complicating simplicities

2 papers down! was really sleepy before both papers...think i didn't sleep enough last night! usually i won't be sleepy before an exam but dunno why this time i just felt very dazed!

attempted to drink coffee before the other paper..i hardly ever drink it and so i just wanted to give it a shot, to hopefully jerk me awake before my 2nd paper..but after drinking it, i felt just as sleepy and my stomach even felt a bit queasy!! my conclusion is that coffee has no powers over me at all!

hmm feel quite slack now..was looking forward to this moment yesterday when i was super stressed trying to mug for my 2 papers today..and now that i'm in this moment, it IS a relaxing feeling, but i'm feeling restless! i'm feeling really sleepy! but somehow when i lie on the bed i just can't get to sleeeppp..is this what imsomnia feels like??

at zk's hall now with totally nothing to do! sleepy but can't sleep..i feel LOST! haha

i foresee this is gonna be a damn random post cos i have nothing else to do!

went down to play with the cats just now..feel quite blessed to be able to play with them..it's like having many pets without having to really take care of them (clean up their poo, bathe them, feed them etc.)..it's really being able to have your cake and eat it! haha my feeling of being blessed was further reinforced when i watched on channel newsasia the other day that 'cat cafes' are sprouting up all over japan as this business concept is increasing in popularity..basically people visit these cafes to play with the many cats there and often make return visits to monitor the growth of their target cats! they can help to feed the cats and all too..and i was thinking while these people pay to interact with cats, i can do so for free! haha 30% of the attraction of zk's hall to me really lies in the excitement i get whenever i think that i can play with the cats there!

while waiting for the exam scripts to be collected today, i looked round the nanyang audi and started analysing the architecture. i realised constructors, architects and electricians are really geniuses. i can NEVER come close to producing even a door, and that is why i am so awed by how every nook, cranny & crevice has been created. Even the ceiling seems humongous! how did they even manage to shape such a huge slab of cement and get it up there in the first place?? there were also rows and rows of lights..how did they install these? how did the electrician plan where the wires would go and then really placed them there so strategically?

sometimes i really think humans are another breed of animals on our own. i've blogged about this before, how it's amazing we're so much more evolved that we created this whole world of our own. erecting skyscrapers, inventing wireless communication, to writing journals..i think it's safe to say humans have a much more complex way of communication than other animals??

at other times, though, i'm always overcome by the realisation that we are, simply, animals too. as alive as them, and as transient on this earth as them. i dunno why, but booboo's incident made me view life much more simply. that the greatest blessing in our lives is really just being alive. having life in itself is the best thing we were endowed with.

and in those passing moments when i'm struck by this conclusion, many things i see around me get devaluated instantly. the internet, printed notes, reading notes resulting from centuries of knowledge processing and transferring by other people, suddenly seem worthless. why do humans complicate our lives by creating an entity called 'knowledge'? why does it seem so important for us to discover the science behind this world, the planets around us, how other animals reproduce,and then try so hard to document these findings..when other animals can get on fine with their lives just by blending into the natural outdoors, the world as it was when it was formed?

why do humans get bored when we have 'nothing' to do and hence invent a world full of hobbies and entertainment? how different life would be if we were just like another animals, enjoying kinship, while also having to worry about catching the next prey or being the next one..

sometimes looking at how much this world has developed, with new inventions introduced continually, makes me feel that humans are not exactly part of this natural environment. instead of being subject to nature, we seek to control it, and in the process destroy it. we remove acres of forests to make way for buildings, supposedly more habitable than the natural outdoors? in this respect we can never really be like other animals. why do we need our own exclusive buildings and cement structures we call houses?

hmm though by darwin's theory of natural evolution, i guess the fittest characteristics tend to be sustained. so perhaps having such structures allowed us to survive for so many centuries..maybe they provide the hygiene and shelter for us to live and reproduce safely in.

but still, i do think it's unnatural. i'm not advocating going back to our stone age days where men went hunting and women went gathering. this leads me to another explanation for why humans changed the surface of this planet the way we did- for security. we are still hunters, but no longer prey to others, by way of how we create this formal boundaries around our territory, building houses to keep out potential predators. i think it's the most unnatural phenomenon that we end up being right at the top of this food web.

yea i guess that is the mostly likely conclusion i can think of for now. like i said, this IS a very random entry! very unorganized cos i'm still sleepy! but these thoughts have been hovering in my head for quite a while now.

off to ginger and kari i go! :)

and so i attended the very last lesson of my uni education, and as kokwei put it (to deliberately make me feel emo), the very last lesson of my formal education since i was in primary school.

does make me feel slightly liberated, but mainly apprehensive, sentimental and nostalgic. i won't deny i'm afraid of the future. i'm not as sociable and open to change and challenge as i'd like myself to be.

took my very first photo with an ntu tutor, and ironically, not one from nbs. my very last lesson was my spanish lesson! a more light-hearted end to a heavier reality perhaps :) at first i was begging kokwei to take a photo with the teacher and me, and then we overheard two girls behind us wanting to take too! and wadever paisehness i had totally disappeared, and before i knew it, it became a CLASS photo. wow, i've never taken a class photo in a classroom setting since jc! they were all so cute afterwards, discussing how i should add each of them on fb or sth so that i could share the photo (which was taken on my camera) with them!

my AA304 group! tze yuen (diana you can finally see what he looks like!), kezia & joseph :) i like this photo cos i tried to tip-toe to look taller while kez was so indignant about it and kept trying to push me back down so she won't appear so short!!

had dinner at can A after spanish, and kokwei, chinboon & yaoyao were being all silly! trying to say emo things and sing emo songs on separation and goodbyes to make me emo about my 'last lesson day'! cb as usual suggested taking a photo with a 'scenic' backdrop!

yaoyao being SILLY in my test shots!
hehe our proper grp photo- me and the 3 chivalrous knights! haha! *pukes* anyway didn't realise there's so much noise in the pic though! looked alright on my camera screen!

but i felt really thankful that they were so sweet to walk me to zk's hall :)

of course i have lotsa thoughts about the imminent end of uni life, but that's for another time. i guess the submission of my last exam script would hold much more meaning, and it would then be true liberation, or helplessness, whichever way i choose to look at it.

jiayou everyone for the upcoming exams! :) cherish being able to study while we can!

my indulgences

simply could not stay focused on studying today, and ended up spending great portions of my time taking photos of the flowers at zk's house!

it was a little tiring though, as i tried so hard to capture the morning glories from numerous angles, and they were actually hanging from quite a height! i had to keep my arms raised perpetually, waiting for the right moment to press the shutter as the flower kept swaying in the wind! plus it was raining lightly..had to constantly wipe my lens too!

i used to only like taking photos of flowers when they were in the sun..cos i like the yellowish glow of the sun's rays..but i realised the colours of flowers are best captured on a cloudy day actually, when the exposure is lower..and taking photos after a rainfall is quite a magical moment too! as you can see from the above photos how water droplets help adorn the flowers and leaves :)

morning glories are actually really pretty flowers..and their buds are unique too, like spiral cones..

i hope zk's daddy plants more pretty flowers! hehe

okok i really need to get back to studying now :x

a magical night :)

visited universal studios yesterday with 3 of my bestest friends, jingjing, diana & kezia! what made me really happy was that these 3 ppl were from almost separate social circles in my life, yet they all gamely got together to make the night so enjoyable..i know i might never feel soo brave to go out with 3 other people, out of whom i'm only close to 1, but each of them was precisely in that situation last night! i feel soo proud and glad to have such people as my friends :)

a pity almost all the rides were not open..i think i might consider paying the full amount next time and go take all the rides! at least must go once in this life!

the ambience was perfect though..all the attention paid to props, lighting, music..made everything seem so magical! was really glad that the 3 of them weren't annoyed with me for making them pose for photos all the time! hehe

and i'm really sorry to my other closer girl friends whom i couldn't ask along! i really could not get more tix :(

i saw booboo's parents this morning again..
i look out for them all the time whenever i walk downstairs..
felt glad to see them as always..
hmm but their nest seems to have disappeared..
i hope all their chicks are alright..

i realised when i take the time to look up into the trees,
i can actually see so so many different types of birds..
i have also spotted 3 yellow-vented bulbuls within 1 week...
i don't know their names, but they come in all sizes and colours..
made me think about how each one of them grew up from being just a little chick,
unable to fend for itself, but slowly learning how to fly..
made me wonder how booboo would have grown up to be..
i'm sure she would be as pretty and elegant as her mummy..

i saw booboo's parents the other morning, and somehow i feel a little more at peace..
i guess i feel that they are the only few who can understand my sadness and share the loss...

i have a secret wish to step home one day and find that mummy and daddy have tried to surprise me by getting a baby lovebird haha..

or actually any pet that i can dote on for that matter..seeing people walk their dogs, playing with the cats at hall 6, watching videos of people interacting with their lovebirds, just fuels my desire even more to have an animal i can shower my love on! i can't include sunshine in this category, cos while i do love her and make attempts everyday to play with her and talk to her, she only sees me as a threat and tries to bite me all the time!! i want a pet which will be receptive towards my affection, like the most adorable laddie boy..

i know i'll probably be devastated if my pet passes on, but i'm willing to make this emotional investment.

i want another pet!

on monday while walking to the bus stop in the morning to go to school,

i saw one of the most glorious sights ever

i cannot describe how i'm awed by the beauty of nature all the time

i don't think my photo really does justice to what i saw

i realised i'm really very weak emotionally

i'm even afraid of my own emotions..
i'm afraid to look at the photos and videos i took of booboo
i'm afraid of walking home alone because i'm afraid of feeling sad when i walk past the grass patch where booboo was sitting so innocently on..
i'm afraid of being alone now too..
i think i think too much
i'm afraid of my own thoughts!!
i know once i start thinking i will go on thinking for a long, long time

i think of booboo each time i hear a bird call,
each time i walk past any grass patch

i will never view mynahs the same way anymore
but then again, who am i to judge?
i'm not vegetarian myself

hais, i really miss booboo... :(
i hope to upload her adorable photos and videos eventually, once i can overcome this sinking feeling each time i think of her

today i witnessed one of the most painful sights ever, i don't know how it'll take for me to get over this heartache.

haiz i feel terrible, i wish i could have protected booboo.

i wish this was all a dream.

i always thought..

i was the only child by a conscious choice of my parents.

i never really liked the connotations of being one- people tend to associate an only child with traits such as 'being spoilt, pampered, more blessed than others'. these may be true to a certain extent, also for some and not for others.

my parents may spoil and even pamper me, almost never refusing to give me whatever i want. but i don't think i am spoilt, because it is also such unconditional love from them that i will never want to take advantage of. perhaps it is also cos they love me so much that i feel my life is blessed enough, and there is really nothing much (materially) that i should lust for.

i don't ever ask my parents for pocket money. but they are always keen to offer, sometimes even insisting i accept it. but all the more this makes me feel the need to be thrifty, not to splurge on unnecessary items, including better food (unless it's a friends' gathering which i then attribute the spending not to the food but the purchase of quality time with them).

i feel blessed, not because i am an only child, but because i have such wonderful parents who not only love me so much, but also taught me the importance of being humble and sensitive to the situation of others. when i was younger, each time we passed by a doggie figurine piggy bank outside ntuc which collected donations for the spca, or a student selling flags, mummy would always pass me some coins to slot into these containers. at that time, i merely sought fun in hearing the coins go in, somewhat like what you feel when you deposit letters or return a library book. but as i am older now, i can see how much i'm influenced by the actions and values of my parents.

they instilled in me the importance of sharing one's 'wealths' with others, be it in terms of emotional well-being (in providing emotional support for others), physical well-being (like how mummy would wanna feed the birds or feel sympathetic towards a hungry, meowing cat), money (not that we're rich, but at least able to donate to less fortunate people; i always believe that unless you're the one poorest person in this world, anyone has the financial ability to donate, no matter how small the amount), technical understanding (like helping a friend in his or her work if i understand the topic better) and so on...

i remember each time i said something insensitive when i was young, my parents would tell me 'girl, you don't talk like that. it's not nice'. they did not scold me at all, but i would always feel sooo guilty and ashamed after that that i could actually say something so insensitive. lessons like that, i remember for life.

hehe okie, i know i still shoot my mouth off sometimes, but it's usually in jest..so if any of you ever felt 'put down' by me, just know that i don't mean it. cos i never believe in any human being more superior than another, unless you really earn my respect with commendable moral values, like michael jackson has. i truly feel he's one of the best (in all aspects) human beings who ever set foot on this earth :)

so i've always wondered what it would feel like to have a sibling. i guess i could never really comprehend. yes, i grew up with kimmie since i was a baby, and we spent almost every day together all the way till sec 2 when i shifted house and we were in different schools. we squabbled and fought like i guess how other siblings would, we bathed together, did everything together, but i guess it's not the same. because we still do have different parents.

i would never understand what is is like to share parents with someone else. i do wish to have siblings though.

i always thought it was a waste that my parents chose to have only one child. i thought they made that decision so as to better nurture this one child, and also perhaps they were more tight financially when i was younger.

but over the cny i realised it is fate that our family structure turned out this way. mummy and i were talking about giving ang baos, and how it is always 'expensive', when a relative or family friend has sooo many kids while she only has one, in the ang bao trade.

and i commented, "see la, who ask you have 1 child only!"

and mummy replied 'sheng bu chu', meaning cannot give birth to more..

i repeated, "sheng bu chu?"

and she said, "ya lor your daddy drink so much (beer) how to have more?"

and she elaborated that they actually waited 4 years for me to arrive, and that i was already a miracle for them...i didn't know!! they got married when mummy was 27, and i was only born when she reached 31...and i asked, "you all tried immediately meh??"

and mummy said, "kind of lor".

it was a huge revelation for me. i never really dared approach this topic directly as, from experience, they always skirted around the topic and never really gave me a proper reply. it was always something like 'you so naughty, have one already cannot manage, how to have more than one?' i knew it couldn't really be that way, but i always kind of accepted that reason.

but anway, this realization kind of put my heart at ease. at least i don't have that 'wasted' feeling anymore, as it would be if it had been a conscious choice on the part of mummy and daddy.

as the only child, i know i have more responsibilities towards my parents. and i will make sure i'm the best daughter to them and will give them the best lives (especially after i start working), just like how they've given the same to me. :)