i think i've given up

i didnt want to blog about this because i thought there was still hope, that it could still be salvaged
but i have seen for myself that i really should just give up. totally.
you cant imagine how sick and tired i am of all this nonsense
the worst thing is, i dont even know why it happened
i really cant understand how someone can turn his/her back on a friend so quickly..
shouldnt friendship be about tolerating another's flaws and accomodating them?
yes i know im not perfect. if you cant accept me for who i am then why be my friend in the first place? if you're gonna hurt me after that i'd rather i never met you..

believe me, i really wanted everything to work out, to go back to how it was..and i did think it actually was for a period of time! then what happened after that? im totally clueless

was our friendship so fragile right from the start? that everything can so cruelly be destroyed by NOTHING (at least to me). that you could forsake it so easily, without getting affected a single bit at all? i really thought u were a great friend, someone i could have fun with yet confide in at the same time..but where has all that gone to? what exactly happened? maybe im oversensitive, too easily affected..and that's what you cant stand about me..but all i know is that i have never done anything against you consciously, or offended you deliberately and i really cant understand what you hate about me so much, when we could be such great friends in the past..if i had that flaw i had it right from the start..why is it only now that you start to loathe it?

maybe you'll never know how many times i've cried alone about this..but i guess you wont care anyway..the whole thing doesnt seem to matter to you anyway

i'm tired of trying, of hoping, of still believing that there is hope
its too emotionally draining
its too difficult to put up a strong front all the time

i really dont know what to expect anymore
i learn new things about this world all the time
i wish i never had to grow up
i just want to run away from it all..but the reality that i cant just makes everything worse..


i guess i should learn to let go, to move on and leave all this behind

warghhh i ate soo much junk food over the weekend i think the flab over my stomach just grew thicker by 1 cm!! i can feel it already! :x

ONG ENG SIN!! all ur fault la offer so much nonsense to us on the table! haha u die oredy im gonna tell ur brother everything!! u two are seriously damn funny..nway i really wish we could just go visit u everyday and slack the day away..and we'll secretly throw BEAR away one of these days!! muahahahaha ok i feel evil..haha..just very funny to see ur reaction..

nway i was looking for pics of auroras online damn nice! too bad i dunno how to upload them here..i think it'd be an experience of a lifetime if i could go see it for myself! it really looks so magical..

haha ok i shall stop finding more excuses to slack..like now..byebye!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUKIT!! eh sorry YU KIT
haha see i remembered the space in your name! :D


if only everything now could be as simple and innocent as they were in the past..
i would never grow up then..
is that good or bad?

wouldnt it be nice if the happy moments in our life could be recorded in some tangible form? then we'd be able to look back on them clearly, without having to search through our memory..as we get older, even the memories which were once so vivid and evoking start to fade and become vague and unclear..and the sweet, lingering feeling of happiness that comes with those memories starts to disappear too..

i hope i dont ever have to regret anything that i have done or will do..regret is really the worst feeling in the world to have..cos most of the time there's nothing we can do about it but let the feeling just fade away with time..i hope even more that when i look back on my past days of my life in future, there'll be no phase i'd particularly want to block out..cos it'll mean i didnt live my life the way i wanted to, according to my own principles and expectations..haiz but i know it's impossible to hope like this anyway..i'm not perfect..i'll definitely do things i know im not supposed to..things that let others and myself down..

i think as i grow older, even my principles change..i experience more things that change my perception of life, of people..i learn new ways of dealing with old problems..and sometimes, indifference is really the best policy..though i never used to like indifferent people, cos i didnt see the point in behaving coolly and coldly..it's sad that im becoming one myself..

that is why i really cant decide for myself if im doing the right things or not..but then, who knows what will happen next and who is to judge what is correct? i've learnt that human relations are the most unpredictable in this world..there's never one fixed, correct way to go about dealing with it..maybe i shouldnt be thinking so much in the first place..i cant help but think that thinking too much makes me a complex person..but i cant help it too..

i shall just take things one step at a time then..

shall go watch the last episode of my 7 o'clock show now! :)

cycling at ubin is fun! and uplifting too...
hope my mosquito bites dont itch tmr though..haha


i'll try my best to make it!

i think for a friendship to work it takes both to care enough about it
i've learnt not to expect too much
but i thought that its natural to do so
maybe we're just not that close anymore
after all these, will we still keep in touch?
or go our separate ways with only memories to cling on to

i know so many things will change..
i'm quite resistant to change acually..so i still feel my life has been quite peaceful..
i dont know how things will be like
but there's not much point thinking so far also..not that i can do much about it
i may promise myself to do many things now..but i think promises to yourself are the easiest to break and forget..just like new year resolutions..they seem to give a kind of direction to our lives initially..but after a while we tend to lose focus and i just live my life one day at a time..its good in a way because i dont get worried unnecessarily about the future, but then its all because im lazy to think so far and i also end up worrying about much more trivial stuff..

back to promises to myself..i think i forget them easily because i know it'll not really make much of a difference to anyone else's life..and no one will know if i break them at all..and i think constantly trying to reevaluate myself and my life is too tiring and i dont get anywhere from there too..i think i have so many flaws that not many know about..does that make me a scary person?

yz was telling me that day about ppl being deep and scheming and doing things which just put others off unknowingly..but i was thinking..arent these ppl the shallow people? who do simply what their mind tells them to..not caring about what other people think of them..then if i think negative thoughts but dont actually put any of them into action does that make me an even more scary and 'deep' person in that sense?

i think im too concerned over not offending anyone that i dont really open my heart to most people..i restrict what i say most of the time..cos i feel many people are still in the process of judging me..that they're not ready to accept me totally for who i am and whatever flaws i have..nway i feel that being concerned like this is in itself a flaw too..but i can never know the perfect way of being a human being too..the perfect way of doing things or thinking..

bleah im back to reevaluating my actions again im just contradicting myself
ok i dont even know the point of this whole post actually

nway to kwa, yunhua, tyz, yk etc who tagged, hello! haha though i see u all everyday la..except kwa! sorry even i cant reply on my own tagboard too haha..all yunhua's fault! help me set up this lousy tagboard! hahahahah :p