thinking of mj..

hmm i dunno why but i still feel very sad over michael jackson's passing..i'm not sad about his leaving in itself, but by how we will never have the opportunity to let him know how admired he was..i went back to watching some of his videos on youtube, of his younger times..and he was sooo sooo adorable! the lively, bright-eyed little mj with that wide smile dancing along as he sang i'll be there, abc, rocking robbin'..and later in his teens when he was so humble, sensitive yet shy in front of the camera when he went on interviews..

what pained me was that he was so normal and even good-looking then..and most of all, possessed a talent few others had, and which he was not arrogant about..i would say he was really attractive and loveable then..and trying to strike a comparison with the eccentric, plastic surgery-intense mj he had morphed into was just too difficult to imagine..he was such a beautiful and super-talented boy; what made him so insecure about himself to want to put himself through all the surgery? and more importantly, if these drastic changes were taking place on the exterior, what was going on inside him? i can already imagine all the emotional struggles he had inside, that the media and cynical others were insensitive to and were quick to attack..

i wish there was someone there in his younger days to reassure him that he was perfect the way he was; and that millions of people loved him not only for his talent, but his beautiful and humble soul..

haha i don't know why i'm writing about him when i'm not one who'd usually write about celebrities, but i guess i really do admire him a lot and i feel rather affected by how he seem to have lost himself along the way..i find it such a great pity..it could be due to his father who took away his childhood and often told him he was ugly..or simply the fame and money that changed him..but one thing i'm glad for is the legacy of wonderful songs he left behind for people all around the world to be touched by and appreciate him for his talent and inner beauty..

much as i like many of his songs, i found this song particularly touching..he mentioned in an interview that this was the most honest song he penned, and its melody and words are really heartfelt..



Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
'No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates and adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?
People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had

Have you seen my Childhood...

you can also see in this next video what a humble, pure, innocent and beautiful soul he possessed..feeling that he hadn't "done it all" and always credits his talent to God, that he's simply a channel for God to spread music to the world..and it's so adorable how he keeps saying its a beautiful night! and that it's magic, and he starts flinging his hands around to express it! hehe





and in this video, he showcases to the world what a talented performer he is again, even though many years had passed since he first started out..i started thinking about how he channeled all his heart and energy into giving the best performances for his audience, but inside, he was probably a lonely man..he once admitted that he used to cry from loneliness in his younger days..i felt sad cos he gave his whole life to the world, but ended up keeping none for himself..he loved children since he was young, finding them a great source of inspiration, and i guess because they were pure and innocent, just like how he was..yet cynics or greedy people were quick to attack him for being a paedophile..how hurtful that must have been..it was so easy for everyone to label him a weirdo and all other insulting names, but few stopped to picture things from his point of view- how could one man, a human being with feelings and such pure ones at that, withstand all the abuses the outside world was hurling at him? i just wish there was true, healthy souls around him at that time to help him through everything..

but i'm glad he has so many million fans around the world, who respect and admire him like i do..and that he's in a better place now..rest in peace mj..