约定

haha i haven't blogged in ages, i wonder if anyone still bothers to visit this abandoned space. -blows dust-



got introduced to this song recently by zk. well, i've heard of it before, but it's the kind of song which you find familiar and can hum along to, but never really knew its singer, title or lyrics. it drove me to write this post because it got me all pensive again. i must say it's been a while since i last really immersed in my thoughts and got in touch with my emotions; it's a really heartwarming feeling..

these days, i get a little too caught up with the present. i'm not the kind who worries incessantly about the future or finds faults with the present, but i used to reminisce so much more than i do today (if i even do at all). reminiscing makes me feel human all over again because it paints a new coat of colours to faded, dumbed-down memories, invokes emotions into me, and reminds me of the life-embracing person i once was. it makes me recall how simple life was before and could still be now, how my emotions were so easily brought to a high by the smallest of events- knee-knocking trick i used to play on my friends in ny, chapteh in jc, an sms from zk back in jc...i don't know if it's true for others, but reminiscing makes all troubles in the present seem all the more trivial, because when you look back, you probably only recall the sweet and positive memories 90% of the time.

i must admit my emotions have been as lifeless as a graveyard in recent years- never too happy, or never too sad (apart from when i argue with zk). if i were to find a reason for this change, i would think it's just a way of protecting myself; while i am probably less inclined to feeling hurt or disappointed, i don't get truly, deeply happy too...

is it a worthwhile trade-off?

i think the fact that i haven't been blogging shows how much i've been really thinking, not academically or intellectually as i strive to improve myself at my job, but spiritually. it's not that i've been lazy, i just had NOTHING to write about; no new ideas, reflections, thoughts, emotions, inspiration, happenings..many a time i attempt to start a blog entry just to get the creative juices flowing, but i give up after a sentence or two. i think i'm not opening my heart enough to experience what there is to life...in the past when i first started this blog in jc and basically rambled on about how happy i was to meet up with my friends, how guilty i was for not mugging, it seems so trivial and childish looking back now, but i miss how my emotions were driven by such simple events. is this all part of growing up?

anyway, back to the point of why i wanted to share this song. i think i haven't heard a song like this in a while- so heartfelt and genuine. its lyrics depict an idealistic way of love, but which is so simple and achievable. i can't explain why it caused me to start reminiscing on past events again, but it did make me feel somewhat sad too. do i have this love so succinctly espoused in this song? is this love even possible if i'm the only one feeling excited about and looking forward to a future together?

i'm worried, my boyfriend either has amnesia or creates untrue memories

deborah says:
kk
did u notice ur new profile pic?
SOH says:
haha
ya
actually i chose it randomly, it was a picture from vienna
deborah says:
DEAR!
STOP LYING!
SOH says:
quite cute one the trees have leaves that form into balls!
dear it's true!!
deborah says:
dear
I WAS THE ONE WHO CHANGED UR DP
WHEN U WERE NOT IN UR ROOM!
SOH says:
huhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i chose itttttttttttttttttttt
deborah says:
NO!
SOH says:
msn??
deborah says:
YES!
SOH says:
OMG dear no!!!!
i chose ittttttttttttttttt
deborah says:
YESSSSS
DEAR
U ARE LYING THRU UR TEETH!
SOH says:
REALLY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
deborah says:
YESSSSSSSSSSS
DEAR
SOH says:
I REMEMBER CHOOSING IT!!!!!!!!!1
deborah says:
NO!
I REALLY CHOSE IT
I WANTED TO CHANGE UR DP
BEFORE THIS I FORGOT WAD IT WAS
THEN I BROWSED THRU UR PHOTOS ON UR COMP
WHICH IS LIMITED ANYWAY
THEN I SAW THIS COULD POTENTIALLY BE A GOOD PROFILE PIC
SO I CHOSE IT!
SOH says:
HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
omg
i have a serious problem
i really have this recollection that I was the one who chose it
deborah says:
omgggggg
SOH says:
this is weird

a hidden heart

It's times like these I really wish you were here beside me to give me a hug and make me feel nothing can be too bad for me to handle with you around.

veggie tales

so i've finally acted on my resolve to turn vegetarian! have been at it for close to 2 weeks now, and apart from the occasional discouragement from some of my colleagues (due to inconvenience) and my well-meaning parents (who are concerned about my nutrition), i think it has gone pretty well!

i don't miss eating meat at all. well, i was never one who enjoyed eating meat per se, but most of the time, the tastiness of the sauce/fried flour tempted me into shutting out thoughts of the animal that became meat on my plate. thoughts of how it was alive and kicking in one moment, but devoid of life in the next, because of me.

each person i told of my intentions to turn vegetarian would inevitably ask me 'why'. to be honest, i don't really like discussing this topic because i don't want to appear all noble and compassionate, because i really am not. i also don't wish to make the person hearing my explanation feel as though he or she was heartless for eating meat. there are so many other ways in which my actions are detrimental to animals, and i am far away from ever reaching a state in which my existence does not harm any animal at all. in fact, it may be impossible to ever reach that destination.

my daily necessity of hygiene is already a source of dispute. the toothpaste i use, the shampoo & shower foam i lavishly cleanse myself with, the cosmetics i use for work, which of these have been 100% free from animal testing? i used to see the term 'dermatologically tested' on my facial foams and viewed that as an assurance, but now i know it means 'dermatologically tested (on animals)'.

one step at a time, i tell myself. so my next resolve is to understand more about animal testing, and try to avoid using products of brands which perform it. for those of you who are interested, do visit the PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) website for a start. They list the various brands which test and don't test on animals. They also talk about other animal rights, and why animals are not ours to eat, to wear, to experiment on, to use for entertainment, or worst of all, to abuse.

(hyperlinks in blue)

http://www.peta.org/
why animals are not ours to eat
why animals are not ours to wear
why animals are not ours to experiment on
why animals are not ours to use for entertainment
why animals are not ours to abuse

cruelty of animal testing
"To test cosmetics, household cleaners, and other consumer products, hundreds of thousands of animals are poisoned, blinded, and killed every year by cruel corporations. Mice and rats are forced to inhale toxic fumes, dogs are force-fed pesticides, and rabbits have corrosive chemicals rubbed onto their skin and eyes."

brands which test on animals
prominent examples are l'oreal, p&g, colgate-palmolive, johnson & johnson, unilever (including countless sub-brands like dove which i have been using for the longest time!!! :()

brands which do not test on animals
ironically, the brands in this list are the ones which are more obscure......sigh

back to why i said it might be impossible to fully live an animal cruelty-free life..another pervasive instance which i feel in no control of this time is the use of animal testing in drugs. while it is so much easier to get rid of animal-harming behaviors which only serve to enhance our lives (improve our diets, maintain our hygiene, beautify ourselves through cosmetics and animal-based fashion wear/bags etc.), it is another issue altogether to put human health at stake. i am not in a position to comment much about this because i have not done enough research on this topic, on whether healing drugs can be produced without the need for animal testing. while i still resent the fact that humans value their health more than the life of an animal, will i still feel the same if it was my loved one who was ill and needed the drug badly?

just 3 days ago, as i was walking towards the bus stop to get to work, i saw a mynah standing on the road. (i always feel worried for these birds who stand along the road!! i've seen more than enough dead birds on the roads to know that they don't always manage to fly away in time) it seemed to be watching over this lump of mass beside it..much as i prayed it wasn't so, it was a dead mynah who probably just got run over by a car. i'm not sure how the 2 mynahs were related, but i can imagine it must have been feeling as much sorrow as a human would feel seeing our loved one in such a lifeless, mangled state. and yet the mynah could do nothing about it. until today, the dead mynah's body was still there, but this time even more unrecognizable, as more and more cars started to tear its body apart. my heart ached for it; what indignity it must have to suffer even in death.

and this thought strengthened my resolve even more to turn vegetarian. who am i to weep over a poor bird who got ran over by a car, if i continued to indirectly kill other birds by savouring tasty BBQ wings one after another?

but don't ask me to explain all the good reasons why i am doing so, because i can't give a satisfactory, rational answer myself. i am just following my emotions, and am probably trying to selfishly avoid the after-feeling of guilt.

it is a very personal belief and i don't intend to impose my vegetarian thoughts on those around me as well, but choosing animal-friendly consumer products is one step i encourage all of you to explore together with me! :)

a harrowing experience

what started out to be a guilt-inducing but relaxing experience watching star awards in my room turned out to be a heart-pumping scare!

i hardly watch tv, and less so the old free tv redeemed using exxon-mobil petrol points. it has literally been a white elephant in my room. i decided to let my lack of discipline get the better of me when i switched it on, neglecting my poor cfa tb which has been calling out to me to be flipped the whole week!

after around 10 minutes, i heard a crackling pop sound and suddenly, there was GREY SMOKE BILLOWING from the vents of my tv!! the screen still played on fine, with colour, sound and all, but the smoke was starting to fill my nostrils! i, with my shaky index finger, pushed the power button, and then turned off the main plug.

BUT the smoke still continued to emanate from the tv for a good 15 min! i hastily pushed my windows open and closed the room door and sought shelter in the living room! i didn't know what to do at all cos my all-knowing parents had just left the house for dinner and it'd be some time before they got back...

in the meantime with a racing heart, i pondered over silly thoughts like what would happen if the tv suddenly exploded and my whole house, including me, caught fire?? would i jump out of the window and aim for the swimming pool to douse the flames on me? or if it was not so extreme, but only the tv caught fire, what are the items i would rush to retrieve first from my room for keepsake? haha i don't know if this is amusing, but my cfa textbooks were my first thought!! (probably cos of its overriding priority in my life now since exams are coming up) my next thought was to stash away all the photos i have in my room + the gifts from zk (zk, are you touched??)...after that my silly mind stopped blabbering to itself....

when daddy came home and i told him about it, he just calmly said, 'orhh, you know it's the transistor (whatever that is) being worn out, cannot do anything already la', and mechanically proceeded to unplug the tv with all its cables and removing it from my room!

oh my, what would i do without my protective, handyman daddy??

rojak post

can't believe how inconsiderate singaporeans can get these days, younger ones i'm referring to here. countless times i have seen how old folks stand right in front of seated youngsters on the train who show NO sign of budging. just 2 days ago, there was an obviously pregnant lady directly in front of a priority seat. the guy occupying wasn't sleeping (or pretending to be), just stared ahead at the floor with a chao bin expression. he was not handsome, not ugly too, but immediately i found everything about him so ugly!!! omg i dunno how else to describe such a screwed up person..sometimes i imagine myself being all righteous and going up to these ppl to ask them to give up their seats, but i'm held back by the fear of attracting too much attention to myself afterwards. what a shame that singapore has become so developed, but our sense of community & caring for one another has only served to deteriorate.

on the same thread of public transport, why do i get the feeling that youngsters (gosh i view myself as no longer a youngster!!) think it's un-hip to occupy the front half of a bendi-bus? they must either stand in the circular centre or the back (assuming an empty bus)!

another random thought, in places like taiwan/japan where ppl release pretty lanterns into the sky, where do these lanterns eventually reach? do they suddenly stop combusting and float back to the ground???

and and and.....

i'm gonna get an iphone 4!!!! never imagined the day i would get one, since i'm quite the status-quo person and wouldn't change my phone unless i lost it (quite probable). but, EVERYONE around me has one, at least in the office, and i'm starting to get won over by the user-friendly & superb functions the iphone possesses:

1. for one, it's greatest attraction is its web-surfing capabilities. coupled with a large display screen, i can easily occupy my daily travelling journeys enriching myself with NEWS! now, i always feel i'm wasting my time on the train, but can't really study for cfa cos the book is just too bulky.

2. it's so much easier & cheaper to keep in touch with my friends! i've witnessed the beauty of whatsapp and the fact that sending messages is free cos it's just like an msn chat. videocalling etc. will also be free as long as both parties have data plans...i hope this will overcome my dislike towards smsing..hehe..and i like the fact u can attach photos to your messages, i'm gonna spam my friends!

3. i've been playing around with the downloaded funky camera apps on my friends' iphones and i'm in love with the vivid photos taken :D in future, i wouldn't have to bring my digicam around anymore! hehe

on the downside, monthly bill will double cos of the dataplan...but i'm getting it through my company's corporate plan, so the 16GB iphone will only cost $60, with monthly bill at $40 (500 sms, 200 min outgoing, 32 GB data). what held me back initially was the touch screen typing, but i have tried to acquaint myself to it through playing with bebe's iphone, and it's true humans can do anything as long as they get used to it! and mummy helped me in getting approval to waive the early recontract fee! hehehe...but it'll take prob 2 days to be delivered to my office, i'm EGG-CITED!!!

sunday breakfast @ macs

our lives are usually so boring, that we decided to venture (on zk's & jk's bicycles) to west coast park for breakfast on sunday! pictures below :)

pumping air into our wheels before we set off at the nearby esso

view from the window at macs

haha i think this photo is super funny! zk is testing the angle to zi-pai while i have already cycled off to find a better spot!

fooling around on the super-high flying fox. mine didn't have enough momentum to reach the other side & i had so much trouble getting off it! realised then i might have a slight fear of heights!

sweet sunday morning shared by father & son

cool heart-shaped stains were strewn along the concrete path by the sea. i wonder who created them...

pretty flower back at zk's house

this photo was supposed to be landscape- not sure why it turned out portrait!

victorian-style flowers adorning the window of a neighbouring house

another cool flower planted by zk's dad

heartache

this morning while walking to the bus stop i saw a flattened, furry mass on the road. through half-squinted eyes i tried to make out what it could be. my first guess was a mynah, as i see them as victims of road accidents the most. but it was furry, and so 'squirrel' crossed my mind as i once saw a dead squirrel on the same road before. it was almost indistinguishable, and i was constrained by the flickering green man and also my fear/heartpain of staring longer, but i saw a distinct tail & tortoise-shell furry coat and i knew it was a cat.

maybe i am generally more alert towards observing objects lying on the road, i tend to see the tragic fates of many innocent animals. and each time, i feel such a heartache that i have to force my thoughts to not linger on what i saw in order to prevent myself from crying.

i can't help but try to re-enact the accident scene in my mind. did the animal just start crossing the road, or did it almost reach the other side and nearly escape death? was it aware of the danger of the swiftly speeding cars? did it feel fear while crossing the road or did it attempt to cross naively? i just hope it died an instant death, no matter what. i can't bear to imagine what it must have felt if it was seriously injured and in pain the first time it was knocked, and incapable of moving itself to escape subsequent vehicles. it would have been so scared, so defenseless.

what pains me the most is the indignity that they have to suffer in death. the moment a human gets knocked down, the police cordorns off the whole area- for investigation, for prospective insurance claims, for prosecution. when the victim is a poor, defenseless animal, its carcass is left there to get run over again and again, by unsuspecting vehicles whose drivers couldn't care less. nobody stops for a moment to move its body to the side of the road, nor grieve for its untimely death. it becomes an unrecognizable, volumeness mass, with a non-existent bone structure.

it's yet another instance when animals are harmed due to the actions & creations of humans....

rest in peace, poor little cat...

are humans really the king of all living things?

Excerpt from an auto-forwarded Reuters newsletter into our group mailbox.

CHICAGO, February 10 (Reuters) - The prospects look good for a record strong showing by U.S. meat exporters this year given the growing global demand for meat products and the recent outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease (FMB) in South and North Korea, which has led to the culling of millions of livestock in that region. But with rising crop prices posing a direct threat to livestock feeding operations, the road to success may be a bumpy one, and only those operators with diligent input-hedging practices will likely reap the full rewards.

What does reading the above news make you feel?

This, in particular, was most poignant in my opinion:

"..recent outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease in South and North Korea...led to the culling of millions of livestock in that region.."

As I get older, and my beliefs start to take a more solid form, I feel more and more inclined towards turning vegetarian. Why should animals get killed simply for the safety and protection of human beings? Who do we think we are to take away the lives of 'millions' of animals just to secure our supposedly-more-important lives?

Humans only triumph in the fact that we have developed more powerful tools/technology, that we start rearing/owning animals just for the sake of killing them to meet our demands- diet, health, religious, fashion, and worst of all, hunting entertainment.

In the natural world, where other animals kill one another only for the sake of survival, there isn't even such a thing as a living thing 'owning' another living thing. Why do we assume we have the rights to regard ourselves as the invincible king at the top of the foodweb?

I'm not against eating meat for survival & health reasons. But for all other purposes, I think it's unnecessary. That is why I will make sure any meat ordered on the food table is finished; no animal should die only to get thrown away and decay subsequently.

I'm not sure about fish & crustaceans, but I'm rather certain that mammals & birds have feelings, thoughts & memories like us. Therefore as much as we fear death, they must too.

But I guess I still need more willpower to completely abstain from meat, especially if social circumstances or the inconvenience of locating a vegetarian stall deters a non-meat diet.

I'm uplifted by the fact that zk is starting to have these same beliefs as me. We have made a pact to eat only vegetarian when it's just the both of us going out from now on!

i feel blessed...

just lying tummy-down on my cute ladybug bedsheet, using my laptop at a pace with no urgency to surf mostly-unconstructive sites, mildly dazzled by the slightly dim but warm incandescent lightbulbs hanging from my room ceiling, and feeling no bodily discomfort at all.

i feel guilty for enjoying such comfort & indulgence; i must remind myself to cherish all these blessings, always!

.....

to be outstanding in a less-than-challenging environment, or mediocre in a high-achieving one?

what's your take on this?

first instincts

how much do they mean to you?

to me, they reflect our innate priorities & values.

when someone's first instincts are not in line with yours, do you-

accept it, try to change it, or walk away?

being fashionable!

wahahaha, upon diana's persuasion & out of my own vanity & curiosity, i just dyed my hair! got the liese bubble dye, in chiffon beige. just shampooed & conditioned my hair but waiting for it to dry so i can apply that nourishing lotion that came along in the box!

can already see traces of the brown, and i can't help but feel i resemble those orang-utans i saw in the zoo the other day- exact same orange/brown colour!! :( i feel scared to get out of the house tmr and go to work like that already!!! help!!

and my colleagues who were with me when i bought the dye (we went watsons at international plaza to walk walk during lunch!) already teased me even before this- they started calling me Chiffon Tan instead of Pavan Tan (Pavan was the name that appeared when ppl dialed my extenstion for the longest time; it belonged to a previous MALE intern!!). can't imagine what they'll say tmr!!!

that said, felt the urgency to dye my hair to signify a fresh start to a new working year. letter day was yesterday, and for those of you who do not know what it means, it simply means bonus day. everyone has to enter a room with his/her manager separately, when the latter would then hand over a piece of paper indicating the bonus for the year, as well as incremement going forward.

well, it is my FIRST ever bonus, and i guess it's sth to be celebrated! as a newbie, i totally couldn't discern if it was good or bad..but after some subtle discussions with my closer colleagues, i realised it's pretty lousy! mainly cos my bonus pool comes direct from HR cos i'm part of the graduate program...i'll only be evaluated against my own colleagues in my team this coming year, which would hopefully then recognize me with a compensation in line with my performance.

but all in all, i feel lucky to even received sth! hehe...shall give my parents a good dinner treat!

new year, new outlook!

i must have been too bored; instead of doing something more constructive like studying for cfa, i actually wasted time designing a new layout! just felt like giving this personal space a new look, and hopefully new inspiration in thought.

feel quite proud of it actually! of course i didn't type the html code from scratch; i downloaded a template from blogskins, removed the frills, copied elements from my previous template, and customized the fonts/colour/layout. most of all, i used a photo i took myself and added the lovely poem (from the internet) on it! :)

i guess this would be an apt post to throw in my new year resolution- to stop being a procrastinating sloth, and to always seek the positive in situations and people instead of harping on the obstacles/flaws.

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened -Anatole France

taking a stroll around the zoo for 6 hours with a camera in hand and a best friend on whom i can depend made just my perfect birthday. thanks diana dear for always being available & making me feel that you are; few people allow their lives to revolve around their friends to such an extent like you :)

thanks to all who remembered & for your well-wishes. i have finally reached 22, am now a working adult, have become a little more cynical about people (not life), but still as contented with my blessings as before. shall keep my new year resolutions to the next post!

for now, do enjoy some of the photos taken at the zoo below!