"the last thing you know about yourself is your effect"

this particular line from William Boyd's Brazaville Beach resonated especially strongly in my mind when i read the book. i occasionally have fleeting, abstract thoughts of how i would perceive myself if i were someone else.

would i seem overly-polite, interested, or eager to please? would i think i was reliable, intelligent, but humble at the same time? would my high-pitched voice be annoying or sweet? when my friends hang out with me, do they feel at ease, or a constant need to maintain a more-than-enthusiastic conversation?

it's easy for us to form a perception of others- 'oh he's so full of himself', 'she has such a beautiful heart!', 'he seems so passive about anything' etc. but are those people aware of the vibes they are giving people? have they consciously acted upon a desire to portray to others an image they have (or hope to) have of themselves inside?

i guess more often than not, our intended portrayal of ourselves will not be identical to our perceived image by others. firstly, it is not easy at all to consistently adhere to our values/principles/resolutions in everything we do. secondly, how we think we are behaving may not actually manifest itself in its entirety in our actions. thirdly, and most impactfully, how we regard our actions may simply not be received by external parties in the same manner.

that is why i think the above quote summarizes this rather abstract thought succinctly.

if i thought my life at work was too mundane, i got the drama/twist i wanted (well, not really so) yesterday. if i thought i had portrayed a professional image so far, it probably went down the drain yesterday.

i actually cried in front of my manager.

thinking back now, it seems stupid, immature, emotional of me to have been shaken so easily. there are probably a lot of things i need to learn- how to achieve emotional detachment when it comes to work for one, and how to be resilient in the face of non-well-meaning colleagues who seek to put you down.

it all happened at our weekly team meeting. in essence, i raised a suggestion that the rest were actually in favour of prior to the meeting, but got rejected by my manager for a reason i still cannot comprehend till now. i doubt the rest really do, but no one said anything, probably out of fear for appearing to be dissidents. but i persisted in my argument, not because i wanted to get my way, but because i was not convinced of my manager's explanation for rejection. each time i said i didn't understand, he would repeat his argument in the exact same way, and obviously, it wouldn't make a difference to my understanding! but of course, the boss always wins, and i gave up after a while reluctantly.

the outcome of the meeting was one i dreaded: me being stuck in our shift system with a colleague (let's call him Big Head) who is derogatory with his words, who cherry-picks his tasks (e.g. avoiding the more tedious ones), and who loves to curry favour his bosses. worst of all, this system would prevent me from ever being able to have lunch with the 2 colleagues whom i'm closest to, kerene and phebe (introduced them here before). silly as it sounds, it's having lunch with them and other people i like which makes me look forward to going to work. of course, i didn't voice these concerns as it would seem too...bitchy and needy?

what became the last straw was, after we all dispersed from the meeting room and headed back to our desks, Big Head came over to me and said, "deborah, you keep forgetting he's your boss".

i replied, "but what's wrong with raising alternative suggestions and viewpoints?"

he smirked, "but you raised it multiple times".

really, what was his intention of saying that to me? i felt i was righteous in fighting for the good of everyone, but he made me feel as though i was disrespectful to my boss. not sure if it really does make him feel better, but he has the habit of saying mean things to put others down, and talking in a loud and condescending tone. the most disgusting thing was, he was the one who pioneered that suggestion i raised, just that i was the one who brought it up during the meeting. and once the boss says no, he pretends to go along with the boss. i was so frustrated by everyone's inaction/lack of support during the meeting that i exclaimed, "but Big Head, you were the one who made this suggestion in the first place!" and he simply kept quiet. what a two-faced hypocrite!!

furthermore, who is he to make such comments when my manager said at the end of the meeting itself that he appreciated that there was someone like me who challenged his ways, instead of simply keeping quiet like the rest and then complaining behind his back?

the dreadful thought of being stuck with him for the shifts just intensified a thousand times more.

i called my previous internship buddy, to whom i'm very close to and who now sits 2 storeys below, down for a walk. i must have disappeared from my desk for a noticeable amount of time, as my always-sensitive manager called me in for a one-to-one meeting. he started with apologizing if he appeared defensive and re-explained his rationale for rejecting my suggestion. i couldn't help it, but brought up to my manager the mean thing Big Head said to me. just as i conveyed it, i just started crying!

i think there was simply too much pent-up emotions inside- that no one supported me during the meeting even though they preferred my suggestion; that Big Head was so two-faced in changing his stance just to curry favour; that phebe unintentionally sabotaged me to be stuck with Big Head; that i would dread work everyday since i would not be able to have lunch with kerene/phebe; that Big Head made that mean comment and made me dread working with him even more; the act of being a dissident who had to take each blow from my manaher while the rest kept mum also stirred up much emotions internally.

my manager was very nice about it, and assured that he has known me since my internship, he knows what i'm like. he even went on to say things like he thinks i'm really good, he values me, and has told his boss that i'm good as well blah blah... he also said Big Head, who was brought up in a Western culture, may be more direct with his words but may not mean what he said. my manager is really nice like this, and has this uncanny ability to make his subordinates feel better all the time.

still, i am embarrassed that i actually shed tears in front of him. i don't want to appear like a weak, young girl who cannot handle stressful situations properly, which i know i have much to improve upon.

this brings me back to the quote. i think it would help if i was more aware of my 'effect'. did i really seem overbearing and disrespectful, even though my manager himself and another colleague present assured me i wasn't? if Big Head was more aware of his 'effect', would he be so obnoxious?

despite the negative sentiments from this incident that still make me recoil in embarrassment and disappointment, i'm going to take away with it an important lesson: to never let emotions get in the way of work, and to always be mindful of my 'effect'.

recent snapshots

view from my office window at sunset: stonehenge in singapore?

walking to dinner at tanjong pagar road after work..

had a yummy korean dinner at 2 day 1 night restaurant with 2 of my closest colleagues at work, kerene & phebe (who's korean but grew up in singapore)! i actually look forward to work cos of them :)

also met up with my dears for a simple dinner at...nostalgic jurong point! i'm soooo enthralled by the sugary-sweet christmas decorations there this year- PRECIOUS MOMENTS THEMED!! omg!! i wish i could pluck one of those angels off the tree and put it in my house!!

trumpet-blowing angels inside the mall

all smiles under the mistletoe!

i don't know why, but..

i've been feeling a dearth of ideas/inspiration/thoughts of late & looked back at my older entries to see why i had so much to write about in the past.

possible reasons:
1. i was more emotional before, and got more affected by the things around me
2. somewhat linked to point 1, i was less capable of sorting out of my own thoughts internally & had to do it through writing
3. now that i'm working, i have to somewhat restrict what i say about my job/colleagues
4. my mind has retreated to a numb/lazy recess that i don't evaluate/reflect on sights around me that much anymore..
5. there is simply nothing new going on in my life now, and therefore nothing to blog about!!

of the above, i think 4 & 5 are the most plausible reasons.

i'm not sure if i'm the only one who feels this way, but i feel working life has slowed down my pace of thinking, and toned down my need to feel productive and that i'm not wasting any time. that was definitely my mindset when i was studying, when i felt i should make the most of each moment to study if i were not engaged in social interactions with my friends or family.

i can't express how sedentary i feel now, and the worst thing is that my slow mind is also slow to act on the guilt of my evolution into a piece of lard. i feel like a sloth, really! i'm acutely aware of how i'm letting precious time slip by when i waste my weekday nights & entire weekends just lazing around, but i'm facing too much inertia to actually get down to doing something, anything!!

there are, of cos, numerous things i could do..perhaps i should list them down here to motivate myself:
1. running
2. sewing birthday pouches for chujie & kwa
3. preparing a secret santa pressie for phebe as part of my team's xmas celebrations (well, not so much 'secret' anymore since i could hardly conceal i was her santa when she asked me!!)
4. study for cfa level 2 (at least it makes me feel like a student again :))
5. reading the papers (quoting zk, my "general knowledge sucks!")
6. learning watercolour painting
7. exploring singapore to hone my photography skills!
8. volunteering (with RSPID/ASD/ACRES?)

been thinking about my career path a little more..and as much as i still don't know what i wanna do, i do think i won't be able to stay in Ops for a few years..i realised i only feel fulfilled when i have resolved issues which are more challenging to me, and Ops may not be able to provide that challenging edge. but then again, what are the challenging roles out there? and what am i equipped with to take on these more challenging roles?

in the meantime, i'll just continue to put in my best in my job.. :)

and to all my studying friends, jiayou! esp those in your final year...and to my working friends, esp those in audit, hang in there!!

happy birthday to a dear ole' friend

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY ENGHUI!!

yz waving away the "billowing smoke" from the diffused candles in her characteristic AUNTIE-manner

while i was reading with an unsuspecting engsin in JE lib, kwa & yz secretly made their way down to EXCITING CAFE GALILEE! what an apt place to surprise her on her birthday- the LIBRARY!! :p

a contented sinnie posing with my handmade card! :D

sometimes i'd like to reflect on the blessings in my life to de-magnify all the trivial problems which are really not problems after all, and one of the biggest blessings that first comes to my mind is sharing a genuine friendship with one of the most beautiful-hearted people around- enghui :)

despite the fact that i'd wish for her to be less easily-bullied by others, i seek solace in the fact that she's one of the extremely few people i can simply ask out without a justifying activity to do so, e.g. shopping/movies/eating etc., or feeling like a lonely loser who has nothing constructive to fill her time with. i like that i can arrange to meet her just on the pretext of 'let's meet up!' and she'd gladly do so without ever contemplating her potential boredom when i don't exactly have anything exciting planned in store. this, to me, is what a true friend is about- not feeling paiseh about wasting her time; doing nothing together but feeling it was time fruitfully spent; baring your most petty/trivial thoughts without fear of being judged- and that is what enghui is to me!

and so on this special day, this blog post is dedicated to my very best friend :)

friends are like cupcakes in my pantry of memories

my little collection of cupcake photos from my recent UK trip.

saw another quote -"you can't look at a (pretty) cupcake without smiling"- which i think it's rather true! :) pretty cupcakes are ALWAYS a popular subject for photography purposes; i guess they naturally bring about a fairytale atmosphere which makes all girls' hearts flutter!

hehe random post, just wanted to prettify my boring blog a little :p a little disappointment, but my volunteering stint with ASD was postponed to start this sat instead..they said 16 oct was not good for them..still can't wait though! jingkai's bro says he wanna volunteer wif me too!

egg-cited!! :D

i'm finally injecting new meaning into my life! just received a reply from Action for Singapore Dogs & i feel so excited about starting my volunteer journey with them every Sat...but that'll mean that i won't be able to go for sessions too..i know rspid is in good hands though :) will still go own to help out if they are short of volunteers or if they need any other kind of help!

this is the reply i got from them:

Dear Deoborah (typo)

Thank you for expressing interest in volunteering at our Adoption and Rescue Centre (ARC). We'll explain some of the kennel duties so you can have a better understanding of what is required of you.

Your responsibilities include socialising and walking the dogs. A number of the dogs at ARC are quite fearful of people so your job is to interact with them and draw them out of their shell. If you are able to help train them to understand basic commands, that would be a bonus.

If you see any pee or poo, you are expected to pick up the poo and clean up the pee with a mop. We strive to maintain a clean and spotless environment so volunteers are not encouraged to wear footwear into the premises.

We have mainly medium to large size dogs at the ARC so you must feel comfortable being around them. Dogs can detect fear and will take advantage of the situation if they sense that you are afraid. Our dogs are generally not aggressive but they can bite if provoked so care needs to be taken by the volunteer.

Besides interacting with the dogs, volunteers may also be asked to help with other tasks such as painting, gardening, moving funiture and other heavy items as well as cleaning and tidying rooms.

ARC volunteers are expected to help out at our kennels every Saturday from 12 noon - 3.30pm on a long term basis. The ARC is located in Lim Chu Kang and is quite inaccessible if you don't drive. Getting there by public transport involves taking an MRT to Kranji station and either continuing the journey by taxi or taking a bus and walking a distance in the sun or rain.

If you can only help out on an ad hoc basis or if you find that you cannot handle the responsibilities we have mentioned but are still interested in volunteering with us, please sign up on our website (www.asdsingapore.com) to receive our quarterly newsletters and other updates. We occasionally call for volunteers for ad hoc events (as puppy minders for example) so maybe you will have the opportunity to help out with our dogs in future.

If you are still interested in becoming an ARC volunteer, please let us know when you wish to start.

Thanks and best regards
Wendy Low
Action for Singapore Dogs Society

reading it just makes me more passionate to start! the only thing is transport arrangements, but i guess i'll work it out somehow :) i replied that i'll be able to start this coming sat (16 Oct), will update you all on how it goes! :D

to my (few but) loyal readers...

just wanted to say thank you for continuing to visit this measly, often-stagnant, space :) i think my blog is one of the most boring/non-sensational ones around, so only true friends will bother coming back to update themselves on my updates! ♥

replies to comments on my tagboard:

oeh: engsin! haha i think you're the ONLY person who will notice the FONT on my name plate?! but i think you're right! it looks like garamond..

pei: you and your 'wao'..you surely can one, it's super easy! just develop some nice photo shots, get a ball of twine & some wooden pegs and you're ready to go! i can provide the supplies! hehe

di: hehe if you gimme a photo frame with a photo of both of us, i'll surely place it on my table! :p

kez: hehe if i can be granted access into your office i can help you dear! but yea i heard now you all don't have fixed desks right..when can you get your own desk then?

my office desk

had more time on my hands yesterday, so i cleared my desk of all its mess & decorated it with photos i developed from my uk trip! had wanted to decorate my room wall like that, but mummy didn't allow me to cos she said it'd collect dust (!!).

but a prettier desk does make me look forward to going to work more, & it helps lift spirits! my buddy phebe, who sits on my left, told me as we were walking to the mrt after work, "deborah i feel very happy today because you decorated your table"..so silly right!! then when i offered to help her decorate hers cos i had extra photos she refused! she said she likes her table empty, but she likes that i decorated mine..hahaha cannot understand..

it's performance evaluation period now..i've seen some office politics come into play..because after all, compensation is what everyone is most concerned about at the end of the day..it reflects if all the hard work you put in is being recognized by your manager, and if it is not, it becomes a potential source of dissatisfaction & eventual turnover in the department. it's a tricky issue to deal with here.

will update more soon!

our memories of the ocean will linger on, long after our footprints in the sand are gone

haha typed the below quite a while ago, but never got round to posting cos i fell asleep halfway, i think!

***
wahh haven't updated this space in a looonggg time!

i guess when i'm working, there really is nothing interesting or different to make me feel the need to sort out my thoughts..to my friends who are concerned, i'm doing fine at work..i do somewhat enjoy going to work cos i quite like my team, and people are nice on the whole..did feel somewhat slighted by a certain colleague initially probably cos i was a newbie, but getting more confident and better able to stand up for myself now.

things have been going quite smoothly for me so far, i realised i'm quite a fast learner! :D i also have a buddy now, i'm only more senior in terms of experience in the firm by 4 weeks, but i'm expected to be teaching her everything! but i quite cherish this opportunity, at least i feel that i'm more value-adding, and i do enjoy teaching in general :)

went to bintan 1 weekend ago, enjoyed it alot! it was a last minute trip, we had no plans, but we were all easily contented people who sought fun in catching crabs, playing ball & frisbee in the shallow waters, admiring the sunrise right from our balcony and playing bridge (with the super-pro chieh) at night! loved the company :)

no longer as passionate about l4d now, but if it is organized i will defnitely still go haha! been suggesting to zk & jk that we should all explor supper places next time since they seem to be getting sick of l4d!! we went to bukit timah hawker centre on sat, they were so pig! 4 of us (zk, jk, jk's bro & me) ordered 7 dishes (carrot cake, satay, chicken wings, o jian, popiah, char kway teow, hokkien mee) + dessert later on!! must start exercising man, diana dear & peipeiii go jogging wif me!!

adapting to working life

i felt rather emo today..for reasons that my friends can probably expect, but for which my colleagues will probably think i'm behaving just like an unprofessional girl who has yet to grow up..

i'm not sure if everyone goes through such a struggling transition phase like me, but adapting to working life seems much more painful that i thought, for numerous reasons..

the biggest realisation that overwhelmed me was the fact that almost all my relationships with people now are gonna be purely working relationships..i know it's probably too early to say and i'm probably being overly-pessimistic, but that's the way i see and feel it now. other than my internship buddy whom i'm quite close to now, nobody else has really showed any interest in wanting to know me better on a personal level. i'm not saying i expect many people to want to know me in the first place, but i can't quite fathom how long i can survive without real friendship in the workplace.

at least when i talk to people, i really hope to know more about what kind of people they are, what drives their interests and thought process, and hope to build mutual excitement in growing a friendship together. and that is probably why i just get cumulatively more and more disappointed with each passing day. cos as opposed to being in school, spending more time together does not necessarily draw two people together, but instead prove to me that people are really just contented in keeping their interactions with you as such.

i knew i would miss uni and studying long before i graduated, but i never thought i'd miss it so badly..perhaps during the internship i always knew it was just a temporary thing; even if i failed to forge strong bonds/friendships, it was alright as i'd soon be returning to a place where all my friends are. but now, i'm actually on a PERMANENT job; i still feel so young and naive! to all my friends still studying, pleaseeee cherish your time in uni!

speaking of naive, i always thought i appeared rather strong in front of my friends, especially my girlfriends..that sometimes my close friends would value my thoughts and advice..but at the workplace, i really do think i can be considered as naive? everyone else seems so accustomed to the working world, so independent, so streetsmart, with no need for any form of help or advice on a personal level..at least they're not showing it to someone whom they probably perceive as too naive anyway, like me..

i really wonder how i should be like at work..just be myself- playful, chirpy, afraid to offend, but naively diligent at work? or seek to cultivate a professional front that people would respect more, and probably would find more intriguing and thus would wish to know me better? i don't wish to be practical here, but i'm starting to realise that some things really do have to change at the workplace..

and because i'm starting to conclude that i can't find much of a truly fulfilling, relationship-based life at work, i'm getting more and more motivated to sieve out what my interests are, and to pursue my hobbies seriously outside of work. few things i have in mind- exploring nature trails, photography, watercolour painting, volunteering with animal shelters..and of cos to meet up wif my friends, the important people who keep me grounded :)

yes! i shall get down to doing all these! i shall stop being a childish, emotional girl!