passing them to me after that when she didnt have to as well..it seems such a small and easy thing to do, but when you think about it, not many will even have this kind intention in the first place..haha i hope her hair doesnt stand if she ever reads this...if not i'll have to dig a hole in the ground and bury myself there forever.. :p


it seems like so much has happened...im so scared that im a changed person..i may not seem so on the outside but i think i have changed inside..my thoughts, priorities..that i think im gonna be a one-dimensional person soon..always thinking the same, one-dimensional thoughts all the time..i feel im getting lazy to think nowadays...

haha this sounds like such a sad post again..
but im happy and thankful for what my life has brought to me.. :)

one year without you..

hmmm time really flies..
so many things can happen in a year
but still, even if it were possible for us to know what's gonna happen next i wouldnt want to know
i guess hope stems from uncertainty
and all of us feed on hope to survive

its been exactly one year now..
i still think of you and feel sad
but i'd rather feel sad than let the memories fade with time..
which i think they are already..
i think its true that sorrow makes us human
if the sadness comes from positive memories or thoughts, then being sad is not necessarily a bad thing..

but being sad over things that affect us negatively is just a waste of time
it consumes us and we gain nothing from it in the end
i've learnt that its easier to let go, be it big problems or petty grudges..

living up to my conscience is the most important thing for me..
cos i dont think i can face the rest of the world without first being able to face myself
i wish i was incapable of thinking negative thoughts
i hate times when i look down on my own character
i hate to think that people perceive me to be more simple than i am..
does it make me hypocritical?

aiya aiya then just take it to be their fault for not being able to see the more complex side of me la!
i still hope i'm relatively simple though
makes life easier for everyone..

haha i dunno what im writing also la
hope everyone stays happy and healthy! :)
haha sounds like some new year greeting
but i mean it! :D

ok bye..


you'll always stay in our hearts...

:)

went back to ny for the funfair today..
haha we went to the haunted house which wasnt scary at all!
den we just slacked in the 4/9 classroom while waiting for BIMBOS yuna, chua and ULTIMATE BIMBO chua hui boon!! to finish their $3 manicure which took like more than an hour??! i really miss having lessons wif all of u..the classroom looks a bit different now though..how can they use dark grey curtains???! all the computers are gone too..n they changed the comp on the teacher's table to some new black one haha..n of cos, the biggest change was that there were no more of those inspirational posters which mr chan bought to paste ALL OVER the classroom..haha

we met a few teachers..and strangely, it was the teachers whom we least expected to remember us who actually did..mdm yick, lee shanshan..quite sad mr chan and wu laoshi cant really remember us anymore..but its quite expected la given the sheer number of students they meet every year..haha BUT potato chan ONLY remembers his model student CHARlene kwa!!! haha! (char pronounced as in CHARlie :p)

ahh i feel so bad it was like yuna and weeleng who kinda sponsored us wif all the food and stuff!! cos they had coupons..nvm must treat u all back next time k! :D

den we went down to orchard..was supposed to watch movie but no good time slots so we ended up sitting down and talking instead..haha i learnt lotsa rj and hc gossip and i felt so ignorant! hahaha

warghh i really really miss nanyang sooooooooooo much..to an extent that it depresses me..i've never felt so comfortable wif a group of people, dare to say wadeva i feel like and being happy by just being in their company..its such a rare feeling for me now...

oooh and im so proud of yuna!! she actually appreciates my cute rainbow and sunshine lorr! haha she very cute la cos i sent 3 pics of them over to her phone and she kept changing her wallpaper between the pics..so fickled la!! but nwayyy here's a cute picture of rainbow for u!! hehe..dont have sunshine cos i haven used the digicam to take him yet..and i dunno how to upload pics from my phone..haha




thank you to all of you who really made my day today.. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACELYN!! :D

haha im still very fascinated by my POWER to upload pictures! so shall upload one picture wif every entry until i get sian of it..haha..nway the pic was taken on mount kinabalu! dunno by who though..i think its very nice!!

haha i think im a very boring person all the pictures in my phone are either of rainbow and sunshine, my cousins' dogs, flowers or nice scenery..hardly any people inside..apart from zilian ppl like tyz and zit who always use my phone to take pictures of themselves! haha!

and wildlook meeting today was damn unproductive! jeffrey and nasty introduced me to this hard gay guy..very disgusting! but quite funny haha..thankew nasty for the gummies! u really go buy lor so touched..buy something back for you next time!

and to ong sai bin, ong eng sin, tan yan zhen, kwa and liowliow...

I MISS YOU ALL..


and to gracelyn...
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!
love ya always...

muahaha im testing my newly-found skills of posting pictures so i just posted two nice pictures! the first one is from damn long ago when i let rainbow fly around in my toilet..and she ended up beside my rabbit figurines..and yk said she has fat legs in that picture! haha!

the next one is from the many many scenery pictures i downloaded..i have this hobby of looking at all the pictures of nice scenery and flowers and downloading them! i think photos have this special power of changing one's moods..and the atmosphere of that scene in the photo really comes out very effectively..if it doesnt take so long to upload photos i'll want to put my whole collection here! haha :p

ok i dunno how the pictures will turn out i shall publish the post and see!