a true friend reaches for your hand but touches your heart :)

one of my best birthday presents ever,

from one of my bestest friends, jingxiu! :)

many many photos from everywhere and long ago!

hehe i decided to neutralise my recent wordy posts by uploading more photos! i shall be orderly and categorise them :p

ANIMALS

i'm not sure if you all can spot what i was trying to take, but there are at least 3 obvious parakeets in this photo! hehe spotted them while walking up the slope to my house..think these are the male ones..they're brighter and more colourful..the female ones are also green with red heads, but much duller and without the long, fanciful tails..i went to google it and confirmed that they're called 'long-tailed' parakeets! they can be found in malaysia too, so not sure if they're migratory birds..

on the same day i spotted the parakeets, i spotted this snake 5 min earlier! can u see its bright read head?

ginger and baby ginger- resident cats at hall 6..they're super cute! the turtle-shell one on the right is the baby i think..they're ALWAYS together, when cats are supposed to be solitary creatures..so sweet right..and u can spot the mummy cat's stripes on the baby!

another photo of ginger (name given by jingkai) and her kitten taking an afternoon nap!

FRIENDS

eating at uncle sammy's- which serves mainly claypot rice- at clementi after badminton! the student meal is really worth it! its $5.90 for 1 claypot rice, 1 drink (which includes drinks like orange juice, barley etc) and 1 dessert (like ice kachang or ice cream etc.)

cam-whoring on our way home after our run in ntu!

kokwei and chinboon looking at the moon! hehe

at the coffee shop at enghui's condo! hehe check out her 'act cute' expression! :p


prata at al-almeen (dunno how to spell!) after l4d..yangyang ordered SOOO much food we were all stuffed like turkeys trying to help to finish it!

my beloved peipei and her willy which i adoreeeeeee :D

3M class outing at this place called mykii (pronounced mee kai) at holland v..the ambience is really nice :) the food portions rather small though..wasn't full after the meal..

SCENERY

some random flowers outside vivo

wild flowers at hall 6

sunrise from my living room window

bougainvillae at ntu..my photo doesn't really do justice to what i saw..it was really pretty! pink flowers against the green trees against the blue skyy

another sunrise from my house..felt lucky that the birds flew into the picture!

wanted to capture the crescent moon..on the way to enghui's house!

one of the many flowers planted by zk's daddy

bare branches near my house

mimosa plant at the bus stop opposite my house


MISCELLANEOUS

the super pretty birthday card wei they all got for me from kino

haha i can't rotate this pic! but was trying to form a heart shape with the bracelet i got for kimmie's birthday

MY HANDICRAFTS!jingjing's birthday card!

edmund's birthday 'card'!

yk's 21st birthday present! which i gave super belatedly..i feel quite proud of it cos i hand-sewed it!
i koped the inner lining cloth from my mummy's sewing box hehe

my cute wifey

hehe i was talking to my wifey (enghui's mummy) on msn and this is an excerpt of our conversation:

Song says:
haha ok, tell u the boring one first
today when we were walking back, it was raining/snowing
but the feeling is like someone sprinkling coarse sugar on u from the sky
cos the snow is like sugar
u can hear the sound of it falling on u and rolling off your coat onto the ground

and later she told me that she had a fall recently (but not serious, don't worry!) and this was how she described it:


Song says:
haha i was like humpty dumpty

hehe my wifey is so cute!

i hope she takes care of herself in the U.S. :)

and now sinnie is sick! with fever, diarrhoea and nausea..i hope she gets well quicklyy!

hehe i should seriously be trying to catch up on my work now but i just wanted to get some thoughts off my head..hmm i know it's cny and everyone should be in a festive and happy mood so i'm sorry if this entry sounds much too solemn! i tend to blog about more sad stuff than happy haha..

hmm i was at my grandma's house today..the same place for the 3rd day in a row! hehe..and while the rest (like kimmie, zk and my aunts) were playing mj i decided to try to read some stuff in my pohpoh's bedroom..my auntie (my mummy's 2nd eldest sis..my pohpoh has 5 daughters..and only this aunt is not married and stays with my grandma) came into the room..and we ended up talking quite a bit..

we usually just chat about neutral, surface-level topics like what i do at school or her job scope or recent happenings about my grandma..but today, i was surprised she started telling me more 'philosophical' stuff of a deeper level, but which made me very sad too, even though i didn't show it..

hmm i think i blogged about this aunt before actually..i'll always view her as the long-suffering aunt who lives for the family instead of herself..each festive season, like christmas or chinese new year, many relatives would visit this house and my aunt would always be the one who spends the few days before making trips to the market and preparing almost all the food (which is a lot and very sumptuous and generous)..and while everyone attempts to dress up for the occasion, she's always in what we call 'home attire'..a plain t-shirt and bermudas..while everyone sits together at the table to eat, she'll always refuse to eat together with us and will eat later on with the maid behind at the kitchen, cos she'll always wanna make sure everyone is eating fine first..

to be honest, i hardly show my affection or gratitude towards all that she's been doing for the family (i just can't seem to take away my nonchalant facade in front of relatives) but i really wish i could hug her and tell her how much i appreciate her selflessness and how much i wish she would just live more for herself instead of others..

because she's not married, she dotes especially on my cousin and me..she does not earn a lot but she always makes it a point to shop for rather extravagant christmas presents for us..i wish she kept the money for herself instead..recently i started to show my 'affection' a little more and made her a christmas card last year..but i find it so insignificant to all the thoughts in my mind that i would like to let her know..

so anyway, back to our conversation today..she started talking about buying the toto this year..and i asked her, if you really struck it rich, what would you do with the money?

and she said,

"hmm if i get $5 million..no, actually i don't need so much la..$500,000 enough already..i'll give $50,000 to each of my sisters..your mummy $50,000, bigbok $50,000, marianne ahbok $50,000 and mai-ngoh $50,000..like that $200,000 gone already..then i'll take $200,000 and place it in fixed deposits..and the remaining $80,000 i'll use it to materialise my dream.."

so i asked her wad dream she had..and she started telling me about how she would own a serviced apartment in hainan island and then set up a travel agency to promote it to people in indonesia as well as muslims in singapore..she even went on to show me this file full of brochures and print outs of her research she did of the island..and said 'this is just my dream la..but i don't know if it can be materialised'..

and i felt such a strong urge inside to be able to finance such a plan of hers, whether or not i'm confident it will succeed..it's the first time i heard her have such a dream to indulge in, i really wish i could help her fulfil it..hmm i think when i start earning money, i will set aside a portion each month for my parents, my grandma, and this auntie..haha though i think this measly amount can hardly contribute to such a proper, commercial venture..

hmm her next thought affected me much more deeply..i asked her why she would want to put $200,000 into fixed deposits, instead of spending it to better her lifestyle (which is currently very simple and frugal)..she said, when she passes on, her will would specify for half the amount to go to me, and the other half to my cousin..

and she launched into a whole discussion about death..about her writing a list of things she would want us to do for her..that she would not want us to cry..her list of favourite songs for us to play..she even said she might burn them into a cd in case we cannot find those songs..that she would want her ashes to be scattered so that we will not remember her..and she said we have to make preparations like these, for one has to think about what others would do should you leave suddenly..and she revealed to me that she's visited numerous fortune tellers who told her she won't live past 65..and that she believed them..

i really felt like crying there and then..those thoughts were getting too morbid and depressing for me i just felt a heavy weight on me as i lay on the bed..but of course i wanted to maintain a less emotional facade..i just kept silent and started swinging the charm on my handphone..

i did not want to have to imagine if she wasn't around..and how i'll never have the chance to properly repay her for all that she's given to us..and how could she expect us not to remember her just by scattering her ashes?? how could we?

haiz sometimes i really wish she had gotten married, had her own children who she'll dote on unconditionally and who would be able to take care of her and shower her with all the concern that she deserves..so i asked her why she chose not to get married (something i was always curious about but didn't dare ask) and she said it's cos she had to take care of her younger sisters..

i really wish she lived more for her own happiness..it pains me that all her other sisters are married with their own children, while she just gives unconditionally to the family without really getting any true familial companionship in return..

i must get rid of this barrier and try to spend more time with her and give more to her..

***********************

the other saddening thought arose when we were in the car, on our way back home just now..there was this old lady in the neighbouring car, who caught our attention because she threw sth out of the window..and later we realised she's kinda senile cos she was making funny expressions like sticking out her tongue and all..and our first impressions were more inclined towards 'repulsiveness'?

what struck me was not the fear of becoming like this when i'm old one day, but the fact that she was sober, sane, aware in her younger days..and was probably in my position as a young teen who felt distant when seeing old people and their quirky ways..what would she have felt as a younger girl if she could foresee that she would lose her mental awareness one day?

***********************
okie on to more happy stuff, i wanted to say thank you to 3 people for giving me handmade stuff!

firstly, to chujie who decided to give me a cute little card, the kind with cute animals and a friendship quote which fits nicely into your wallet..because she read about rainbow..

and to xiuxia for so thoughtfully making v-day cards for EVERYONE! wahh i'll never have the patience to do for so many people lor..and for the sweet message inside :) hope you're not emo anymore!

and to enghui for the super pretty bookmarkkk! it's nice lor stop belittling your skills..i'm glad i could help you just that little bit..and it's partly cos i'm blessed with staying so near to you!

and also to edmund for the chinese new year card! hahaa it's the first time i've ever received a cny card from a friend, esp through post summore! hehe edmund so traditional and ah pek! :p

simple gifts like that really make me happy and thankful :)

**********************************
and to peipei, i hope you'll not be emo anymore :) and thanks for being genuinely concerned about me and trying to ka chiao me whenever u think i'm emo-ing! not talking doesn't mean i'm emo-ing okie..i just have a sulky face by nature hehe

oops this is such a lengthy post i'll post photos another time!

happy cny everyone :D

haha there are so many things i've been wanting to blog about but i'm so lazy to upload all the photos and post them here! plus i'm lagging behind SOOOOOO much for my school work i can't believe i ended up in this state..and ytd i had totally no discipline and went to play l4d with the rspid peeps till 12 plus in the morning! AHHHH anyway i wanted to write about this super kind-hearted old lady whom i met on friday..i was on the shutte bus to pioneer and it was pouring..when the bus stopped for us to alight, i looked out of the window while waiting for the other students to stream out and saw this super lovely old lady who stood by the door and held out her umbrella for EVERY SINGLE student!! such that they won't get the least bit wet when dashing into the shelter which is like just 1 metre away! and while holding her umbrella up, she had a perpetual smile on her face and her bags were getting drenched..when i alighted i said thank you and told her her stuff was getting wet, and she replied 'wo zhu zhe li er yi!', meaning i just live around the corner..my interaction with her lasted probably 5 seconds, but she left a lasting impression on me which really warmed my heart..how often is it that we meet such kind and selfless strangers? :)

kite flying ytd was enjoyable..sengkang is a really windy, serene and pretty place..and muilian was super cute..while flying her kite she was super excited and perpetually smiling and making enthusiastic sounds, even though her kite string was but 5 metres long! hehehe..we should have kite flying more often for our sessions cos our trainees seem to like it alot! i suggest west coast park next time! since most of our trainees and the westend trainees stay in the west..and there's a large field there too..and come 7pm, the sunset is REALLY pretty..and there's the sea too! :D

okie better do my work now! will upload the rest of my photos next time!

it's been exactly a week since you left,
and around the time we buried you..
and this first heavy downpour of rain since we left you there
seems to bear much meaning for me

initially i was really worried when it will start raining
because i hoped your feathers would be kept dry and pretty always
and you'll always look cute and serene..

but i've slowly come to terms with it.
and while it seems a melancholic morning,
with sunshine occasionally chirping away,
the rain seems to be cleansing the earth of its sorrows

and i feel comforted by friends who told me that you have gone to birdie heaven..
i still miss you so much bow..
sometimes at home i still forget that you're gone..
i walk to the kitchen excitedly,
only to reminded of your absence when i see that where your nestling box used to be is now a huge, huge empty space..

i play with sun sun more now..
i was always guilty of placing more attention on you,
because you were the only one who would come out of your box to play with me whenever i went to visit sunsun and you..

thank you for coming into our lives bowbow..
i really hope you had a wonderful 7 years being part of our family..
you always will be :)

to my dearest little rainbow...

in 2003 you flew into charl's house
i thought you were a baby parrot
and was delighted when mummy and daddy agreed to let me take you home
we brought you to the bird shop and were told you were a lovebird

i gave you your name rainbow
and after a year or so, we knew your gender
cos you started laying eggs!

you were always adorable, always
with that fluffy, chubby cheeks of yours
i always told you you looked like a cute little soft toy..

you were there all through the years..
through my secondary school years
jc years..
and you almost saw me through my entire uni life..

and then we bought sun to join you so that you wouldn't be alone
you two fought at times, which worried us..
but seeing both of you help preen each other's feathers,
seeing both of you locking beaks always brought a smile to our faces
i wonder how sunsun will be without you,
though she's really naughty at times..

you were such a joy to have around..
i was never really alone at home because of sunsun and you
ever-ready to peer out at me from your little hole
or open your box and stand at the edge for me to have a better view of you
and trying to get my attention by reaching high up to place your beak at the top of the cage whenever i play with sun..

your super adorable face will always stay in my heart..
you were mischievous at times..
trying to bite me after letting me stroke your beak..
but you were always cute and loveable...

it pains me that you're not there anymore
it's difficult to go back to a home without you,
always eager to play with me whenever i went behind to the kitchen..

it pains me that just a few days ago you were perfectly alright

it pains me that you seemed to leave in pain,
that you seemed to be injured
and yet i could do nothing to ease your pain

it pains me that i didn't spend more time with you the night before
because i thought you were sleepy and dozing off

it pains me that you're there alone, where we buried you in your little box from which you peered out from

it pains me that we cannot protect you from the elements of nature anymore
i feel scared when it rains..because you're alone..

i can't accept the fact that my little bow is not at her familiar corner anymore
the corner which seems like such a huge empty space now..

sometimes i seem to forget the fact that you're gone...
and when reality sinks it in between ephemeral moments of distraction,
it really hurts..and the tears just start flowing..

i wish it was all a dream
i wish the vet did not open so late
sorry bow, that we could not ease your pain and suffering..

i'm only glad that mummy and i were there for you in your last moments..
you were important to each and everyone of us in the family..
mummy took urgent leave so we could bring you to the vet..
daddy rushed home after getting to the office when i told him the news, when he's usually reluctant to take even a day's leave..
i'm glad you left with mummy and i stroking you, and knowing that we loved you..alot..

i always envisioned myself having a dog when i was older..
i always wanted one..
but i'm not so sure anymore..
it's really heartbreaking when they leave
the sadness is overwhelming..

bow, i don't know what to do to stop feeling sad..
i miss you so much..
i just wanted to let you know that you're the best bird in the world..
the most adorable, intelligent, loveable and loyal friend..
you were such a big part of our lives
you meant so much to mummy, daddy and me..
you'll always always stay in our hearts..
i hope you're in a better place now bow..

rest in peace, my little bowbow..
i love you

(hmm i wanna post photos of her..but i guess it's too heartbreaking to look through photos of her right now..i'll do it when i'm ready!)

on friendship

i dunno why but i've been thinking alottt this dec hols..probably its due to the whole new year and the customary reflections thing..

been thinking a great part about friendships and how i deal with mine..and even though i'm usually rather stubborn and strong-headed and prideful that i sometimes am reluctant to admit that my way of thinking or doing things is wrong, i think i learnt something very important this hols..

that to be a better friend, i need to start giving before anything else.

it seems as though when i'm meant to learn a lesson out of something, many people coincidentally play a part simultaneously in letting me see things more clearly..like friends who gave me presents for my birthday without expecting anything in return..

my previous way of thinking was- when i'm convinced that a friend has been a good friend to me, i would wanna be a better friend to that person than he/she is to me and i would feel happy making that friend happy. but i would hardly take the first step in being a good friend and i don't like that calculative side of me.

i talked to zk at length about this and he served to place a conclusion to new thoughts which were surfacing in my mind..just at a time when i was reflecting about how i should be less calculative in my end-of-year post. he taught me that even if it means disappointment in a less-than-reciprocative friend, he would always still give to his friendships anyway. it's always better to give than to place expectations on friendships..

i guess i'm someone who always expects alot out of my friendships, in terms of my need to feel that the other party treasures and enjoys the friendship that we share. the moment i feel the other party is not as interested in maintaining the friendship anymore, i start to feel disappointed and lose hope. haha i know it's a very childish way of thinking, and i hope i will take a more laidback stance as i grow older..and accept that we can lose friendships along the way, even very close ones..

i used to think as long as i tried hard enough to let a friend know i really cared about the friendship, she would definitely stay as a friend forever and things would never change. but now i realised circumstances holding a friendship together can be shaken by so many factors.

first, differing schedules in our lives, resulting in less opportunities to get in touch. it could also be that either party's priorities in life have changed. it could be that one's character has already changed. or it could be that one is disappointed in the other for some reason and is not willing to let that reason go.

i always believe in friends not bearing grudges. that is why if i do get upset with a friend, i will let that person know immediately and explain exactly why i'm upset. and even if i may come across as confrontational, it's only because i care about the friendship and hope to be honest about my feelings such that a similar matter doesn't occur again. and it's because this friendship matters to me that i am willing to subject myself to such emotional vulnerability such a 'confrontation' involves. at the end of the day, there should always be forgiveness and both friends understanding each other better, with no grudges borne at all.

many of my actions are based on my own projections of what future emotions i might feel if this or that happens. and when i go forth with a course of action which exposes me emotionally as opposed to one where i can remain nonchalant and thus emotionally-protected, i have already prepared myself for possible hurt and disappointment.

but every human has a threshold, and i too, wish to protect myself.

and i've learnt that such naive thinking, of being able to hold a friend back no matter how hard she struggles to break free, should be relinquished as i grow older and mature in my ways. i always thought when a friend is upset, she would be expecting me to apologize and resolve things cos after all, she is the one who is upset so naturally i would have to take the initiative.

but my naive mind never had the capacity to accomodate the thought that, perhaps, this friend really wants out. she has no hopes or expectations of me pacifying her, nor wanting to mend a broken friendship, but simply doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. i could never comprehend nor accept such a thought, because i would never want to lose a friend if i had a choice or the controlling power, but i cannot expect others to think the same way as me. especially a friend whose ways i can't seem to comprehend anymore.

i've tried my best and i'll leave you with the choice of what you wish to do. but i just wanna say that you'll always have a friend in me.. :)

reflections on 2009

since boring and no-life me is nua-ing at home on new year's eve unlike my more happening friends, it seems a good time to blog about the year which has just passed and of my 21st birthday..

i'll blog about the latter first..i made the decision not to celebrate my birthday, mainly out of laziness to plan and also the fear of feeling paiseh when i have troubled many people to gather cos of me..and worse still, them feeling bored if i'm a lousy host, which i know i am!

i was very touched, however, by some of my friends who decided to give me surprise celebrations anyway..i felt as if i mattered to them because they bothered to take the trouble to do something for me and try and make me feel special..

first it was kez, wei, prissy and van..it was just supposed to be a normal uni-girls dinner (very early on the 23rd)..they were so cute in trying to hide the surprise!! first kez was behaving all secretive on the phone with wei when we were in kino cos they were trying to get a bday card for me without me knowing, then prissy arrived with a cute litte breadtalk box..which later revealed a cute and petite santa kisses cake! and kez managed to fish out a havaianas box from her bag which she had been hiding all along! i was so amused..even though they had not enough time and were all writing my card IN FRONT of me, i was still very touched..by their intention to even celebrate it for me..thanks ken and adel for sharing in the present too! and they say there's part 2 of the present which they haven't gotten, but really, i don't need anything else..i'm thankful enough already :)

then it was rspid peeps..the always-so-sweet-and-thoughtful gang..i went for v camp from 27th to 29th..and on 28th night after project id sharing, they started to switch off the lights, when xx brought up the cake from downstairs..and everyone started singing..i felt super paiseh and always don't really know how to react in such situations..but i tried to act brave anyway! i didn't really dare look at the crowd in the eye, but i spotted diana's and peipei's wide grins and felt warm and fuzzy inside :) thanks yaoyao for getting the cake..

then later while we were cycling and it reached 12, those in my group started singing a bday song for me (again!)..i guess it would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience..to hear a birthday song while cycling! hehe..luckily it was in the dark so i could hide my paisehness..

then the smses started coming in..and jingjingpok was the cutest!! only when i reached home did i realise she was trying to find all means to wish me!! she was the first to call me at 12am sharp to wish me (and endanger my cycling :p), then she sent an sms..and when i reached home i saw that she had left an offline msg on msn and posted a msg on my wall on facebook! and when i laughed at her later she said she forgot the last channel- email!! so silly la she..but i'm really glad for a friend like her..one whom i know will put me before herself..i feel it's really rare to find friends like these..to be honest i can only think of one other friend who would do the same..

on the 29th itself, after a restful sleep when i reached home from the camp (thanks kokwei for the lift!) i went out of dinner with my parents and zk..at the soup restaurant at vivocity..when i reached home my mummy was at home..there was a birthday card on the table for me..mummy wrote a touching message inside for me-

"To our dearest Darling Deborah,

You're the best gift we've ever got and you've made us very happy and proud as your parents. Congratulations on reaching adulthood but you'll always be our precious little girl!

Lots of love,

Mummy & Daddy"

i went to hug my mummy and told her i loved her, to which she replied the same..it's sad how as i grow older, it seems not-awkward to hug my mummy and tell her i love her only on special occasions like these..to think i used to do that to my parents that every single day back in primary school i didn't know if i'd ever stop doing that..

then it was time to watch avatar with zk! we had free gold class tix which we used for a good movie of the same standard..the seats were super comfy..we could raise the leg raise and recline the back such that we could actually lie 180 degrees..but i wouldn't think $28 per ticket otherwise is worth the experience..

anyway, the very thoughtful but cannot-keep-secrets-for-nuts diana revealed to me that she got vouchers on behalf of the comm and that i'll have to go shopping with peipei and her to get a bag! hehe so nonsense lor she i just had to probe a bit over the phone and she told me everything! :p

i also wanna thank edmund for getting me this very unique handicraft kit, so suitable for someone like me who enjoys making handmade stuff!! and kokwei for getting me a biography on michael jackson..its partly about how those ruthless people subjected him to extortion..and hmm even though i already noe the gist, it's a little painful to read the details..i don't really like to know about how ppl mistreated him! and xiuxia for thinking of getting flowers for muilian to pass to me at the end of our christmas celebration session..really sweet and thoughtful of ya girl..bingyao was in-charge of getting the flowers and he told me about the story about how he anyhow chose the flowers cos he didn't know wad i like! hehe

but my birthday also made me sad about something else..won't say what it is here, but i hope it's just me thinking too much..but growing older has also made me feel being hopeful and also having that childlike wilfulness will never retain a friendship if the other party allows it to slip away..so i won't force things anymore..for an emotional person like me, nonchalance, i guess, is the best form of self-protection, from potential hurt and disappointment..

***

so much about my 21st..i'm so old now!

of 2009..now that i've gotten through it, looking back always make things seem smooth-sailing, no matter all the emotional turbulences i've felt along the way..

i've moved on from being a second-year student to a third-year student..it's so cliche to say this, but i really hate how time flies..i don't wanna graduate! made some truly wonderful friends, however little they may be..who made uni so much more missable in the future..

since it seems almost customary to make resolutions for the new year..i shall make them! i don't have specific tasks to complete, but my main resolution is to be a better person..honestly in the past, like back in secondary school, when i was asked to think of personal flaws, it was really difficult to think of a substantial one, other than not being appreciative enough of my parents..but now, i'm so ashamed that so many flaws simply developed along the way..i don't know if it's due to my growing older and being cynical..but if michael jackson could retain his beautiful heart and values all his life, then why can't i?

to me my greatest flaw now is my being calculative..i really never used to be like that! i'm starting to hate this person i'm becoming..calculative in terms of expecting things of my friends, of zk..and getting upset when they can't meet those standards..which lowers my willingness of how much to give to these relationships in future..it seems as though i need to be convinced now of how much the other party is willing to put into the relationship before i decide how much to give? it's a selfish way of thinking, a means to protect my calculative self..in the past i would just give wholeheartedly to my friendships..be it making handmade stuff for my friends or asking to meet up etc..now i'll only be inclined to make things for ppl whom i know will appreciate it or have proven to me that they care very much about their friendship with me..i just can't seem to accept one-sided giving anymore?

i don't wanna be so selfish..i want to be more gracious, less calculative, more forgiving..i want to be a better daughter..i want to stop getting annoyed when my daddy asks too many questions about the trivial things in my life..i am consciously aware that he is asking about my life because he truly loves me and cares about me..but sometimes i really don't like it when he asks how my friends in uni are doing and stuff cos i don't like him to compare me with others..but i always feel very guilty after i am rude because he doesn't deserve my rudeness at all..more and more i can feel how much my parents love me..their lives seem to revolve around me..sometimes i wish they didn't do so much for me, cos it's so much more difficult to repay them in future..and yes, this is another flaw of mine..i keep assuring myself that i can always 'make amends' for my lack of display of appreciation for my parents by earning money to give them a good life in future..but why must it only be in the future? why can't it start now? why can't i make them feel loved right now?

i think i've mentioned this before, but i always feel the need to put up a strong and brave front in front of my parents..if i cry cos of anything, i will never let them see it..even if i'm affected by a friendship problem..i won't let them know i'm affected..i may tell them about that friend, but i'll never show i'm sad or disappointed..and maybe cos of this i find it difficult to simply go up to them and hug them and tell them i love you, or show my appreciation so openly because i must act strong? i know it doesn't seem rational here haha..

in short, i want to be a better daughter, friend and girlfriend..i want those who matter to me to feel happier because i am in their lives..i don't want to end the year regretting the person that i was or not liking who i am..i think the most important thing is to be able to face up to yourself..if i were a separate person, will i be someone i would like as a friend?

happy 2010, everyone! :)

forgiveness

"forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past" -Anne Lamott

i dunno why, but this quote really struck me and resonated in me..i rarely chance upon quotes which allow me to understand myself better but this one really did..think it must have been fate that i saw it!

i was in this bookstore (think it's called page one or sth) in vivo and started flipping those self-help books..and this book was about being happy..and in this section about forgiveness the author quoted this quote above! and immediately it got to me..because i've always tried to tell myself to forgive, to make it less tiring for myself cos staying angry is tiring and to make it less agonizing for the other party..but somehow i don't practise what i preach to myself!

most of my arguments with zk revolve around this..sometimes i get upset when he's too busy to find me..and i'm upset by thinking of the wonderful moments i would have experienced should we have spent that time otherwise together, in other words, 'a better past'..

and so this quote really expressed my behavior and emotions succintly in a few words! and by understanding my motivations for or barriers to forgiveness better, i guess it is easier to forgive when you understand the root cause of your being upset better..

and since christmas is about love, while michael jackson was the greatest embodiment of forgiveness, my new year resolution will be to be more forgiving and less calculative! :)

and i changed mj's music away..i think it's still quite painful for me to hear him singing..and i still hope more of my friends will bother to find out more about him and understand why i'm so obsessed over him! haha..

this new song is an instrumental version of 'we all fall in love sometimes' by kevin kern..sounds melancholic i know..but i like these kinda songs! hehe