reflections on 2009

since boring and no-life me is nua-ing at home on new year's eve unlike my more happening friends, it seems a good time to blog about the year which has just passed and of my 21st birthday..

i'll blog about the latter first..i made the decision not to celebrate my birthday, mainly out of laziness to plan and also the fear of feeling paiseh when i have troubled many people to gather cos of me..and worse still, them feeling bored if i'm a lousy host, which i know i am!

i was very touched, however, by some of my friends who decided to give me surprise celebrations anyway..i felt as if i mattered to them because they bothered to take the trouble to do something for me and try and make me feel special..

first it was kez, wei, prissy and van..it was just supposed to be a normal uni-girls dinner (very early on the 23rd)..they were so cute in trying to hide the surprise!! first kez was behaving all secretive on the phone with wei when we were in kino cos they were trying to get a bday card for me without me knowing, then prissy arrived with a cute litte breadtalk box..which later revealed a cute and petite santa kisses cake! and kez managed to fish out a havaianas box from her bag which she had been hiding all along! i was so amused..even though they had not enough time and were all writing my card IN FRONT of me, i was still very touched..by their intention to even celebrate it for me..thanks ken and adel for sharing in the present too! and they say there's part 2 of the present which they haven't gotten, but really, i don't need anything else..i'm thankful enough already :)

then it was rspid peeps..the always-so-sweet-and-thoughtful gang..i went for v camp from 27th to 29th..and on 28th night after project id sharing, they started to switch off the lights, when xx brought up the cake from downstairs..and everyone started singing..i felt super paiseh and always don't really know how to react in such situations..but i tried to act brave anyway! i didn't really dare look at the crowd in the eye, but i spotted diana's and peipei's wide grins and felt warm and fuzzy inside :) thanks yaoyao for getting the cake..

then later while we were cycling and it reached 12, those in my group started singing a bday song for me (again!)..i guess it would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience..to hear a birthday song while cycling! hehe..luckily it was in the dark so i could hide my paisehness..

then the smses started coming in..and jingjingpok was the cutest!! only when i reached home did i realise she was trying to find all means to wish me!! she was the first to call me at 12am sharp to wish me (and endanger my cycling :p), then she sent an sms..and when i reached home i saw that she had left an offline msg on msn and posted a msg on my wall on facebook! and when i laughed at her later she said she forgot the last channel- email!! so silly la she..but i'm really glad for a friend like her..one whom i know will put me before herself..i feel it's really rare to find friends like these..to be honest i can only think of one other friend who would do the same..

on the 29th itself, after a restful sleep when i reached home from the camp (thanks kokwei for the lift!) i went out of dinner with my parents and zk..at the soup restaurant at vivocity..when i reached home my mummy was at home..there was a birthday card on the table for me..mummy wrote a touching message inside for me-

"To our dearest Darling Deborah,

You're the best gift we've ever got and you've made us very happy and proud as your parents. Congratulations on reaching adulthood but you'll always be our precious little girl!

Lots of love,

Mummy & Daddy"

i went to hug my mummy and told her i loved her, to which she replied the same..it's sad how as i grow older, it seems not-awkward to hug my mummy and tell her i love her only on special occasions like these..to think i used to do that to my parents that every single day back in primary school i didn't know if i'd ever stop doing that..

then it was time to watch avatar with zk! we had free gold class tix which we used for a good movie of the same standard..the seats were super comfy..we could raise the leg raise and recline the back such that we could actually lie 180 degrees..but i wouldn't think $28 per ticket otherwise is worth the experience..

anyway, the very thoughtful but cannot-keep-secrets-for-nuts diana revealed to me that she got vouchers on behalf of the comm and that i'll have to go shopping with peipei and her to get a bag! hehe so nonsense lor she i just had to probe a bit over the phone and she told me everything! :p

i also wanna thank edmund for getting me this very unique handicraft kit, so suitable for someone like me who enjoys making handmade stuff!! and kokwei for getting me a biography on michael jackson..its partly about how those ruthless people subjected him to extortion..and hmm even though i already noe the gist, it's a little painful to read the details..i don't really like to know about how ppl mistreated him! and xiuxia for thinking of getting flowers for muilian to pass to me at the end of our christmas celebration session..really sweet and thoughtful of ya girl..bingyao was in-charge of getting the flowers and he told me about the story about how he anyhow chose the flowers cos he didn't know wad i like! hehe

but my birthday also made me sad about something else..won't say what it is here, but i hope it's just me thinking too much..but growing older has also made me feel being hopeful and also having that childlike wilfulness will never retain a friendship if the other party allows it to slip away..so i won't force things anymore..for an emotional person like me, nonchalance, i guess, is the best form of self-protection, from potential hurt and disappointment..

***

so much about my 21st..i'm so old now!

of 2009..now that i've gotten through it, looking back always make things seem smooth-sailing, no matter all the emotional turbulences i've felt along the way..

i've moved on from being a second-year student to a third-year student..it's so cliche to say this, but i really hate how time flies..i don't wanna graduate! made some truly wonderful friends, however little they may be..who made uni so much more missable in the future..

since it seems almost customary to make resolutions for the new year..i shall make them! i don't have specific tasks to complete, but my main resolution is to be a better person..honestly in the past, like back in secondary school, when i was asked to think of personal flaws, it was really difficult to think of a substantial one, other than not being appreciative enough of my parents..but now, i'm so ashamed that so many flaws simply developed along the way..i don't know if it's due to my growing older and being cynical..but if michael jackson could retain his beautiful heart and values all his life, then why can't i?

to me my greatest flaw now is my being calculative..i really never used to be like that! i'm starting to hate this person i'm becoming..calculative in terms of expecting things of my friends, of zk..and getting upset when they can't meet those standards..which lowers my willingness of how much to give to these relationships in future..it seems as though i need to be convinced now of how much the other party is willing to put into the relationship before i decide how much to give? it's a selfish way of thinking, a means to protect my calculative self..in the past i would just give wholeheartedly to my friendships..be it making handmade stuff for my friends or asking to meet up etc..now i'll only be inclined to make things for ppl whom i know will appreciate it or have proven to me that they care very much about their friendship with me..i just can't seem to accept one-sided giving anymore?

i don't wanna be so selfish..i want to be more gracious, less calculative, more forgiving..i want to be a better daughter..i want to stop getting annoyed when my daddy asks too many questions about the trivial things in my life..i am consciously aware that he is asking about my life because he truly loves me and cares about me..but sometimes i really don't like it when he asks how my friends in uni are doing and stuff cos i don't like him to compare me with others..but i always feel very guilty after i am rude because he doesn't deserve my rudeness at all..more and more i can feel how much my parents love me..their lives seem to revolve around me..sometimes i wish they didn't do so much for me, cos it's so much more difficult to repay them in future..and yes, this is another flaw of mine..i keep assuring myself that i can always 'make amends' for my lack of display of appreciation for my parents by earning money to give them a good life in future..but why must it only be in the future? why can't it start now? why can't i make them feel loved right now?

i think i've mentioned this before, but i always feel the need to put up a strong and brave front in front of my parents..if i cry cos of anything, i will never let them see it..even if i'm affected by a friendship problem..i won't let them know i'm affected..i may tell them about that friend, but i'll never show i'm sad or disappointed..and maybe cos of this i find it difficult to simply go up to them and hug them and tell them i love you, or show my appreciation so openly because i must act strong? i know it doesn't seem rational here haha..

in short, i want to be a better daughter, friend and girlfriend..i want those who matter to me to feel happier because i am in their lives..i don't want to end the year regretting the person that i was or not liking who i am..i think the most important thing is to be able to face up to yourself..if i were a separate person, will i be someone i would like as a friend?

happy 2010, everyone! :)

forgiveness

"forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past" -Anne Lamott

i dunno why, but this quote really struck me and resonated in me..i rarely chance upon quotes which allow me to understand myself better but this one really did..think it must have been fate that i saw it!

i was in this bookstore (think it's called page one or sth) in vivo and started flipping those self-help books..and this book was about being happy..and in this section about forgiveness the author quoted this quote above! and immediately it got to me..because i've always tried to tell myself to forgive, to make it less tiring for myself cos staying angry is tiring and to make it less agonizing for the other party..but somehow i don't practise what i preach to myself!

most of my arguments with zk revolve around this..sometimes i get upset when he's too busy to find me..and i'm upset by thinking of the wonderful moments i would have experienced should we have spent that time otherwise together, in other words, 'a better past'..

and so this quote really expressed my behavior and emotions succintly in a few words! and by understanding my motivations for or barriers to forgiveness better, i guess it is easier to forgive when you understand the root cause of your being upset better..

and since christmas is about love, while michael jackson was the greatest embodiment of forgiveness, my new year resolution will be to be more forgiving and less calculative! :)

and i changed mj's music away..i think it's still quite painful for me to hear him singing..and i still hope more of my friends will bother to find out more about him and understand why i'm so obsessed over him! haha..

this new song is an instrumental version of 'we all fall in love sometimes' by kevin kern..sounds melancholic i know..but i like these kinda songs! hehe

a christmas post

haha omgg i was clearing my thumb drive and found this essay i wrote for English class back in Sec 4..it's really really cheesy, but since it's the Christmas season now, i felt it was such an apt moment to chance upon it! hehe..forgive me if some parts make you cringe but i just decided to paste it in my blog for fun! in the mood of christmas joy! we were given the title 'Around the Corner' and we could spin any story we'd liked..so..here goes!

***

Around the Corner

Christmas was just around the corner. Streets were bustling with activity, with people streaming in and out of shopping centres, with a deadweight of shopping bags tugging their arms down. Christmas shopping was unavoidable, where this season of giving and sharing was one that everyone looked forward to. Exchanging gifts had always been a sweet and heart-warming gesture that never failed to lift one’s spirits up in such a joyous occasion.

But what really lies under such a pretty façade- one of colourful lights, catchy jingles, melodious carols, assorted chocolates and beautifully-wrapped gifts?

It was indeed a strange year. Every year, occupied in his office strewn with colourfully yet sweetly decorated envelopes, with his hands flipping letters open one after another, with his eyes scanning across paragraphs of handwriting (sometimes scrawl), would be good old Santa in his cosy red armchair. It was difficult to even take a deep breath in between letters; it was a race against time, or else at the expense of the happiness of Christmas. After all, Christmas was just around the corner. There was no time to waste.

Now he found it weird.

With his spectacles not deliberately left to slide down the bridge of his nose, Santa could see clearly the different shades of his pale brown carpet, and the resistant coffee stain he once tried so hard to remove. The emptiness of it all was beginning to dawn upon him, as he tried so hard to dismiss all negative thoughts about Christmas that worried him.

Where had all the letters gone?

Christmas was just around the corner; Santa could not afford to be idling around!

Still, comfortably under the frigid roofs of many houses, children were penning down their last-minute Christmas wishes. Now adults had also been swirled into the whirlpool of Christmas fantasy; everyone was writing letters to Santa, hoping to take advantage of Santa’s write-and-you’ll-get-it policy. Following which, they would take a stroll to the end of Candy Street, and just around the corner, would be Santa’s very own post box. The norm would be to simply slot your Christmas letter into the gold-lined slit, where your letter will then swirl through several metres underground, right into Santa’s office.

But this was not how it seemed to be now. Letters were strewn and forming messy stacks around the post box, yet people were still inconsiderately just trying to thrust their letters into a considerably stubborn opening, just to get their wishes across to Santa.

Santa’s elf had secretly witnessed all these from around the corner, and felt disappointed but also a wave of relief surging through him on his solving of the “mystery of the lost letters”. Santa and his elves had succumbed to their overwhelming anxiety about the letters and fell prey to many sleepless nights; the worry inside them was increasingly penetrating as Christmas drew nearer day by day. How were they to deliver the presents when they were not even sure about the Christmas List? Now that the truth had come to light, everyone heaved an immense sigh of relief. Greed was indeed the cause of the problem. So this was what happened-

People’s wishes were getting too materialistic; they were asking for things they did not need. People had many wishes each, but there were only few who really held on to the true spirit of Christmas- love. So, to teach them all a silent lesson, Santa’s post box automatically shut its opening when it realized what monetary desires the people harboured. Seeing the mayhem of letters, the people continued to contribute to the untidiness of it all. Did they still not understand the true spirit of Christmas?

The fact that Christmas was around the corner meant to instil in everyone a greater sense of appreciation for one another, to seek tranquillity and joy amidst the fun and laughter, and lastly to prepare everyone for the day of giving and sharing. Above all, love was one of the key flavours to Christmas sweetness. Yet, people made unethical use of Christmas being around the corner, of Santa’s post box just being round the corner, to satisfy their materialistic desires, to want for themselves only. How could Santa allow them to fall deeper into the trap of humanistic avarice?

On the eve of Christmas, those who had attempted forcing envelopes into Santa’s post box seemed to have gotten a reply from Santa. One by one, the letter boxes were opened, and to the people’s utmost horror, they found their own letters to Santa back in their hands. However, in each and every envelope, was also Santa’s message:

‘Hohoho! Merry Christmas to one and all! Please do not be appalled upon receiving this. I am truly sorry to be the most unexpected wet blanket, but I think it is time all of you should close your eyes, cleanse your minds of worldly desires, then look around and see only what is essential. I apologize for the absence of presents addressed by me, kids (and adults).

Go, go, immerse yourselves in the true Christmas warmth, and believe me, you’ll find happiness that no present can offer!

With much love (yet regret),
Santa’

Sometimes, Santa could be such a killjoy, but his letter seemed to have sprinkled some magical dust on the people’s minds. ‘Home’ was the only destination in the minds of those who were enlightened.

On Christmas day, under the frigid roofs, the houses glowed with the warmth of love, with every appreciative hug between two who cherished each other. Around the corner, a clacking sound could be heard coming from Santa’s post box too.

Santa was never wrong; the true spirit of Christmas was indeed just around the corner.

***

omg haha the ending is super slipshod and CHEESY..i can't stand the part about Santa's letter! i think it's so naive and idealistic to expect people to suddenly be enlightened by a few words from Santa haha..but oh well..that was how naive i was back in Sec 4!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! :D

shuffling between desperation and nonchalance
a preoccupied journey
serene and tranquil
pyramidol shapes ebbing to and fro
warm, balmy air
goosebumps from the confluence of the scorching heat and occasional breeze
a sketch of a bobbing boat on a namecard
a brave promise

i miss...

exams are over! and i instinctively went back to watching mj's videos on youtube..though sometimes i try to stop myself from watching cos i'll start to feel sad all over again..

but anyway, the below are the links to three videos i really hope everyone can watch..they're basically from the interview he had with oprah winfrey back in 1993 i think (and again, i soo respect how he stuck soooo strongly to his wonderful values since then and displayed the exact same thoughts in his 2005 interview! how many ppl can stand true so consistently to their values like this?)

now that exams are over and you're free, don't dismiss him before trying to know him! he's really one amazing person..and i don't usually get awed by one person to such an extent like that..as you'll see in the 2nd video below, what his good friend, elizabeth taylor, says about him simply sums it all up- 'he's a good man'

i hope he can become a role model to many other people too :)

hmm the video had their embedding function disabled so i can only attach the links here! really hope everyone will go watch :)

1. Interview Part 3- this part brings up all those crazy rumours in the press & i hope it helps dispels all those serious misconceptions others have of him..made me realise how easy it is to believe what is written in the papers..and like wad mj said, if it's repeated enough, people start to believe it..and i was guilty of not displaying mature discretion..i did not even think then that everything could be easily made up by the press..and again, mj was so wise in saying, 'never judge a person unless you've got the chance to talk to him one-on-one'..it also taught me not to be so judgmental..

2. Interview Part 4- this is when elizabeth taylor appears and so accurately describes the person he truly is..i fee glad by how she understands him so much and seeks to let the world know it :) and on a sidenote, see how humble and gentlemanly he is when he gives up his seat for her!

3. Interview Part 5- here you can see again how much he genuinely loves children and cares for the sick..and how he is super super talented..he could simply give an impromptu dance/moonwalk and singing/beatbox performance..only true talents can do sth so impressive out of NOTHING!!

colours of the sky :)

can you all see the pretty double rainbow above?? :D

i went to peer out of the window in hope of seeing my pink clouds again, and was DELIGHTED to see not one, but TWO rainbows donning the sky! i immediately ran into my room to get my camera, cos i knew rainbows vanish very quickly..which makes the sighting of them even more precious and special :)

zk was leaving my house for his home then and i was feeling a little down, but seeing these 2 rainbows just made my day! hehe

i hope it signifies a wonderful post-exam day tmr for everyone! :D

i can't wait for exams to over so i can go admire and take photos of the sunset..

i realised there is only this extremely short span of around 3 min when the clouds at my house area wil turn pink from the setting sun each day..each time i witness such a moment, i'll whip out my camera and just manage to capture 1 or 2 shots before the clouds resume to being white again..

today, on my way home from ntu, i saw an extremely special sky! not only were the clouds glowing golden from the setting sun, there was this dense, fluffy build up of clouds AND the moon strategically placed just a metre (from my perspective) beside them! ahh..i so wish i could capture that moment on my camera!

but i was driving (with my daddy beside me of cos) and i could hardly stare at the sky long enough without steering off-course! till my daddy told me that when i checked the side mirror i still gotta focus on the road ahead..i didn't dare say it was cos i was trying to look at the sky!

had wanted to go for session last sat cos i had a rather long break till my next paper..but kinda fell sick :( (strong me got well by the next day though! hehe) guess i'll start resume going for sessions this sat only! exams end on fri!

and last week i went with mummy to get some groceries cos she was cooking dinner..she was planning to prepare western food..and she called my daddy to asked what type of meat he preferred..and this was how the conversation went:

mummy (to my daddy): so you prefer lamb or beef? don't talk nonsense la quick
-puts down phone-
me: haha what did daddy say? why you ask him not to talk nonsense?
mummy: aiya your daddy la, said 'so good ar, tonight cook western ar'..and purposely said it loud loud for his colleagues to hear..
me: hahaha how come?
mummy: you know your daddy la, sometimes he's like this one, want to show off..

hahaha i just found it very cute and funny! :)

simple, glowing joys of life :)

i think i've mentioned this before, but i love how the sun brightens up the sky and how its rays have the ability to cast a magical yet soothing golden glow on places they reach, even from a million lightyears away..

i was studying at home the other morning (that's when the sun's rays stream into my house through the windows most intensely) and i was delighted to see various corners of my living room washed aglow! :)

so i decided to take a few photos to capture that glorious moment..hehe..i dunno why, but i feel very happy whenever i see things turn yellow under the sun..it gives me both a nostalgic and tranquil feeling..

looking out of my living room window..liked the way the sky was filled with little fluffs of clouds!

see, even the green looks yellowish! :)

view from my room window! i know it's not clear here, but again, i feel happy when the green grass has a yellowish glow..cos i feel these moments are very ephemeral and special! :)

still in awe...

...of michael jackson :)

sigh i can't find a way to shake off this sadness and how much i'm being affected by the things i keep learning about him, in a positive way of course..

i don't know what exactly i'm affected about too..i guess its just many different overwhelming emotions..firstly angry about the irresponsible media who reported just soo many untruths while failing to realise he was human and had feelings too..and then helpless that many people around me still have serious misconceptions about him and cannot really be bothered to seek truth to these misconceptions..and a tinge of yearning to have been able to meet this person in my life..and lastly, awe- more and more, i'm drawn to this man who just seems to be outstandingly above the average person, both in terms of talent and depth of character..how could someone be just. so. amazing??

now, whenever i see any performer, i immediately discount him/her cos i'll have a tendency to compare them to mj! and in my opinion, hardly anyone can surpass his talent and creativity! hehe

yesterdaly i (piratedly) downloaded his autobiography, titled 'moonwalk'..read the first 10 pages but had just enough discipline to stop and force myself to study for my 301 exam instead today..but once it ended, i immediately continued my read, eager to find out more about his thoughts and yet reluctant to finish reading the 86-page journal too soon..

and my, what depth there was in his thoughts..i won't gush about this character here that much since i already did so in a previous entry..he quite repeatedly wrote about how he felt much older than his age, given that he started working so hard at the age of 5..and what intrigues me is how he displayed so much wisdom beyond his years, probably a result of experiencing so much more than others his age, and wisdom in being able to see what's important in life- simply appreciating the simple things in life, loving others, and being innocent, unjudgmental and inquisitive like children..many people labelled him as the 'kid who never grew up', but who are we to deem that a misfit? living a life the way most others do does not necessarily mean we're living it the 'right' way..if we deem it as shedding our inner child..mj was always aware of the grown-up responsibilities he had to carry, be it in supporting his family or in giving his best in all his music (which he viewed as basic 'courtesy' to his audience), and yet he was mindfully seeking to retain that child-like innocence and willingness to explore in himself..how many of us can actually strike such a wholesome balance?

and i guess this is the reason why he managed to create out-of-this world music and performances that nobody could paralell..be it his singing style, novel dance steps (he pioneered the moonwalk and robot dance), and each element in his songs..he wrote in his autobiography about how he was a perfectionist, and he would keep on improving on the smallest elements in his songs until they produced the right feel for him..just reading about his efforts exposed me to the intensity to which he invested his soul and efforts into everything..and i could easily imagine how tiring this might have been..for us, a few projects in uni are enough to keep us whining and getting stressed over..but for him, he took it upon himself to continually innovate and try..he said 'creating' was one of the most important activities in his life..from that alone i can already infer what a determined and driven soul he had..another quality i can add to my previous list under 'role model qualities'! hehe

he was also constantly learning from others..by observing what they were doing and questioning the inspirations behind their work..he was always intrigued by the talents of others and was a very keen learner..something i feel not many people actually possess..cos it can be a tiring process...but it was simply an innate desire in him! the want to improve himself always..

hehe and i'm glad he has influenced my life in a good way..nowadays, when i think a certain way, i would question, what would michael jackson think or do? if i was about to complain about something, i would remember his forgiving nature and think twice about feeling upset..if i felt proud of something and wanted to tell someone, i would recall his humble nature..if i felt lazy to study or understand something i didn't, i would think of his lifelong passion for learning and perfecting himself and feel inspired! i really think he's a very good role model :)

and i shall end off with a quite a few quotes from his autobiography which i found particularly moving/inspiring/wise:

on life-

"I feel old for some reason. I really feel like an old soul, someone who's seen a lot and experienced a lot. Because of all the years I've clocked in, it's hard for me to accept that I am only twenty-nine. I've been in the business for twenty-four years. Sometimes I feel like I should be near the end of my life, turning eighty, with people patting me on the back. That's what comes from starting so young."

"The lessons she (his mother)taught us were invaluable. Kindness, love, and consideration for other people headed her list. Don't hurt people. Never beg. Never freeload. Those were sins at our house. She always wanted us to give, but she never wanted us to ask or beg. That's the way she is."

"I was so lonely that I used to walk through my neighbourhood hoping I'd run into somebody I could talk to and perhaps become friends with. I wanted to meet people who didn't know who I was. I wanted to run into somebody who would be my friend because they liked me and needed a friend too, not because I was who I am. I wanted to meet anybody in the neighbourhood - the neighbourhood kids, anybody."

"“Man in the Mirror” is a great message. I love that song. If John Lennon was alive, he could really relate to that song because it says that if you want to make the world a better place, you have to work on yourself and change first. It's the same thing Kennedy was talking about when he said, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Start with the man in the mirror. Start with yourself. Don't be looking at all the other things. Start with you."

"I think my image gets distorted in the public's mind. They don't get a clear or full picture of what I'm like, despite the press coverage I mentioned early. Mistruths are printed as fact, in some cases, and frequently only half of a story will be told. The part that doesn't get printed is often the part that would make the printed part less sensational by shedding light on the facts."

on his work attitude and setting goals-

"The problem with TV is that everything must be crammed into a little space of time. You don't have time to perfect anything. Schedules - tight schedules - rule your life. If you're not happy with something, you just forget it and move on to the next routine. I'm a perfectionist by nature. I like things to be the best they can be. I want people to hear or watch something I've done and feel that I've given it everything I've got. I feel I owe an audience that courtesy."

"An artist's imagination is his greatest tool. It can create a mood or feeling that people want to have, as well as transport you to a different place altogether."

"I believe in wishes and in a person's ability to make a wish come true. I really do. Whenever I saw a sunset, I would quietly make my secret wish right before the sun tucked under the western horizon and disappeared. It would seem as if the sun had taken my wish with it. I'd make it right before that last speck of light vanished. And a wish is more than a wish, it's a goal. It's something your conscious and subconscious can help make reality."

"You can't do your best when you're doubting yourself. If you don't believe in yourself, who will? Just doing as well as you did last time is not good enough. I think of it as the “Try to get what you can” mentality. It doesn't require you to stretch, to grow. I don't believe in that."

"To me true bravery is settling differences without a fight and having the wisdom to make that solution possible."

"In the end, the most important thing is to be true to yourself and those you love and work hard. I mean, work like there's no tomorrow. Train. Strive. I mean, really train and cultivate your talent to the highest degree. Be the best at what you do. Get to know more about your field than anybody alive. Use the tools of your trade, if it's books or a floor to dance on or a body of water to swim in. Whatever it is, it's yours."

"I can't answer whether or not I like being famous, but I do love achieving goals. I love not only reaching a mark I've set for myself but exceeding it. Doing more than I thought I could, that's a great feeling. There's nothing like it. I think it's so important to set goals for yourself. It gives you an idea of where you want to go and how you want to get there. If you don't aim for something, you'll never know whether you could have hit the mark."

on his love for children-

"I was truly inspired by the kids on that tour, kids of all ethnic groups and ages. It's been my dream since I was a child to somehow unite people of the world through
love and music. I still get goose bumps when I hear the Beatles sing “All You Need Is Love.” I've always wished that song could be an anthem for the world."

"There are so many things all around us to be thankful for. Wasn't it Robert Frost who wrote about the world a person can see in a leaf? I think that's true. That's what I love about being with kids. They notice everything. They aren't jaded. They get excited by things we've forgotten to get excited about any more. They are so natural too, so unself-conscious. I love being around them. There always seems to be a bunch of kids over at the house and they're always welcome. They energise me - just being around them. They look at everything with such fresh eyes, such open minds. That's part of what makes kids so creative. They don't worry about the rules. The picture doesn't have to be in the centre of the piece of paper. The sky doesn't have to be blue. They are accepting people too. The only demand they make is to be treated fairly - and to be loved. I think that's what we all want."

"I spend a lot of free time - in California and when I'm travelling - visiting children's hospitals. It makes me so happy to be able to brighten those kids' day by just showing up and talking with them, listening to what they have to say and making them feel better. It's so sad for children to have to get sick. More than anyone else, kids don't deserve that. They often can't even understand what's wrong with them. It makes my heart twist. When I'm with them, I just want to hug them and make it all better for them."

my new role model in life- michael jackson

haha i think my friends are gonna find be obsessed with mj..i admit i am a little now! by what a wonderful person he was..i admit i only truly started to find out more about his character after his death..earlier on i was only a fan of his talent, his songs..and was neutral to all those ridiculous newspaper reports about him being a paedophile and weirdo..but now, after realising what a beautiful heart he had, i feel so angered by them!! and i'm also a fan of his character and hope to emulate all the wonderful values he possessed consistently throughout his life..

i know most of my friends don't really think well of him..think he's weird, showy, arrogant..and i feel somewhat helpless by it..i really wished i had the ability to convince everyone he is NOT like that at all..but i don't think others would really like to hear much about him, so i decided to blog about it instead.

i know how easy it is to simply believe wad's written in the papers, about him being a paedophile, being gay, losing his sense of identity by becoming white (but he really does have a skin disorder), and to sum it all up, weird. i admit that in the past, while i believed the lawsuits were really a result of greedy ppl who wanted to take advantage of him, i never felt personally against it, because i didn't know the kind of person mj was..but after watching many many of his past interviews and how much he tried to help sick and poor children all over the world (haha i really waste a lot of time everyday watching his vids!), thinking he would ever harm anyone is just ridiculous! and this is based on my own rational judgment of a person's character. i wish i could convinvce everyone to just spend some time to watch his interviews to judge for yourselves what kind of person he was..

but anyway, i wanted to write about how he's become my role model in life..he simply possesses so many values which the world hardly knew about because of all the nonsense, negative press..and the following are some of his values and character traits i hope to emulate in my life too:

1. humility- no matter how much he achieved in life, he would always remind himself that he 'hadn't done it all'..that is why he said he would never place any trophies, awards, or gold records in his house..so that he'll always keep trying in life, instead of sitting back and busking in his own glory (which he easily could at a young age already)..and in every interview which questioned where he got his talent from, he would ALWAYS credit God, and that he's simply an instrument of nature through which God wanted to share his music with others..

2. kind & generous- the media chose not to publicize this just cos it's not sensational..mj is actually in the guiness world records for donating the most money to childrens' charities..and from the beginning, he was always consistent in his belief about how the world should be more like children, for their innocence and purity..he was also brought up to believe he should be like a child and he always quoted Jesus for asking us to be like children..and which other artiste would actually bother to write songs about the world as he did? 'heal the world', 'earth song' and 'we are the world' are such beautiful songs written by mj reminding us to love and care for one another..a message he has always advocated ever since he could think for himself..and when the tsunami struck in 2004, he banded his brothers and other artistes in singing a song 'what can we give' to raise funds for the victims..i just felt so awed by his genuine love and compassion to help others..that despite all the hardship the media gave him, he never lost this passion and desire to give what he could to those in need..

3. forgiving- he was always mild-tempered..i cannot actually imagine him raising that gentle voice of his at anyone! and how many people, not to say celebrities, can even maintain that respectful and humble demeanour? you would never witness him badmouthing another, and despite all the lies that were made against him, he always forgave..

4. innocent- his heart was so pure, he was so naive in wanting to help others, and i guess this is the cause of his downfall..he generously invited sick children to his neverland home to make them happy, and these people started turning against him by suing him for child molest..i can't imagine how hurtful it must have been for him, using his greatest love in life, children, against him..i think this world was not meant for someone as innocent and pure as him..and i guess i can't really be innocent like him too, even though it'd be nice if everyone was..

5. polite- despite his stature, he was never rude or disrespectful to anyone..always saying 'please', 'thank you' etc. and simply regarding others with respect..i guess this is also a result of his humble nature..

6. dedication- i think almost everyone knows how he's a perfectionist in his work..this sound engineer who worked with him on most of his albums said mj would always make sure he stayed up the night before to memorize all the lyrics of all his songs, whether it was written by him and others..he was really one to put in his all in all his work, even if it was very tiring!

7.talent!! hahaha this is something i'll never be able to emulate..and this is wad makes all his above qualities all the more outstanding..some people would be boasting about just the slightest achievement they had, and given his out-of-this-world talent in creating, singing and dancing, its just impossibly rare for anyone to be as humble, loving, polite, kind and sweet as he was! call me obsessed, but he really seems like an angel sent from God..even his voice is so beautiful!

he's also a very intelligent person..in the way he expresses his thoughts so eloquently, and how he always listens very well and answers interview questions to the point..

i decided to post some of his videos which i feel reflect his character here:




i'm glad that this reporter is a good, nice man..not like those heartless reporters who just write nonsense..i appreciate that he's positive about mj and gives him a chance to display his mature thoughts and beautiful heart :)


and this last one, i just found super cute! when diana ross 'caught' him not singing when they were recording 'we are the world'..i think he has such a beautiful and genuine smile :)


and i guess this sums up why he loves children so much; this is a quote by him in one of his interviews-
"Love. Children are loving, they don't gossip, they don't complain, they're just open-hearted. They're ready for you. They don't judge. They don't see things by way of color. They're very child-like. Thats the problem with adults: they lose that child-like quality. And thats the level of inspiration that's so needed and is so important for creating and writing songs and for a sculptor, a poet or a novelist. It's that same kind of innocence, that same level of consciousness, that you create from. And kids have it. I feel it right away from animals and children and nature. Of course."

hehe i wonder how many ppl actually bothered to read thru this lengthy post! but i do hope that more people around the world will not only dispel all the extreme misconceptions they have about him, but also learn to possess all the wonderful traits he did..i really do believe he has one of the most beautiful hearts in the world..

and for those of who are are interested/willing to learn more about him, this is a very good website which showcases the genuine michael jackson in all aspects- from his interviews, music and very importantly, what those who have met him personally have to say about him..

http://www.reflectionsonthedance.com/index.html

thinking of mj..

hmm i dunno why but i still feel very sad over michael jackson's passing..i'm not sad about his leaving in itself, but by how we will never have the opportunity to let him know how admired he was..i went back to watching some of his videos on youtube, of his younger times..and he was sooo sooo adorable! the lively, bright-eyed little mj with that wide smile dancing along as he sang i'll be there, abc, rocking robbin'..and later in his teens when he was so humble, sensitive yet shy in front of the camera when he went on interviews..

what pained me was that he was so normal and even good-looking then..and most of all, possessed a talent few others had, and which he was not arrogant about..i would say he was really attractive and loveable then..and trying to strike a comparison with the eccentric, plastic surgery-intense mj he had morphed into was just too difficult to imagine..he was such a beautiful and super-talented boy; what made him so insecure about himself to want to put himself through all the surgery? and more importantly, if these drastic changes were taking place on the exterior, what was going on inside him? i can already imagine all the emotional struggles he had inside, that the media and cynical others were insensitive to and were quick to attack..

i wish there was someone there in his younger days to reassure him that he was perfect the way he was; and that millions of people loved him not only for his talent, but his beautiful and humble soul..

haha i don't know why i'm writing about him when i'm not one who'd usually write about celebrities, but i guess i really do admire him a lot and i feel rather affected by how he seem to have lost himself along the way..i find it such a great pity..it could be due to his father who took away his childhood and often told him he was ugly..or simply the fame and money that changed him..but one thing i'm glad for is the legacy of wonderful songs he left behind for people all around the world to be touched by and appreciate him for his talent and inner beauty..

much as i like many of his songs, i found this song particularly touching..he mentioned in an interview that this was the most honest song he penned, and its melody and words are really heartfelt..



Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
'No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates and adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?
People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood...

you can also see in this next video what a humble, pure, innocent and beautiful soul he possessed..feeling that he hadn't "done it all" and always credits his talent to God, that he's simply a channel for God to spread music to the world..and it's so adorable how he keeps saying its a beautiful night! and that it's magic, and he starts flinging his hands around to express it! hehe





and in this video, he showcases to the world what a talented performer he is again, even though many years had passed since he first started out..i started thinking about how he channeled all his heart and energy into giving the best performances for his audience, but inside, he was probably a lonely man..he once admitted that he used to cry from loneliness in his younger days..i felt sad cos he gave his whole life to the world, but ended up keeping none for himself..he loved children since he was young, finding them a great source of inspiration, and i guess because they were pure and innocent, just like how he was..yet cynics or greedy people were quick to attack him for being a paedophile..how hurtful that must have been..it was so easy for everyone to label him a weirdo and all other insulting names, but few stopped to picture things from his point of view- how could one man, a human being with feelings and such pure ones at that, withstand all the abuses the outside world was hurling at him? i just wish there was true, healthy souls around him at that time to help him through everything..

but i'm glad he has so many million fans around the world, who respect and admire him like i do..and that he's in a better place now..rest in peace mj..

a path to self-discovery

hmm today was emotionally and mentally rather exhausting for me..first preconditioning myself that things will be fine despite the ominous feeling i got, and then questioning myself, then assuring myself that eventually that path that i'll take will be the right one for me..then feeling really inferior that i didn't deserve to be there, to be assessed together with a group of intelligent and ambitious individuals who seem to be in a league way above me..then suddenly finding peace that this is not what i want. will continue to ponder about what i felt to understand myself better!

met the rspid ex-main comm ytd..after 311 meeting..for just a tiny tiny while! really touched by them..who insisted on finding me even though i wasn't really free to talk much to them initially..made me feel that school is not just about the dreadful projects that i'm going through now..(hmm i usually don't dread school nor find work dreadful cos i always feel this is why i'm going to school in the first place, to learn as i'm put through the rigour of the educational curriculum..but this time i guess i'm just really affected by my less-than-enthusiastic group mates)..we had EXOTIC ICE CREAM! at some shabu place...the half hour or so i spent with them was just sufficient to make my day and make me feel so warm on my solitary bus journey home! :)

the impact of fears on our decisions in life

hehe decided to quote a very well-written entry, in my opinion, by my beloved yk! :) some thoughts that i truly agree with but couldn't have expressed better in words-

"Somehow it feels like as we grow older, we get more and more afraid of living. I don't mean that in a morbid way, (in fact, being more afraid of living necessitates a fear of death because it's the fear of hastening the inevitable that hence makes us afraid to use up our 'living allowance') but rather we (or I, if it's just me) saddle ourselves with more and more fears. It's not a conscious and willing process, yet it's a process that ultimately only we ourselves can prevent and perhaps reverse.

Fear comes from experience, which explains the lack of it when we are young, for we do not know the sense of defeat that comes from failure, the disappointment that results from dashed hopes. And so as we we get older and experience more, while there are both happy and unhappy experiences, more often than not it is the unhappy experiences that imprint themselves in our minds and hearts as a warning, as an instinctive measure of self-protection to shield ourselves from the repeat of such unhappy experiences again.

And so we pile on many different fears that we collect through our years of living - fear of disappointment, of regret, of failure, of rejection, even a fear of pity. Contrary to how happy memories and experiences can float you through a particularly difficult time, your personal collection of fears then determines the depth of the impenetrable pool of water that lies before you when you decide whether or not it's safe to jump in.

It's all in the mind, they say - and yet the fact that all these fears are 'in the mind' makes them all the more harder to eradicate, for they are not something tangible that you can simply take off or remove.

Perhaps the first step to freeing ourselves from the insidious accumulation of these fears is to acknowledge the existence of them. Only when you know that something exists then can you take steps to get rid of it right? Right, so let's start. I admit that my biggest fears include a fear of regret and of disappointment. And these do influence a lot of my decisions and interactions with people. At first sight of impending disappointment (not just my own disappointment, this includes disappointing other people as well) or possible regret, my instinctive response has always been to FASTER SIAM. Not quite the best way of dealing with things I must say, but I guess at least I understand why I sometimes react the way I do.

Hmmm...what are some of your fears and do you know how they affect you in the way you make decisions in life?"


hehe though the 'FASTER SIAM' was totally anti-climax :p i do feel that sometimes my fear of regret does really spur me to do certain things, which sometimes may or may not be desirable ultimately..but i guess i'm still young and my decisions have not been too majorly great to cause any huge detrimental consequences yet anyway..hehe

wheee today marks the end of my 2nd killer week in this sem! though i know i did badly for all 3 quizzes i took..but haha, i somewhat am rather nonchalant already..no more energy and drive! haha..

was quite proud of myself cos i drove home from ntu in the peak hour traffic 2 days ago! hehe..first time i tried going on the expressway at that hour and i made it! still not very confident about changing lanes though...

and i realised why i like planet earth so much already...it's the same reason why i like admiring the sunset, the sky, and nature in general..it's cos it reminds me that there is this whole big big word out there..abundant in life, beauty and happenings that make my life seem so small..such that all my troubles seem insignificant and transient..

i wish i could just take a breakkkk...projects are never ending :(

i miss sinnie!

haha wad a random post but oh wells

yesterday once more

looking back on how it was in years gone by,
and the good times that we had,
makes today seem rather sad
so much has changed.

it's times like this, when even i doubt myself, that i feel so blessed for having the most supportive parents in the world..people who make me feel that i'll never be alone in anything, and there's nothing to be scared of! :( :)

a rare early afternoon back at home!

it's been a long while since i last reached home so early..walking up the slope to my home under the midday sun made me feel like i was back in my nanyang days once again, going home almost immediately after school ended..taking the bus wif sinnie and the rest of the 4/9 girls who stayed along the stretch towards bukit panjang..somehow it made me feel that nothing much had changed since then after all..though at the back of my mind, i'm consciously aware of how much we have grown, the different journeys all of us have taken..and the new prospects of a working life soon to meet all of us! it was indeed a nostalgic moment..hehe

haha and i could only reach home so early because i bravely decided to pon my nus lesson! it was an impromptu decision, triggered by my desire to be able to go home early for once, and also cos of the never-ending projects that are sucking away all my social life :'( i shall make this a productive afternoon and not waste my rare ponning decision! hehe :p

didn't expect yr 3 to be so stressful..but i guess we'll all learn to cope..and it's getting through all these that makes us feel we accomplished so much more in uni, and that's wad gives us all the bittersweet memories to look back on next time :)

jiayou everyone!

my cute jingjingpok!

jing_xiu1234@hotmail.com says:
hahhaah yes of course!
hahaha
or maybe i should sign up for the overseas cip thingg!
you wanna go?
it's to cambodia!
hahaa
anyway
i have a secrett to tell you
i have your birthday present ready
HAHAHAHAH!
hold a true friend with both your hands says:
overseas cip?
jing_xiu1234@hotmail.com says:
i cant wait for your birthday to come
hold a true friend with both your hands says:
OMGGG
ARE U SERIOUS!
u so cute la
omggg
jing_xiu1234@hotmail.com says:
yes hahaha!
hold a true friend with both your hands says:
wad did u get!
WHY U BUY SO EARLY!
jing_xiu1234@hotmail.com says:
of course i wont tell you! but i am so proud of myself
hahaa!
yes overseas cip to cambodiaaaaaaa!
hold a true friend with both your hands says:
heheheheh i feel so touchedddd
sign up wif who?
jing_xiu1234@hotmail.com says:
i cannot resist not telling you


so touched :)
feel so blessed for a friend like that!
it's not so much the present itself but the whole intention of wanting to get me sth so enthusiastically :D thanks jingjing for making me feel so loved!! hehe

almost there! :)

wheee feel so proud of myself i'm nearing the end of my killer period! really hope there're no more such periods ahead -crosses fingers- though i haven't really looked at the deadlines after this yet..

despite all my inefficiencies and slow pace of doing work, i must say this weekend has certainly been productive, having to meet deadlines from every single mod i'm taking this sem..haha good training eh..

and i'm really thankful for a few ppl...weilin, my most unexpected source of help! given that she's graduated and wasn't in any way related to NBS..seeing the stressed signals in my nick, she very kindly offered to help me, when she didn't have to at all..she took the initiative to actually ask her nbs friend (senior) to send her notes for the mods i'm taking so she could send me to help me! and she even went through the trouble of opening the files to screen them and see if they were the ones i needed..and cos i was really busy and there were many individual files, she offered to send me via e-mail, splitting the files into separate e-mails by seminars (cos each seminar had a few files) for ease of my viewing..i was really super super touched..i'm not sure if those notes will really come in handy soon, but imagining myself going through the trouble she went through made me realise how much effort it required! so..THANK YOU WEILINN :) i really really appreciate it..

and for kenemo, who's forever so resourceful and helpful towards me! sending me his research, and even his essay, for me to refer to to do mine!! haha though i feel weird showing my appreciation towards him :p

and zk, who helped me do research for my essay too, and was insistent on my praising of his work! hehe..and for simply always being able to make me feel that everything will be ok no matter how stressed i am..though it usually works only when he's physicaly around haha!

and jingjing pok (who's always trying to practise her psychology skills on me), chujie, diana darling, liowliow, kwa and engsin for their genuine concern and encouragement towards me always!

so blessed!

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KWA!! will post pictures of chujie's and kwa's birthday celebrations soon!

stressedddd :'(

i think i've hardly ever felt as stressed in uni as wad i'm feeling now..never experienced so many deadlines, all cramped together in 2 weeks! the only way it seems that i can cope with it is to complete one project a day! which is impossible, given my slow pace of doing work..somebody help!

i already missed session last week, and i'll have to miss it this week too..sigh :(

a life-changing decision

yesterday, i made wad i can consider to be the biggest decision i've made in my life so far..and probably a life-changing one..

i'm not sure if i made the right decision, but since i made it already, i shan't be swayed when others think otherwise..

whatever it is, i believe the most important thing is to always cherish the present and to try our best to seek happiness in whatever we do :)

i shan't doubt anymore.

i'm officially a final year student now..mentally, i don't even feel that old or mature enough! we have been bombarded by career services emails with a slew of networking sessions available, which just reinforces my fear that i still don't know wad i wanna do in future! however, the many people who have spoken to me have reiterated the importance to find something that suits me, and not go for the most glamorous/high-paying jobs..haha then i will go set up a handicrafts shop already! hehe..

but anyway, i'm somewhat glad to be bugged constantly at the back of my mind to really cherish this last year in uni..i can already imagine all the things i'll miss..mugging with friends, going for lessons together, walking from place to place, eating lunch with my friends, meeting up with rspid peeps, and simply having the flexibility to choose how i wanna spend my time before/after school! next time, i'll be bound by rules of my workplace from 9 to 6, work mondays to fridays, and there'll be no more school holidays!!

i have also attended my first lesson at nus! for the only mod i'm taking there hehe..financial markets..i think the teacher is not bad! her pace is just right for us to absorb what she's saying, and i feel the lessons are gonna be very insightful cos i personally know nuts about the financial markets..so it's quite like a spoon-feeding of information! hehe..i met this super nice and friendly girl outside the classroom cos we were both early, who totally dispelled all my fears of not being able to find a group or friend to sit with..she let me sit beside her and also join their project group! :)

speaking of nus, i so wish enghui was still here! then i'll be able to meet her every wed at least..only managed to speak to her once on msn since she left for sweden, but it seems that the 2 singaporean girls with her are really taking care of her so i'm glad! :) do e-mail us and update your blog okie dear? take more photos of your room, your school and the beautiful scenery there for us to see!! bin and i went to the airport to see her off, and her parents gave us a lift home! feel so bad cos her mum and ahma had to squeeze behind with us! :/ hope my wifey is not feeling too lonely now..since sinnie's bro also flew back to US already..

rspid went to rj ytd for myg sports day! wow they installed so many new things since we left..i think the school's really pretty now, and even more conducive as a place to stay back and study in! they now have mini waterfalls, biodiversity ponds, outdoor basins surrounded by flowers, new pull-up bars, new fancy railings at the amphi, and of cos, air con in classrooms! the students there are so lucky! but i heard about the extravagant school fees they are paying now too haha..everything comes with a price i guess..

somehow, of all the times i've been back to rj since i graduated, yesterday was really the first time i felt so emo by all the nostalgia different parts of the school presented..perhaps it was cos i was muilian's teacher, and constantly lagging behind the rest (with her slow pace of walking) gave me the opportunity to walk pass the different corners of the school at a speed which allowed so many memories to rush back simply to my mind..somehow when sufficient time has passed, i'm only able to recall the pleasant memories..and i could just see myself at a specific spot doing specific things with my friends! from hanging out at yz's exclusive homeroom, playing chapteh wif 3m peeps almost everywhere around school, just eating at the canteen, mugging at the windy area, having PE lessons at the track or indoor sports hall..i've really never felt so nostalgic about rj before..the previous times i came back with my friends, it was filled with playing ball games/chapteh/card games that i never really had the time to stop and recall all my memories within the school..nostalgia is such a bitter-sweet feeling i'm not sure if it makes me feel happy (that i have such memories in the first place) or sad (that these are all just part of the past and i probably will never relive them again)..

i stopped by the odac room...really looks quite different..much neater of course..and no more hamsters...i remember how cute and round our hamsters were! maybe that's the reason they couldn't live long too.. :( there is now a long table in the centre of the room with some pots..looks more spacious now with less items cluttering the floor..sigh i really miss odac..so many corners of the school just reminded me of how we spent time together doing PT, at different parts of the school! be it the track, or walking towards the classroom blocks to climb stairs..i really miss odac batch 21!! gave me so much beautiful memories in my jc days to look back on..

our trainees were adorable as usual ytd..at the end, kokhui amazed us with his repertoire of local songs! belting out song after song so excitedly, even more so after we cheered and clapped for him! looks like muilian is not the only one who enjoys singing so much! hehe..and then muilian and joanne were super self-entertained by 'shooting' others with their 'gun' formed by their fingers..when yawen pretended to fall from their shoot they were SUPER happy la and kept trying to shoot her over and over again! hehe..but anyway, i really think that muilian is facing problems with her right knee..she always complains that it's pain, and from the way she walks down stairs and sits down, it really seems to be painful for her..anyone got any solutions to reduce this joint pain??

on another note, vips is back!! :D goodness i'm gonna see him for 3 consecutive days in a row! met yk & him for dinner on fri, when anyi later joined us and we had a rare htht within the 4 of us..he came to rj to supposedly mug with me ytd after my cca ended but we just kept talking! (what he calls an un-induced htht as compared to fri's haha) in the end i didn't even read a single word of my textbook la (waste edmund's effort for carrying it around for me! haha)..and being the wimp he is, he had to go home at 8pm!! !!! and tonite, we're meeting for dinner again! with a few other 3m peeps...hopefully i'll be productive enough today so i won't feel guilty about not doing anything the entire weekend!

our impromptu dinner at ajisen!

looks like vips never changed..sigh

by the pretty waterfall at the new rj biodiversity pond!!

water lily in the pond :D

hehe my new model in my modelling agency- join the ranks of liowliow tan. mural on one of the 3rd floor walls..

hehe pink lady! :p i asked vips to bring a chapteh along to rj, and he went to buy one!! but its such a lousy chapteh! which chapteh is made of raffia string and can be used as a fringe!! but it was so ex for a chapteh so i was touched he actually got it..

i wanted to blog about the movie, Up, too! i watched it wif binbin, and coincidentally the rspid peeps were 2 rows behind us! :) i really liked the movie..and to me, there is no one part of the movie which is less meaningful than another cos throughout the movie, there was this constant melancholic overtone of how much fred missed his late wife..despite the comedric effects, we are reminded that the whole point of their journey was the old man's desire to fulfill his wife's only wish (or so he presumed) to live near paradise falls..i found it extremely poignant when he kissed her forehead when she was on the hospital bed, and again when he kissed her photo on the wall..like he could be grumpy towards everyone else, but he was always gentle and sweet towards his wife..hehe and i like kevin's babies!!

hehe oh ya i felt quite proud of the present i made for diana darling :) first time i sewed something so 'big' from scratch, and it can actually function! hehe..though i gave her really belatedly :x

jiayou everyone for school! :)

back to being slack!

my no-worries-at-all days are finally here, as anticipated!

my internship finally ended last friday, 'finally' not so much cos i wasn't enjoying it, but more of cos i wanted to just relax and enjoy some personal time before school starts..i guess i will be doing much more reflections when i start on my PA report (hopefully tmr) but on the whole, i guess i really enjoyed it, mostly cos of a really wonderful team..initially i felt only my buddy was really warm and friendly, but after a while, when the rest started opening up to me, everyone was really nice to me! and what i respected most about this internship is that they really trusted me with their daily BAU and i was doing things that they would have had to do if i didn't do them anyway..and i like it cos i like to see purpose in what i am doing..on the not so positive side, made me realise that i may not really want a career that entails such routine work, as much as i thought i would have? i always thought i wouldn't mind doing something routine and simple, as long as it had a purpose to it, just like how i really enjoyed being a patient services clerk at sgh..but i guess the difference is that the latter allowed me to meet and serve different people, such that it didn't really seem that mundane after all...as of now, prob because i've only been at the job for 2 months, i still take on tasks enthusiastically and diligently..but what will i see of my attitude if i've been at it for 5 years? hmm..

i may be going back for lunch with my buddy and two other interns (one still there, one already ended like me) on friday! :)

on to more bimbotic stuff, i soft rebonded my hair! haha omg..it all started at shaoqin's party, when diana, chujie & i were discussing what we should do together the next day..and chujie suggested rebonding! and the 3 of us decided to be part of this life-changing event together!! hehe..so chujie and i rebonded, while diana cut bangs!! still not used to having straight hair..waiting for a few more days to pass so i can tie it up! haha..so glad we all did it together, if not i would never have had the courage to do sth like that!

before!

i think this photo of chujie is so cute! hehe

after! both of them look so pretty!! :) (i look horrendous so i'm not posting my photo here)

and diana lent me her twilight book! i finished it in 2 days! and hopeless me went on to watch the movie online! i guess what draws so many fans (in girls) to the story is how idealistic it is..a super good-looking guy with all the strength, speed and talents (which can make a girl feel more than secure) is nonchalant towards everyone else, but deeply in love with this one girl..sometimes it IS painful to read/watch such stories cos you know it can't happen in real life! and being vampires together seems so perfect cos you can never age and simply be with your loved one forever..

hehe blabbering so much today!

hmm..zk's at hall camp now..he's in hall 6! glad for him cos it's near all the sports facilities so i'm sure he'll enjoy himself..the thought of him at foc makes me feel nostalgic though..the slight awkwardness when first trying to break the ice..the enthusiasm when you see potentially good friends in some ppl..though till now, wad i don't like about such camps is the need to be enthusiastic when you're actually tired, and cheering! i don't like cheering!! haha..but yup hope he finds some good friends inside! jk is with him anyway..quite excited about both of them being roomies since they've been the best of friends since primary school! :) quite excited about seeing quite a few of them coming to nbs, just NEXT WEEK! hehe..zk, jk, sh and anyi! :) can all lunch together hehehe..

went to nus today to get my tutorial slot for the sole module i'm taking there next sem..sometimes i wonder why i still bother to take just one mod! i guess for the experience and also to lessen my workload in sem 2?? haha i dunno! but i just wanted to say thank you to enghui and jingjing..for being really great friends in just accompanying me to the business school to do sth so trivial which does not matter to them at all! esp jingxiu who came all the way from home and went wif me to imm just for me to get some materials tooo..i just felt really glad cos such friends are so rare..friends who don't mind travelling distances with you while you run some errands, just so to spend more time with ya..riends who don't make me feel bad and keep wanting to apologize for wasting their time cos we're so comfortable with each other..such friends are really far and few and i must cherish them! :)

some random photos!

hehe supposed to be doing my case study slides now but been procrastinating like crazy sigh! shall upload some photos from random events here!

pretty sight just outside capital tower that meets my eyes every night when i leave work!

celebrating my passing of my driving test + our procrastinated anniversary dinner! hehe

rspid main comm dinner the day before peipei left..i think all of us felt the same way, that the dinner was such a sweet and enjoyable one..maybe it was the ambience, maybe it provided kind of a closure to our term esp after proj id, or maybe we really all became closer..that we're no longer just comm members, but true, close friends :) really love ya guys!

hehe look at my silly friends! :p

my peipei, popular as always, had an entourage of ppl to see her off at the airport! hope you're enjoying urself in PISA now! don't be homesick okie u must make the most of your experience there..we're all missing ya hereeeee

really really touched for these 2 groups of friends who came down for project id and subjected themselves to the walkathon! hehe..it must have sounded dubious to you guys when i first asked you, and what i'm touched about is that you all came down really just to support your friend, without really questioning what the activity was about..THANK YOU enghui, yz, yk, shifu, ken, kezia, zq & kelvin :) so happy to see you all that day! also hope you guys learnt sth more about the intellectually disabled!

wei's 21st!! the BERRIESSS! think everyone must have found us very childish to think of such nicknames in uni!! hope you enjoyed your party ytd girl..and i really meant it when i said you looked like an angel last nite :) so white, happy, radiant and sweet :)

at dover mrt before going for curl..i liked the morning sunlight streaming through the glass! hehe..look at ur double chin dear! u're getting fat!! muahahaha! 5 more daysss! :D

project IDentity 2009 :)

project id's finally over!! i'm actually too tired now to really write all that i wanna say..will continue another day..

just wanted to say that i feel really really blessed, for everything :)

here're some photos first! (courtesy of uncle palm! hehe)

RSPID family photo :)

banner with well-wishes from the public & fellow volunteers!

my beloved commiesss (salome disappeared!!)

thank you everyone :) do feel a little tempted not to go for work tmr sighhh