reflections on 2009

since boring and no-life me is nua-ing at home on new year's eve unlike my more happening friends, it seems a good time to blog about the year which has just passed and of my 21st birthday..

i'll blog about the latter first..i made the decision not to celebrate my birthday, mainly out of laziness to plan and also the fear of feeling paiseh when i have troubled many people to gather cos of me..and worse still, them feeling bored if i'm a lousy host, which i know i am!

i was very touched, however, by some of my friends who decided to give me surprise celebrations anyway..i felt as if i mattered to them because they bothered to take the trouble to do something for me and try and make me feel special..

first it was kez, wei, prissy and van..it was just supposed to be a normal uni-girls dinner (very early on the 23rd)..they were so cute in trying to hide the surprise!! first kez was behaving all secretive on the phone with wei when we were in kino cos they were trying to get a bday card for me without me knowing, then prissy arrived with a cute litte breadtalk box..which later revealed a cute and petite santa kisses cake! and kez managed to fish out a havaianas box from her bag which she had been hiding all along! i was so amused..even though they had not enough time and were all writing my card IN FRONT of me, i was still very touched..by their intention to even celebrate it for me..thanks ken and adel for sharing in the present too! and they say there's part 2 of the present which they haven't gotten, but really, i don't need anything else..i'm thankful enough already :)

then it was rspid peeps..the always-so-sweet-and-thoughtful gang..i went for v camp from 27th to 29th..and on 28th night after project id sharing, they started to switch off the lights, when xx brought up the cake from downstairs..and everyone started singing..i felt super paiseh and always don't really know how to react in such situations..but i tried to act brave anyway! i didn't really dare look at the crowd in the eye, but i spotted diana's and peipei's wide grins and felt warm and fuzzy inside :) thanks yaoyao for getting the cake..

then later while we were cycling and it reached 12, those in my group started singing a bday song for me (again!)..i guess it would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience..to hear a birthday song while cycling! hehe..luckily it was in the dark so i could hide my paisehness..

then the smses started coming in..and jingjingpok was the cutest!! only when i reached home did i realise she was trying to find all means to wish me!! she was the first to call me at 12am sharp to wish me (and endanger my cycling :p), then she sent an sms..and when i reached home i saw that she had left an offline msg on msn and posted a msg on my wall on facebook! and when i laughed at her later she said she forgot the last channel- email!! so silly la she..but i'm really glad for a friend like her..one whom i know will put me before herself..i feel it's really rare to find friends like these..to be honest i can only think of one other friend who would do the same..

on the 29th itself, after a restful sleep when i reached home from the camp (thanks kokwei for the lift!) i went out of dinner with my parents and zk..at the soup restaurant at vivocity..when i reached home my mummy was at home..there was a birthday card on the table for me..mummy wrote a touching message inside for me-

"To our dearest Darling Deborah,

You're the best gift we've ever got and you've made us very happy and proud as your parents. Congratulations on reaching adulthood but you'll always be our precious little girl!

Lots of love,

Mummy & Daddy"

i went to hug my mummy and told her i loved her, to which she replied the same..it's sad how as i grow older, it seems not-awkward to hug my mummy and tell her i love her only on special occasions like these..to think i used to do that to my parents that every single day back in primary school i didn't know if i'd ever stop doing that..

then it was time to watch avatar with zk! we had free gold class tix which we used for a good movie of the same standard..the seats were super comfy..we could raise the leg raise and recline the back such that we could actually lie 180 degrees..but i wouldn't think $28 per ticket otherwise is worth the experience..

anyway, the very thoughtful but cannot-keep-secrets-for-nuts diana revealed to me that she got vouchers on behalf of the comm and that i'll have to go shopping with peipei and her to get a bag! hehe so nonsense lor she i just had to probe a bit over the phone and she told me everything! :p

i also wanna thank edmund for getting me this very unique handicraft kit, so suitable for someone like me who enjoys making handmade stuff!! and kokwei for getting me a biography on michael jackson..its partly about how those ruthless people subjected him to extortion..and hmm even though i already noe the gist, it's a little painful to read the details..i don't really like to know about how ppl mistreated him! and xiuxia for thinking of getting flowers for muilian to pass to me at the end of our christmas celebration session..really sweet and thoughtful of ya girl..bingyao was in-charge of getting the flowers and he told me about the story about how he anyhow chose the flowers cos he didn't know wad i like! hehe

but my birthday also made me sad about something else..won't say what it is here, but i hope it's just me thinking too much..but growing older has also made me feel being hopeful and also having that childlike wilfulness will never retain a friendship if the other party allows it to slip away..so i won't force things anymore..for an emotional person like me, nonchalance, i guess, is the best form of self-protection, from potential hurt and disappointment..

***

so much about my 21st..i'm so old now!

of 2009..now that i've gotten through it, looking back always make things seem smooth-sailing, no matter all the emotional turbulences i've felt along the way..

i've moved on from being a second-year student to a third-year student..it's so cliche to say this, but i really hate how time flies..i don't wanna graduate! made some truly wonderful friends, however little they may be..who made uni so much more missable in the future..

since it seems almost customary to make resolutions for the new year..i shall make them! i don't have specific tasks to complete, but my main resolution is to be a better person..honestly in the past, like back in secondary school, when i was asked to think of personal flaws, it was really difficult to think of a substantial one, other than not being appreciative enough of my parents..but now, i'm so ashamed that so many flaws simply developed along the way..i don't know if it's due to my growing older and being cynical..but if michael jackson could retain his beautiful heart and values all his life, then why can't i?

to me my greatest flaw now is my being calculative..i really never used to be like that! i'm starting to hate this person i'm becoming..calculative in terms of expecting things of my friends, of zk..and getting upset when they can't meet those standards..which lowers my willingness of how much to give to these relationships in future..it seems as though i need to be convinced now of how much the other party is willing to put into the relationship before i decide how much to give? it's a selfish way of thinking, a means to protect my calculative self..in the past i would just give wholeheartedly to my friendships..be it making handmade stuff for my friends or asking to meet up etc..now i'll only be inclined to make things for ppl whom i know will appreciate it or have proven to me that they care very much about their friendship with me..i just can't seem to accept one-sided giving anymore?

i don't wanna be so selfish..i want to be more gracious, less calculative, more forgiving..i want to be a better daughter..i want to stop getting annoyed when my daddy asks too many questions about the trivial things in my life..i am consciously aware that he is asking about my life because he truly loves me and cares about me..but sometimes i really don't like it when he asks how my friends in uni are doing and stuff cos i don't like him to compare me with others..but i always feel very guilty after i am rude because he doesn't deserve my rudeness at all..more and more i can feel how much my parents love me..their lives seem to revolve around me..sometimes i wish they didn't do so much for me, cos it's so much more difficult to repay them in future..and yes, this is another flaw of mine..i keep assuring myself that i can always 'make amends' for my lack of display of appreciation for my parents by earning money to give them a good life in future..but why must it only be in the future? why can't it start now? why can't i make them feel loved right now?

i think i've mentioned this before, but i always feel the need to put up a strong and brave front in front of my parents..if i cry cos of anything, i will never let them see it..even if i'm affected by a friendship problem..i won't let them know i'm affected..i may tell them about that friend, but i'll never show i'm sad or disappointed..and maybe cos of this i find it difficult to simply go up to them and hug them and tell them i love you, or show my appreciation so openly because i must act strong? i know it doesn't seem rational here haha..

in short, i want to be a better daughter, friend and girlfriend..i want those who matter to me to feel happier because i am in their lives..i don't want to end the year regretting the person that i was or not liking who i am..i think the most important thing is to be able to face up to yourself..if i were a separate person, will i be someone i would like as a friend?

happy 2010, everyone! :)

forgiveness

"forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past" -Anne Lamott

i dunno why, but this quote really struck me and resonated in me..i rarely chance upon quotes which allow me to understand myself better but this one really did..think it must have been fate that i saw it!

i was in this bookstore (think it's called page one or sth) in vivo and started flipping those self-help books..and this book was about being happy..and in this section about forgiveness the author quoted this quote above! and immediately it got to me..because i've always tried to tell myself to forgive, to make it less tiring for myself cos staying angry is tiring and to make it less agonizing for the other party..but somehow i don't practise what i preach to myself!

most of my arguments with zk revolve around this..sometimes i get upset when he's too busy to find me..and i'm upset by thinking of the wonderful moments i would have experienced should we have spent that time otherwise together, in other words, 'a better past'..

and so this quote really expressed my behavior and emotions succintly in a few words! and by understanding my motivations for or barriers to forgiveness better, i guess it is easier to forgive when you understand the root cause of your being upset better..

and since christmas is about love, while michael jackson was the greatest embodiment of forgiveness, my new year resolution will be to be more forgiving and less calculative! :)

and i changed mj's music away..i think it's still quite painful for me to hear him singing..and i still hope more of my friends will bother to find out more about him and understand why i'm so obsessed over him! haha..

this new song is an instrumental version of 'we all fall in love sometimes' by kevin kern..sounds melancholic i know..but i like these kinda songs! hehe

a christmas post

haha omgg i was clearing my thumb drive and found this essay i wrote for English class back in Sec 4..it's really really cheesy, but since it's the Christmas season now, i felt it was such an apt moment to chance upon it! hehe..forgive me if some parts make you cringe but i just decided to paste it in my blog for fun! in the mood of christmas joy! we were given the title 'Around the Corner' and we could spin any story we'd liked..so..here goes!

***

Around the Corner

Christmas was just around the corner. Streets were bustling with activity, with people streaming in and out of shopping centres, with a deadweight of shopping bags tugging their arms down. Christmas shopping was unavoidable, where this season of giving and sharing was one that everyone looked forward to. Exchanging gifts had always been a sweet and heart-warming gesture that never failed to lift one’s spirits up in such a joyous occasion.

But what really lies under such a pretty façade- one of colourful lights, catchy jingles, melodious carols, assorted chocolates and beautifully-wrapped gifts?

It was indeed a strange year. Every year, occupied in his office strewn with colourfully yet sweetly decorated envelopes, with his hands flipping letters open one after another, with his eyes scanning across paragraphs of handwriting (sometimes scrawl), would be good old Santa in his cosy red armchair. It was difficult to even take a deep breath in between letters; it was a race against time, or else at the expense of the happiness of Christmas. After all, Christmas was just around the corner. There was no time to waste.

Now he found it weird.

With his spectacles not deliberately left to slide down the bridge of his nose, Santa could see clearly the different shades of his pale brown carpet, and the resistant coffee stain he once tried so hard to remove. The emptiness of it all was beginning to dawn upon him, as he tried so hard to dismiss all negative thoughts about Christmas that worried him.

Where had all the letters gone?

Christmas was just around the corner; Santa could not afford to be idling around!

Still, comfortably under the frigid roofs of many houses, children were penning down their last-minute Christmas wishes. Now adults had also been swirled into the whirlpool of Christmas fantasy; everyone was writing letters to Santa, hoping to take advantage of Santa’s write-and-you’ll-get-it policy. Following which, they would take a stroll to the end of Candy Street, and just around the corner, would be Santa’s very own post box. The norm would be to simply slot your Christmas letter into the gold-lined slit, where your letter will then swirl through several metres underground, right into Santa’s office.

But this was not how it seemed to be now. Letters were strewn and forming messy stacks around the post box, yet people were still inconsiderately just trying to thrust their letters into a considerably stubborn opening, just to get their wishes across to Santa.

Santa’s elf had secretly witnessed all these from around the corner, and felt disappointed but also a wave of relief surging through him on his solving of the “mystery of the lost letters”. Santa and his elves had succumbed to their overwhelming anxiety about the letters and fell prey to many sleepless nights; the worry inside them was increasingly penetrating as Christmas drew nearer day by day. How were they to deliver the presents when they were not even sure about the Christmas List? Now that the truth had come to light, everyone heaved an immense sigh of relief. Greed was indeed the cause of the problem. So this was what happened-

People’s wishes were getting too materialistic; they were asking for things they did not need. People had many wishes each, but there were only few who really held on to the true spirit of Christmas- love. So, to teach them all a silent lesson, Santa’s post box automatically shut its opening when it realized what monetary desires the people harboured. Seeing the mayhem of letters, the people continued to contribute to the untidiness of it all. Did they still not understand the true spirit of Christmas?

The fact that Christmas was around the corner meant to instil in everyone a greater sense of appreciation for one another, to seek tranquillity and joy amidst the fun and laughter, and lastly to prepare everyone for the day of giving and sharing. Above all, love was one of the key flavours to Christmas sweetness. Yet, people made unethical use of Christmas being around the corner, of Santa’s post box just being round the corner, to satisfy their materialistic desires, to want for themselves only. How could Santa allow them to fall deeper into the trap of humanistic avarice?

On the eve of Christmas, those who had attempted forcing envelopes into Santa’s post box seemed to have gotten a reply from Santa. One by one, the letter boxes were opened, and to the people’s utmost horror, they found their own letters to Santa back in their hands. However, in each and every envelope, was also Santa’s message:

‘Hohoho! Merry Christmas to one and all! Please do not be appalled upon receiving this. I am truly sorry to be the most unexpected wet blanket, but I think it is time all of you should close your eyes, cleanse your minds of worldly desires, then look around and see only what is essential. I apologize for the absence of presents addressed by me, kids (and adults).

Go, go, immerse yourselves in the true Christmas warmth, and believe me, you’ll find happiness that no present can offer!

With much love (yet regret),
Santa’

Sometimes, Santa could be such a killjoy, but his letter seemed to have sprinkled some magical dust on the people’s minds. ‘Home’ was the only destination in the minds of those who were enlightened.

On Christmas day, under the frigid roofs, the houses glowed with the warmth of love, with every appreciative hug between two who cherished each other. Around the corner, a clacking sound could be heard coming from Santa’s post box too.

Santa was never wrong; the true spirit of Christmas was indeed just around the corner.

***

omg haha the ending is super slipshod and CHEESY..i can't stand the part about Santa's letter! i think it's so naive and idealistic to expect people to suddenly be enlightened by a few words from Santa haha..but oh well..that was how naive i was back in Sec 4!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! :D

shuffling between desperation and nonchalance
a preoccupied journey
serene and tranquil
pyramidol shapes ebbing to and fro
warm, balmy air
goosebumps from the confluence of the scorching heat and occasional breeze
a sketch of a bobbing boat on a namecard
a brave promise

i miss...

exams are over! and i instinctively went back to watching mj's videos on youtube..though sometimes i try to stop myself from watching cos i'll start to feel sad all over again..

but anyway, the below are the links to three videos i really hope everyone can watch..they're basically from the interview he had with oprah winfrey back in 1993 i think (and again, i soo respect how he stuck soooo strongly to his wonderful values since then and displayed the exact same thoughts in his 2005 interview! how many ppl can stand true so consistently to their values like this?)

now that exams are over and you're free, don't dismiss him before trying to know him! he's really one amazing person..and i don't usually get awed by one person to such an extent like that..as you'll see in the 2nd video below, what his good friend, elizabeth taylor, says about him simply sums it all up- 'he's a good man'

i hope he can become a role model to many other people too :)

hmm the video had their embedding function disabled so i can only attach the links here! really hope everyone will go watch :)

1. Interview Part 3- this part brings up all those crazy rumours in the press & i hope it helps dispels all those serious misconceptions others have of him..made me realise how easy it is to believe what is written in the papers..and like wad mj said, if it's repeated enough, people start to believe it..and i was guilty of not displaying mature discretion..i did not even think then that everything could be easily made up by the press..and again, mj was so wise in saying, 'never judge a person unless you've got the chance to talk to him one-on-one'..it also taught me not to be so judgmental..

2. Interview Part 4- this is when elizabeth taylor appears and so accurately describes the person he truly is..i fee glad by how she understands him so much and seeks to let the world know it :) and on a sidenote, see how humble and gentlemanly he is when he gives up his seat for her!

3. Interview Part 5- here you can see again how much he genuinely loves children and cares for the sick..and how he is super super talented..he could simply give an impromptu dance/moonwalk and singing/beatbox performance..only true talents can do sth so impressive out of NOTHING!!

colours of the sky :)

can you all see the pretty double rainbow above?? :D

i went to peer out of the window in hope of seeing my pink clouds again, and was DELIGHTED to see not one, but TWO rainbows donning the sky! i immediately ran into my room to get my camera, cos i knew rainbows vanish very quickly..which makes the sighting of them even more precious and special :)

zk was leaving my house for his home then and i was feeling a little down, but seeing these 2 rainbows just made my day! hehe

i hope it signifies a wonderful post-exam day tmr for everyone! :D

i can't wait for exams to over so i can go admire and take photos of the sunset..

i realised there is only this extremely short span of around 3 min when the clouds at my house area wil turn pink from the setting sun each day..each time i witness such a moment, i'll whip out my camera and just manage to capture 1 or 2 shots before the clouds resume to being white again..

today, on my way home from ntu, i saw an extremely special sky! not only were the clouds glowing golden from the setting sun, there was this dense, fluffy build up of clouds AND the moon strategically placed just a metre (from my perspective) beside them! ahh..i so wish i could capture that moment on my camera!

but i was driving (with my daddy beside me of cos) and i could hardly stare at the sky long enough without steering off-course! till my daddy told me that when i checked the side mirror i still gotta focus on the road ahead..i didn't dare say it was cos i was trying to look at the sky!

had wanted to go for session last sat cos i had a rather long break till my next paper..but kinda fell sick :( (strong me got well by the next day though! hehe) guess i'll start resume going for sessions this sat only! exams end on fri!

and last week i went with mummy to get some groceries cos she was cooking dinner..she was planning to prepare western food..and she called my daddy to asked what type of meat he preferred..and this was how the conversation went:

mummy (to my daddy): so you prefer lamb or beef? don't talk nonsense la quick
-puts down phone-
me: haha what did daddy say? why you ask him not to talk nonsense?
mummy: aiya your daddy la, said 'so good ar, tonight cook western ar'..and purposely said it loud loud for his colleagues to hear..
me: hahaha how come?
mummy: you know your daddy la, sometimes he's like this one, want to show off..

hahaha i just found it very cute and funny! :)