hmm i dunno why but i still feel very sad over michael jackson's passing..i'm not sad about his leaving in itself, but by how we will never have the opportunity to let him know how admired he was..i went back to watching some of his videos on youtube, of his younger times..and he was sooo sooo adorable! the lively, bright-eyed little mj with that wide smile dancing along as he sang i'll be there, abc, rocking robbin'..and later in his teens when he was so humble, sensitive yet shy in front of the camera when he went on interviews..
what pained me was that he was so normal and even good-looking then..and most of all, possessed a talent few others had, and which he was not arrogant about..i would say he was really attractive and loveable then..and trying to strike a comparison with the eccentric, plastic surgery-intense mj he had morphed into was just too difficult to imagine..he was such a beautiful and super-talented boy; what made him so insecure about himself to want to put himself through all the surgery? and more importantly, if these drastic changes were taking place on the exterior, what was going on inside him? i can already imagine all the emotional struggles he had inside, that the media and cynical others were insensitive to and were quick to attack..
i wish there was someone there in his younger days to reassure him that he was perfect the way he was; and that millions of people loved him not only for his talent, but his beautiful and humble soul..
haha i don't know why i'm writing about him when i'm not one who'd usually write about celebrities, but i guess i really do admire him a lot and i feel rather affected by how he seem to have lost himself along the way..i find it such a great pity..it could be due to his father who took away his childhood and often told him he was ugly..or simply the fame and money that changed him..but one thing i'm glad for is the legacy of wonderful songs he left behind for people all around the world to be touched by and appreciate him for his talent and inner beauty..
much as i like many of his songs, i found this song particularly touching..he mentioned in an interview that this was the most honest song he penned, and its melody and words are really heartfelt..
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
'No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...
People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I've never known...
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates and adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?
People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,
For the Childhood I've never known...
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I've had
Have you seen my Childhood...
you can also see in this next video what a humble, pure, innocent and beautiful soul he possessed..feeling that he hadn't "done it all" and always credits his talent to God, that he's simply a channel for God to spread music to the world..and it's so adorable how he keeps saying its a beautiful night! and that it's magic, and he starts flinging his hands around to express it! hehe
and in this video, he showcases to the world what a talented performer he is again, even though many years had passed since he first started out..i started thinking about how he channeled all his heart and energy into giving the best performances for his audience, but inside, he was probably a lonely man..he once admitted that he used to cry from loneliness in his younger days..i felt sad cos he gave his whole life to the world, but ended up keeping none for himself..he loved children since he was young, finding them a great source of inspiration, and i guess because they were pure and innocent, just like how he was..yet cynics or greedy people were quick to attack him for being a paedophile..how hurtful that must have been..it was so easy for everyone to label him a weirdo and all other insulting names, but few stopped to picture things from his point of view- how could one man, a human being with feelings and such pure ones at that, withstand all the abuses the outside world was hurling at him? i just wish there was true, healthy souls around him at that time to help him through everything..
but i'm glad he has so many million fans around the world, who respect and admire him like i do..and that he's in a better place now..rest in peace mj..
Wednesday 28 October 2009
Tuesday 20 October 2009
a path to self-discovery
hmm today was emotionally and mentally rather exhausting for me..first preconditioning myself that things will be fine despite the ominous feeling i got, and then questioning myself, then assuring myself that eventually that path that i'll take will be the right one for me..then feeling really inferior that i didn't deserve to be there, to be assessed together with a group of intelligent and ambitious individuals who seem to be in a league way above me..then suddenly finding peace that this is not what i want. will continue to ponder about what i felt to understand myself better!
met the rspid ex-main comm ytd..after 311 meeting..for just a tiny tiny while! really touched by them..who insisted on finding me even though i wasn't really free to talk much to them initially..made me feel that school is not just about the dreadful projects that i'm going through now..(hmm i usually don't dread school nor find work dreadful cos i always feel this is why i'm going to school in the first place, to learn as i'm put through the rigour of the educational curriculum..but this time i guess i'm just really affected by my less-than-enthusiastic group mates)..we had EXOTIC ICE CREAM! at some shabu place...the half hour or so i spent with them was just sufficient to make my day and make me feel so warm on my solitary bus journey home! :)
met the rspid ex-main comm ytd..after 311 meeting..for just a tiny tiny while! really touched by them..who insisted on finding me even though i wasn't really free to talk much to them initially..made me feel that school is not just about the dreadful projects that i'm going through now..(hmm i usually don't dread school nor find work dreadful cos i always feel this is why i'm going to school in the first place, to learn as i'm put through the rigour of the educational curriculum..but this time i guess i'm just really affected by my less-than-enthusiastic group mates)..we had EXOTIC ICE CREAM! at some shabu place...the half hour or so i spent with them was just sufficient to make my day and make me feel so warm on my solitary bus journey home! :)
Saturday 17 October 2009
the impact of fears on our decisions in life
hehe decided to quote a very well-written entry, in my opinion, by my beloved yk! :) some thoughts that i truly agree with but couldn't have expressed better in words-
"Somehow it feels like as we grow older, we get more and more afraid of living. I don't mean that in a morbid way, (in fact, being more afraid of living necessitates a fear of death because it's the fear of hastening the inevitable that hence makes us afraid to use up our 'living allowance') but rather we (or I, if it's just me) saddle ourselves with more and more fears. It's not a conscious and willing process, yet it's a process that ultimately only we ourselves can prevent and perhaps reverse.
Fear comes from experience, which explains the lack of it when we are young, for we do not know the sense of defeat that comes from failure, the disappointment that results from dashed hopes. And so as we we get older and experience more, while there are both happy and unhappy experiences, more often than not it is the unhappy experiences that imprint themselves in our minds and hearts as a warning, as an instinctive measure of self-protection to shield ourselves from the repeat of such unhappy experiences again.
And so we pile on many different fears that we collect through our years of living - fear of disappointment, of regret, of failure, of rejection, even a fear of pity. Contrary to how happy memories and experiences can float you through a particularly difficult time, your personal collection of fears then determines the depth of the impenetrable pool of water that lies before you when you decide whether or not it's safe to jump in.
It's all in the mind, they say - and yet the fact that all these fears are 'in the mind' makes them all the more harder to eradicate, for they are not something tangible that you can simply take off or remove.
Perhaps the first step to freeing ourselves from the insidious accumulation of these fears is to acknowledge the existence of them. Only when you know that something exists then can you take steps to get rid of it right? Right, so let's start. I admit that my biggest fears include a fear of regret and of disappointment. And these do influence a lot of my decisions and interactions with people. At first sight of impending disappointment (not just my own disappointment, this includes disappointing other people as well) or possible regret, my instinctive response has always been to FASTER SIAM. Not quite the best way of dealing with things I must say, but I guess at least I understand why I sometimes react the way I do.
Hmmm...what are some of your fears and do you know how they affect you in the way you make decisions in life?"
hehe though the 'FASTER SIAM' was totally anti-climax :p i do feel that sometimes my fear of regret does really spur me to do certain things, which sometimes may or may not be desirable ultimately..but i guess i'm still young and my decisions have not been too majorly great to cause any huge detrimental consequences yet anyway..hehe
"Somehow it feels like as we grow older, we get more and more afraid of living. I don't mean that in a morbid way, (in fact, being more afraid of living necessitates a fear of death because it's the fear of hastening the inevitable that hence makes us afraid to use up our 'living allowance') but rather we (or I, if it's just me) saddle ourselves with more and more fears. It's not a conscious and willing process, yet it's a process that ultimately only we ourselves can prevent and perhaps reverse.
Fear comes from experience, which explains the lack of it when we are young, for we do not know the sense of defeat that comes from failure, the disappointment that results from dashed hopes. And so as we we get older and experience more, while there are both happy and unhappy experiences, more often than not it is the unhappy experiences that imprint themselves in our minds and hearts as a warning, as an instinctive measure of self-protection to shield ourselves from the repeat of such unhappy experiences again.
And so we pile on many different fears that we collect through our years of living - fear of disappointment, of regret, of failure, of rejection, even a fear of pity. Contrary to how happy memories and experiences can float you through a particularly difficult time, your personal collection of fears then determines the depth of the impenetrable pool of water that lies before you when you decide whether or not it's safe to jump in.
It's all in the mind, they say - and yet the fact that all these fears are 'in the mind' makes them all the more harder to eradicate, for they are not something tangible that you can simply take off or remove.
Perhaps the first step to freeing ourselves from the insidious accumulation of these fears is to acknowledge the existence of them. Only when you know that something exists then can you take steps to get rid of it right? Right, so let's start. I admit that my biggest fears include a fear of regret and of disappointment. And these do influence a lot of my decisions and interactions with people. At first sight of impending disappointment (not just my own disappointment, this includes disappointing other people as well) or possible regret, my instinctive response has always been to FASTER SIAM. Not quite the best way of dealing with things I must say, but I guess at least I understand why I sometimes react the way I do.
Hmmm...what are some of your fears and do you know how they affect you in the way you make decisions in life?"
hehe though the 'FASTER SIAM' was totally anti-climax :p i do feel that sometimes my fear of regret does really spur me to do certain things, which sometimes may or may not be desirable ultimately..but i guess i'm still young and my decisions have not been too majorly great to cause any huge detrimental consequences yet anyway..hehe
Friday 16 October 2009
wheee today marks the end of my 2nd killer week in this sem! though i know i did badly for all 3 quizzes i took..but haha, i somewhat am rather nonchalant already..no more energy and drive! haha..
was quite proud of myself cos i drove home from ntu in the peak hour traffic 2 days ago! hehe..first time i tried going on the expressway at that hour and i made it! still not very confident about changing lanes though...
and i realised why i like planet earth so much already...it's the same reason why i like admiring the sunset, the sky, and nature in general..it's cos it reminds me that there is this whole big big word out there..abundant in life, beauty and happenings that make my life seem so small..such that all my troubles seem insignificant and transient..
i wish i could just take a breakkkk...projects are never ending :(
i miss sinnie!
haha wad a random post but oh wells
was quite proud of myself cos i drove home from ntu in the peak hour traffic 2 days ago! hehe..first time i tried going on the expressway at that hour and i made it! still not very confident about changing lanes though...
and i realised why i like planet earth so much already...it's the same reason why i like admiring the sunset, the sky, and nature in general..it's cos it reminds me that there is this whole big big word out there..abundant in life, beauty and happenings that make my life seem so small..such that all my troubles seem insignificant and transient..
i wish i could just take a breakkkk...projects are never ending :(
i miss sinnie!
haha wad a random post but oh wells
Sunday 11 October 2009
yesterday once more
looking back on how it was in years gone by,
and the good times that we had,
makes today seem rather sad
so much has changed.
and the good times that we had,
makes today seem rather sad
so much has changed.
Friday 9 October 2009
Wednesday 7 October 2009
a rare early afternoon back at home!
it's been a long while since i last reached home so early..walking up the slope to my home under the midday sun made me feel like i was back in my nanyang days once again, going home almost immediately after school ended..taking the bus wif sinnie and the rest of the 4/9 girls who stayed along the stretch towards bukit panjang..somehow it made me feel that nothing much had changed since then after all..though at the back of my mind, i'm consciously aware of how much we have grown, the different journeys all of us have taken..and the new prospects of a working life soon to meet all of us! it was indeed a nostalgic moment..hehe
haha and i could only reach home so early because i bravely decided to pon my nus lesson! it was an impromptu decision, triggered by my desire to be able to go home early for once, and also cos of the never-ending projects that are sucking away all my social life :'( i shall make this a productive afternoon and not waste my rare ponning decision! hehe :p
didn't expect yr 3 to be so stressful..but i guess we'll all learn to cope..and it's getting through all these that makes us feel we accomplished so much more in uni, and that's wad gives us all the bittersweet memories to look back on next time :)
jiayou everyone!
haha and i could only reach home so early because i bravely decided to pon my nus lesson! it was an impromptu decision, triggered by my desire to be able to go home early for once, and also cos of the never-ending projects that are sucking away all my social life :'( i shall make this a productive afternoon and not waste my rare ponning decision! hehe :p
didn't expect yr 3 to be so stressful..but i guess we'll all learn to cope..and it's getting through all these that makes us feel we accomplished so much more in uni, and that's wad gives us all the bittersweet memories to look back on next time :)
jiayou everyone!
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