i think i've mentioned this before, but i love how the sun brightens up the sky and how its rays have the ability to cast a magical yet soothing golden glow on places they reach, even from a million lightyears away..
i was studying at home the other morning (that's when the sun's rays stream into my house through the windows most intensely) and i was delighted to see various corners of my living room washed aglow! :)
so i decided to take a few photos to capture that glorious moment..hehe..i dunno why, but i feel very happy whenever i see things turn yellow under the sun..it gives me both a nostalgic and tranquil feeling..
looking out of my living room window..liked the way the sky was filled with little fluffs of clouds!
see, even the green looks yellowish! :)
view from my room window! i know it's not clear here, but again, i feel happy when the green grass has a yellowish glow..cos i feel these moments are very ephemeral and special! :)
sigh i can't find a way to shake off this sadness and how much i'm being affected by the things i keep learning about him, in a positive way of course..
i don't know what exactly i'm affected about too..i guess its just many different overwhelming emotions..firstly angry about the irresponsible media who reported just soo many untruths while failing to realise he was human and had feelings too..and then helpless that many people around me still have serious misconceptions about him and cannot really be bothered to seek truth to these misconceptions..and a tinge of yearning to have been able to meet this person in my life..and lastly, awe- more and more, i'm drawn to this man who just seems to be outstandingly above the average person, both in terms of talent and depth of character..how could someone be just. so. amazing??
now, whenever i see any performer, i immediately discount him/her cos i'll have a tendency to compare them to mj! and in my opinion, hardly anyone can surpass his talent and creativity! hehe
yesterdaly i (piratedly) downloaded his autobiography, titled 'moonwalk'..read the first 10 pages but had just enough discipline to stop and force myself to study for my 301 exam instead today..but once it ended, i immediately continued my read, eager to find out more about his thoughts and yet reluctant to finish reading the 86-page journal too soon..
and my, what depth there was in his thoughts..i won't gush about this character here that much since i already did so in a previous entry..he quite repeatedly wrote about how he felt much older than his age, given that he started working so hard at the age of 5..and what intrigues me is how he displayed so much wisdom beyond his years, probably a result of experiencing so much more than others his age, and wisdom in being able to see what's important in life- simply appreciating the simple things in life, loving others, and being innocent, unjudgmental and inquisitive like children..many people labelled him as the 'kid who never grew up', but who are we to deem that a misfit? living a life the way most others do does not necessarily mean we're living it the 'right' way..if we deem it as shedding our inner child..mj was always aware of the grown-up responsibilities he had to carry, be it in supporting his family or in giving his best in all his music (which he viewed as basic 'courtesy' to his audience), and yet he was mindfully seeking to retain that child-like innocence and willingness to explore in himself..how many of us can actually strike such a wholesome balance?
and i guess this is the reason why he managed to create out-of-this world music and performances that nobody could paralell..be it his singing style, novel dance steps (he pioneered the moonwalk and robot dance), and each element in his songs..he wrote in his autobiography about how he was a perfectionist, and he would keep on improving on the smallest elements in his songs until they produced the right feel for him..just reading about his efforts exposed me to the intensity to which he invested his soul and efforts into everything..and i could easily imagine how tiring this might have been..for us, a few projects in uni are enough to keep us whining and getting stressed over..but for him, he took it upon himself to continually innovate and try..he said 'creating' was one of the most important activities in his life..from that alone i can already infer what a determined and driven soul he had..another quality i can add to my previous list under 'role model qualities'! hehe
he was also constantly learning from others..by observing what they were doing and questioning the inspirations behind their work..he was always intrigued by the talents of others and was a very keen learner..something i feel not many people actually possess..cos it can be a tiring process...but it was simply an innate desire in him! the want to improve himself always..
hehe and i'm glad he has influenced my life in a good way..nowadays, when i think a certain way, i would question, what would michael jackson think or do? if i was about to complain about something, i would remember his forgiving nature and think twice about feeling upset..if i felt proud of something and wanted to tell someone, i would recall his humble nature..if i felt lazy to study or understand something i didn't, i would think of his lifelong passion for learning and perfecting himself and feel inspired! i really think he's a very good role model :)
and i shall end off with a quite a few quotes from his autobiography which i found particularly moving/inspiring/wise:
on life-
"I feel old for some reason. I really feel like an old soul, someone who's seen a lot and experienced a lot. Because of all the years I've clocked in, it's hard for me to accept that I am only twenty-nine. I've been in the business for twenty-four years. Sometimes I feel like I should be near the end of my life, turning eighty, with people patting me on the back. That's what comes from starting so young."
"The lessons she (his mother)taught us were invaluable. Kindness, love, and consideration for other people headed her list. Don't hurt people. Never beg. Never freeload. Those were sins at our house. She always wanted us to give, but she never wanted us to ask or beg. That's the way she is."
"I was so lonely that I used to walk through my neighbourhood hoping I'd run into somebody I could talk to and perhaps become friends with. I wanted to meet people who didn't know who I was. I wanted to run into somebody who would be my friend because they liked me and needed a friend too, not because I was who I am. I wanted to meet anybody in the neighbourhood - the neighbourhood kids, anybody."
"“Man in the Mirror” is a great message. I love that song. If John Lennon was alive, he could really relate to that song because it says that if you want to make the world a better place, you have to work on yourself and change first. It's the same thing Kennedy was talking about when he said, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Start with the man in the mirror. Start with yourself. Don't be looking at all the other things. Start with you."
"I think my image gets distorted in the public's mind. They don't get a clear or full picture of what I'm like, despite the press coverage I mentioned early. Mistruths are printed as fact, in some cases, and frequently only half of a story will be told. The part that doesn't get printed is often the part that would make the printed part less sensational by shedding light on the facts."
on his work attitude and setting goals-
"The problem with TV is that everything must be crammed into a little space of time. You don't have time to perfect anything. Schedules - tight schedules - rule your life. If you're not happy with something, you just forget it and move on to the next routine. I'm a perfectionist by nature. I like things to be the best they can be. I want people to hear or watch something I've done and feel that I've given it everything I've got. I feel I owe an audience that courtesy."
"An artist's imagination is his greatest tool. It can create a mood or feeling that people want to have, as well as transport you to a different place altogether."
"I believe in wishes and in a person's ability to make a wish come true. I really do. Whenever I saw a sunset, I would quietly make my secret wish right before the sun tucked under the western horizon and disappeared. It would seem as if the sun had taken my wish with it. I'd make it right before that last speck of light vanished. And a wish is more than a wish, it's a goal. It's something your conscious and subconscious can help make reality."
"You can't do your best when you're doubting yourself. If you don't believe in yourself, who will? Just doing as well as you did last time is not good enough. I think of it as the “Try to get what you can” mentality. It doesn't require you to stretch, to grow. I don't believe in that."
"To me true bravery is settling differences without a fight and having the wisdom to make that solution possible."
"In the end, the most important thing is to be true to yourself and those you love and work hard. I mean, work like there's no tomorrow. Train. Strive. I mean, really train and cultivate your talent to the highest degree. Be the best at what you do. Get to know more about your field than anybody alive. Use the tools of your trade, if it's books or a floor to dance on or a body of water to swim in. Whatever it is, it's yours."
"I can't answer whether or not I like being famous, but I do love achieving goals. I love not only reaching a mark I've set for myself but exceeding it. Doing more than I thought I could, that's a great feeling. There's nothing like it. I think it's so important to set goals for yourself. It gives you an idea of where you want to go and how you want to get there. If you don't aim for something, you'll never know whether you could have hit the mark."
on his love for children-
"I was truly inspired by the kids on that tour, kids of all ethnic groups and ages. It's been my dream since I was a child to somehow unite people of the world through love and music. I still get goose bumps when I hear the Beatles sing “All You Need Is Love.” I've always wished that song could be an anthem for the world."
"There are so many things all around us to be thankful for. Wasn't it Robert Frost who wrote about the world a person can see in a leaf? I think that's true. That's what I love about being with kids. They notice everything. They aren't jaded. They get excited by things we've forgotten to get excited about any more. They are so natural too, so unself-conscious. I love being around them. There always seems to be a bunch of kids over at the house and they're always welcome. They energise me - just being around them. They look at everything with such fresh eyes, such open minds. That's part of what makes kids so creative. They don't worry about the rules. The picture doesn't have to be in the centre of the piece of paper. The sky doesn't have to be blue. They are accepting people too. The only demand they make is to be treated fairly - and to be loved. I think that's what we all want."
"I spend a lot of free time - in California and when I'm travelling - visiting children's hospitals. It makes me so happy to be able to brighten those kids' day by just showing up and talking with them, listening to what they have to say and making them feel better. It's so sad for children to have to get sick. More than anyone else, kids don't deserve that. They often can't even understand what's wrong with them. It makes my heart twist. When I'm with them, I just want to hug them and make it all better for them."
haha i think my friends are gonna find be obsessed with mj..i admit i am a little now! by what a wonderful person he was..i admit i only truly started to find out more about his character after his death..earlier on i was only a fan of his talent, his songs..and was neutral to all those ridiculous newspaper reports about him being a paedophile and weirdo..but now, after realising what a beautiful heart he had, i feel so angered by them!! and i'm also a fan of his character and hope to emulate all the wonderful values he possessed consistently throughout his life..
i know most of my friends don't really think well of him..think he's weird, showy, arrogant..and i feel somewhat helpless by it..i really wished i had the ability to convince everyone he is NOT like that at all..but i don't think others would really like to hear much about him, so i decided to blog about it instead.
i know how easy it is to simply believe wad's written in the papers, about him being a paedophile, being gay, losing his sense of identity by becoming white (but he really does have a skin disorder), and to sum it all up, weird. i admit that in the past, while i believed the lawsuits were really a result of greedy ppl who wanted to take advantage of him, i never felt personally against it, because i didn't know the kind of person mj was..but after watching many many of his past interviews and how much he tried to help sick and poor children all over the world (haha i really waste a lot of time everyday watching his vids!), thinking he would ever harm anyone is just ridiculous! and this is based on my own rational judgment of a person's character. i wish i could convinvce everyone to just spend some time to watch his interviews to judge for yourselves what kind of person he was..
but anyway, i wanted to write about how he's become my role model in life..he simply possesses so many values which the world hardly knew about because of all the nonsense, negative press..and the following are some of his values and character traits i hope to emulate in my life too:
1. humility- no matter how much he achieved in life, he would always remind himself that he 'hadn't done it all'..that is why he said he would never place any trophies, awards, or gold records in his house..so that he'll always keep trying in life, instead of sitting back and busking in his own glory (which he easily could at a young age already)..and in every interview which questioned where he got his talent from, he would ALWAYS credit God, and that he's simply an instrument of nature through which God wanted to share his music with others..
2. kind & generous- the media chose not to publicize this just cos it's not sensational..mj is actually in the guiness world records for donating the most money to childrens' charities..and from the beginning, he was always consistent in his belief about how the world should be more like children, for their innocence and purity..he was also brought up to believe he should be like a child and he always quoted Jesus for asking us to be like children..and which other artiste would actually bother to write songs about the world as he did? 'heal the world', 'earth song' and 'we are the world' are such beautiful songs written by mj reminding us to love and care for one another..a message he has always advocated ever since he could think for himself..and when the tsunami struck in 2004, he banded his brothers and other artistes in singing a song 'what can we give' to raise funds for the victims..i just felt so awed by his genuine love and compassion to help others..that despite all the hardship the media gave him, he never lost this passion and desire to give what he could to those in need..
3. forgiving- he was always mild-tempered..i cannot actually imagine him raising that gentle voice of his at anyone! and how many people, not to say celebrities, can even maintain that respectful and humble demeanour? you would never witness him badmouthing another, and despite all the lies that were made against him, he always forgave..
4. innocent- his heart was so pure, he was so naive in wanting to help others, and i guess this is the cause of his downfall..he generously invited sick children to his neverland home to make them happy, and these people started turning against him by suing him for child molest..i can't imagine how hurtful it must have been for him, using his greatest love in life, children, against him..i think this world was not meant for someone as innocent and pure as him..and i guess i can't really be innocent like him too, even though it'd be nice if everyone was..
5. polite- despite his stature, he was never rude or disrespectful to anyone..always saying 'please', 'thank you' etc. and simply regarding others with respect..i guess this is also a result of his humble nature..
6. dedication- i think almost everyone knows how he's a perfectionist in his work..this sound engineer who worked with him on most of his albums said mj would always make sure he stayed up the night before to memorize all the lyrics of all his songs, whether it was written by him and others..he was really one to put in his all in all his work, even if it was very tiring!
7.talent!! hahaha this is something i'll never be able to emulate..and this is wad makes all his above qualities all the more outstanding..some people would be boasting about just the slightest achievement they had, and given his out-of-this-world talent in creating, singing and dancing, its just impossibly rare for anyone to be as humble, loving, polite, kind and sweet as he was! call me obsessed, but he really seems like an angel sent from God..even his voice is so beautiful!
he's also a very intelligent person..in the way he expresses his thoughts so eloquently, and how he always listens very well and answers interview questions to the point..
i decided to post some of his videos which i feel reflect his character here:
i'm glad that this reporter is a good, nice man..not like those heartless reporters who just write nonsense..i appreciate that he's positive about mj and gives him a chance to display his mature thoughts and beautiful heart :)
and this last one, i just found super cute! when diana ross 'caught' him not singing when they were recording 'we are the world'..i think he has such a beautiful and genuine smile :)
and i guess this sums up why he loves children so much; this is a quote by him in one of his interviews- "Love. Children are loving, they don't gossip, they don't complain, they're just open-hearted. They're ready for you. They don't judge. They don't see things by way of color. They're very child-like. Thats the problem with adults: they lose that child-like quality. And thats the level of inspiration that's so needed and is so important for creating and writing songs and for a sculptor, a poet or a novelist. It's that same kind of innocence, that same level of consciousness, that you create from. And kids have it. I feel it right away from animals and children and nature. Of course."
hehe i wonder how many ppl actually bothered to read thru this lengthy post! but i do hope that more people around the world will not only dispel all the extreme misconceptions they have about him, but also learn to possess all the wonderful traits he did..i really do believe he has one of the most beautiful hearts in the world..
and for those of who are are interested/willing to learn more about him, this is a very good website which showcases the genuine michael jackson in all aspects- from his interviews, music and very importantly, what those who have met him personally have to say about him..
hmm i dunno why but i still feel very sad over michael jackson's passing..i'm not sad about his leaving in itself, but by how we will never have the opportunity to let him know how admired he was..i went back to watching some of his videos on youtube, of his younger times..and he was sooo sooo adorable! the lively, bright-eyed little mj with that wide smile dancing along as he sang i'll be there, abc, rocking robbin'..and later in his teens when he was so humble, sensitive yet shy in front of the camera when he went on interviews..
what pained me was that he was so normal and even good-looking then..and most of all, possessed a talent few others had, and which he was not arrogant about..i would say he was really attractive and loveable then..and trying to strike a comparison with the eccentric, plastic surgery-intense mj he had morphed into was just too difficult to imagine..he was such a beautiful and super-talented boy; what made him so insecure about himself to want to put himself through all the surgery? and more importantly, if these drastic changes were taking place on the exterior, what was going on inside him? i can already imagine all the emotional struggles he had inside, that the media and cynical others were insensitive to and were quick to attack..
i wish there was someone there in his younger days to reassure him that he was perfect the way he was; and that millions of people loved him not only for his talent, but his beautiful and humble soul..
haha i don't know why i'm writing about him when i'm not one who'd usually write about celebrities, but i guess i really do admire him a lot and i feel rather affected by how he seem to have lost himself along the way..i find it such a great pity..it could be due to his father who took away his childhood and often told him he was ugly..or simply the fame and money that changed him..but one thing i'm glad for is the legacy of wonderful songs he left behind for people all around the world to be touched by and appreciate him for his talent and inner beauty..
much as i like many of his songs, i found this song particularly touching..he mentioned in an interview that this was the most honest song he penned, and its melody and words are really heartfelt..
Have you seen my Childhood? I'm searching for the world that I come from 'Cause I've been looking around In the lost and found of my heart... 'No one understands me They view it as such strange eccentricities... 'Cause I keep kidding around Like a child, but pardon me...
People say I'm not okay 'Cause I love such elementary things... It's been my fate to compensate, for the Childhood I've never known...
Have you seen my Childhood? I'm searching for that wonder in my youth Like pirates and adventurous dreams, Of conquest and kings on the throne...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me, Look within your heart then ask, Have you seen my Childhood? People say I'm strange that way 'Cause I love such elementary things, It's been my fate to compensate, For the Childhood I've never known...
Have you seen my Childhood? I'm searching for that wonder in my youth Like fantastical stories to share The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me. The painful youth I've had
Have you seen my Childhood...
you can also see in this next video what a humble, pure, innocent and beautiful soul he possessed..feeling that he hadn't "done it all" and always credits his talent to God, that he's simply a channel for God to spread music to the world..and it's so adorable how he keeps saying its a beautiful night! and that it's magic, and he starts flinging his hands around to express it! hehe
and in this video, he showcases to the world what a talented performer he is again, even though many years had passed since he first started out..i started thinking about how he channeled all his heart and energy into giving the best performances for his audience, but inside, he was probably a lonely man..he once admitted that he used to cry from loneliness in his younger days..i felt sad cos he gave his whole life to the world, but ended up keeping none for himself..he loved children since he was young, finding them a great source of inspiration, and i guess because they were pure and innocent, just like how he was..yet cynics or greedy people were quick to attack him for being a paedophile..how hurtful that must have been..it was so easy for everyone to label him a weirdo and all other insulting names, but few stopped to picture things from his point of view- how could one man, a human being with feelings and such pure ones at that, withstand all the abuses the outside world was hurling at him? i just wish there was true, healthy souls around him at that time to help him through everything..
but i'm glad he has so many million fans around the world, who respect and admire him like i do..and that he's in a better place now..rest in peace mj..
hmm today was emotionally and mentally rather exhausting for me..first preconditioning myself that things will be fine despite the ominous feeling i got, and then questioning myself, then assuring myself that eventually that path that i'll take will be the right one for me..then feeling really inferior that i didn't deserve to be there, to be assessed together with a group of intelligent and ambitious individuals who seem to be in a league way above me..then suddenly finding peace that this is not what i want. will continue to ponder about what i felt to understand myself better!
met the rspid ex-main comm ytd..after 311 meeting..for just a tiny tiny while! really touched by them..who insisted on finding me even though i wasn't really free to talk much to them initially..made me feel that school is not just about the dreadful projects that i'm going through now..(hmm i usually don't dread school nor find work dreadful cos i always feel this is why i'm going to school in the first place, to learn as i'm put through the rigour of the educational curriculum..but this time i guess i'm just really affected by my less-than-enthusiastic group mates)..we had EXOTIC ICE CREAM! at some shabu place...the half hour or so i spent with them was just sufficient to make my day and make me feel so warm on my solitary bus journey home! :)
hehe decided to quote a very well-written entry, in my opinion, by my beloved yk! :) some thoughts that i truly agree with but couldn't have expressed better in words-
"Somehow it feels like as we grow older, we get more and more afraid of living. I don't mean that in a morbid way, (in fact, being more afraid of living necessitates a fear of death because it's the fear of hastening the inevitable that hence makes us afraid to use up our 'living allowance') but rather we (or I, if it's just me) saddle ourselves with more and more fears. It's not a conscious and willing process, yet it's a process that ultimately only we ourselves can prevent and perhaps reverse.
Fear comes from experience, which explains the lack of it when we are young, for we do not know the sense of defeat that comes from failure, the disappointment that results from dashed hopes. And so as we we get older and experience more, while there are both happy and unhappy experiences, more often than not it is the unhappy experiences that imprint themselves in our minds and hearts as a warning, as an instinctive measure of self-protection to shield ourselves from the repeat of such unhappy experiences again.
And so we pile on many different fears that we collect through our years of living - fear of disappointment, of regret, of failure, of rejection, even a fear of pity. Contrary to how happy memories and experiences can float you through a particularly difficult time, your personal collection of fears then determines the depth of the impenetrable pool of water that lies before you when you decide whether or not it's safe to jump in.
It's all in the mind, they say - and yet the fact that all these fears are 'in the mind' makes them all the more harder to eradicate, for they are not something tangible that you can simply take off or remove.
Perhaps the first step to freeing ourselves from the insidious accumulation of these fears is to acknowledge the existence of them. Only when you know that something exists then can you take steps to get rid of it right? Right, so let's start. I admit that my biggest fears include a fear of regret and of disappointment. And these do influence a lot of my decisions and interactions with people. At first sight of impending disappointment (not just my own disappointment, this includes disappointing other people as well) or possible regret, my instinctive response has always been to FASTER SIAM. Not quite the best way of dealing with things I must say, but I guess at least I understand why I sometimes react the way I do.
Hmmm...what are some of your fears and do you know how they affect you in the way you make decisions in life?"
hehe though the 'FASTER SIAM' was totally anti-climax :p i do feel that sometimes my fear of regret does really spur me to do certain things, which sometimes may or may not be desirable ultimately..but i guess i'm still young and my decisions have not been too majorly great to cause any huge detrimental consequences yet anyway..hehe
Friday, 16 October 2009
wheee today marks the end of my 2nd killer week in this sem! though i know i did badly for all 3 quizzes i took..but haha, i somewhat am rather nonchalant already..no more energy and drive! haha..
was quite proud of myself cos i drove home from ntu in the peak hour traffic 2 days ago! hehe..first time i tried going on the expressway at that hour and i made it! still not very confident about changing lanes though...
and i realised why i like planet earth so much already...it's the same reason why i like admiring the sunset, the sky, and nature in general..it's cos it reminds me that there is this whole big big word out there..abundant in life, beauty and happenings that make my life seem so small..such that all my troubles seem insignificant and transient..
i wish i could just take a breakkkk...projects are never ending :(
looking back on how it was in years gone by, and the good times that we had, makes today seem rather sad so much has changed.
Friday, 9 October 2009
it's times like this, when even i doubt myself, that i feel so blessed for having the most supportive parents in the world..people who make me feel that i'll never be alone in anything, and there's nothing to be scared of! :( :)
it's been a long while since i last reached home so early..walking up the slope to my home under the midday sun made me feel like i was back in my nanyang days once again, going home almost immediately after school ended..taking the bus wif sinnie and the rest of the 4/9 girls who stayed along the stretch towards bukit panjang..somehow it made me feel that nothing much had changed since then after all..though at the back of my mind, i'm consciously aware of how much we have grown, the different journeys all of us have taken..and the new prospects of a working life soon to meet all of us! it was indeed a nostalgic moment..hehe
haha and i could only reach home so early because i bravely decided to pon my nus lesson! it was an impromptu decision, triggered by my desire to be able to go home early for once, and also cos of the never-ending projects that are sucking away all my social life :'( i shall make this a productive afternoon and not waste my rare ponning decision! hehe :p
didn't expect yr 3 to be so stressful..but i guess we'll all learn to cope..and it's getting through all these that makes us feel we accomplished so much more in uni, and that's wad gives us all the bittersweet memories to look back on next time :)
see, even the green looks yellowish! :)
view from my room window! i know it's not clear here, but again, i feel happy when the green grass has a yellowish glow..cos i feel these moments are very ephemeral and special! :)
