it's been exactly a week since you left,
and around the time we buried you..
and this first heavy downpour of rain since we left you there
seems to bear much meaning for me

initially i was really worried when it will start raining
because i hoped your feathers would be kept dry and pretty always
and you'll always look cute and serene..

but i've slowly come to terms with it.
and while it seems a melancholic morning,
with sunshine occasionally chirping away,
the rain seems to be cleansing the earth of its sorrows

and i feel comforted by friends who told me that you have gone to birdie heaven..
i still miss you so much bow..
sometimes at home i still forget that you're gone..
i walk to the kitchen excitedly,
only to reminded of your absence when i see that where your nestling box used to be is now a huge, huge empty space..

i play with sun sun more now..
i was always guilty of placing more attention on you,
because you were the only one who would come out of your box to play with me whenever i went to visit sunsun and you..

thank you for coming into our lives bowbow..
i really hope you had a wonderful 7 years being part of our family..
you always will be :)

to my dearest little rainbow...

in 2003 you flew into charl's house
i thought you were a baby parrot
and was delighted when mummy and daddy agreed to let me take you home
we brought you to the bird shop and were told you were a lovebird

i gave you your name rainbow
and after a year or so, we knew your gender
cos you started laying eggs!

you were always adorable, always
with that fluffy, chubby cheeks of yours
i always told you you looked like a cute little soft toy..

you were there all through the years..
through my secondary school years
jc years..
and you almost saw me through my entire uni life..

and then we bought sun to join you so that you wouldn't be alone
you two fought at times, which worried us..
but seeing both of you help preen each other's feathers,
seeing both of you locking beaks always brought a smile to our faces
i wonder how sunsun will be without you,
though she's really naughty at times..

you were such a joy to have around..
i was never really alone at home because of sunsun and you
ever-ready to peer out at me from your little hole
or open your box and stand at the edge for me to have a better view of you
and trying to get my attention by reaching high up to place your beak at the top of the cage whenever i play with sun..

your super adorable face will always stay in my heart..
you were mischievous at times..
trying to bite me after letting me stroke your beak..
but you were always cute and loveable...

it pains me that you're not there anymore
it's difficult to go back to a home without you,
always eager to play with me whenever i went behind to the kitchen..

it pains me that just a few days ago you were perfectly alright

it pains me that you seemed to leave in pain,
that you seemed to be injured
and yet i could do nothing to ease your pain

it pains me that i didn't spend more time with you the night before
because i thought you were sleepy and dozing off

it pains me that you're there alone, where we buried you in your little box from which you peered out from

it pains me that we cannot protect you from the elements of nature anymore
i feel scared when it rains..because you're alone..

i can't accept the fact that my little bow is not at her familiar corner anymore
the corner which seems like such a huge empty space now..

sometimes i seem to forget the fact that you're gone...
and when reality sinks it in between ephemeral moments of distraction,
it really hurts..and the tears just start flowing..

i wish it was all a dream
i wish the vet did not open so late
sorry bow, that we could not ease your pain and suffering..

i'm only glad that mummy and i were there for you in your last moments..
you were important to each and everyone of us in the family..
mummy took urgent leave so we could bring you to the vet..
daddy rushed home after getting to the office when i told him the news, when he's usually reluctant to take even a day's leave..
i'm glad you left with mummy and i stroking you, and knowing that we loved you..alot..

i always envisioned myself having a dog when i was older..
i always wanted one..
but i'm not so sure anymore..
it's really heartbreaking when they leave
the sadness is overwhelming..

bow, i don't know what to do to stop feeling sad..
i miss you so much..
i just wanted to let you know that you're the best bird in the world..
the most adorable, intelligent, loveable and loyal friend..
you were such a big part of our lives
you meant so much to mummy, daddy and me..
you'll always always stay in our hearts..
i hope you're in a better place now bow..

rest in peace, my little bowbow..
i love you

(hmm i wanna post photos of her..but i guess it's too heartbreaking to look through photos of her right now..i'll do it when i'm ready!)

on friendship

i dunno why but i've been thinking alottt this dec hols..probably its due to the whole new year and the customary reflections thing..

been thinking a great part about friendships and how i deal with mine..and even though i'm usually rather stubborn and strong-headed and prideful that i sometimes am reluctant to admit that my way of thinking or doing things is wrong, i think i learnt something very important this hols..

that to be a better friend, i need to start giving before anything else.

it seems as though when i'm meant to learn a lesson out of something, many people coincidentally play a part simultaneously in letting me see things more clearly..like friends who gave me presents for my birthday without expecting anything in return..

my previous way of thinking was- when i'm convinced that a friend has been a good friend to me, i would wanna be a better friend to that person than he/she is to me and i would feel happy making that friend happy. but i would hardly take the first step in being a good friend and i don't like that calculative side of me.

i talked to zk at length about this and he served to place a conclusion to new thoughts which were surfacing in my mind..just at a time when i was reflecting about how i should be less calculative in my end-of-year post. he taught me that even if it means disappointment in a less-than-reciprocative friend, he would always still give to his friendships anyway. it's always better to give than to place expectations on friendships..

i guess i'm someone who always expects alot out of my friendships, in terms of my need to feel that the other party treasures and enjoys the friendship that we share. the moment i feel the other party is not as interested in maintaining the friendship anymore, i start to feel disappointed and lose hope. haha i know it's a very childish way of thinking, and i hope i will take a more laidback stance as i grow older..and accept that we can lose friendships along the way, even very close ones..

i used to think as long as i tried hard enough to let a friend know i really cared about the friendship, she would definitely stay as a friend forever and things would never change. but now i realised circumstances holding a friendship together can be shaken by so many factors.

first, differing schedules in our lives, resulting in less opportunities to get in touch. it could also be that either party's priorities in life have changed. it could be that one's character has already changed. or it could be that one is disappointed in the other for some reason and is not willing to let that reason go.

i always believe in friends not bearing grudges. that is why if i do get upset with a friend, i will let that person know immediately and explain exactly why i'm upset. and even if i may come across as confrontational, it's only because i care about the friendship and hope to be honest about my feelings such that a similar matter doesn't occur again. and it's because this friendship matters to me that i am willing to subject myself to such emotional vulnerability such a 'confrontation' involves. at the end of the day, there should always be forgiveness and both friends understanding each other better, with no grudges borne at all.

many of my actions are based on my own projections of what future emotions i might feel if this or that happens. and when i go forth with a course of action which exposes me emotionally as opposed to one where i can remain nonchalant and thus emotionally-protected, i have already prepared myself for possible hurt and disappointment.

but every human has a threshold, and i too, wish to protect myself.

and i've learnt that such naive thinking, of being able to hold a friend back no matter how hard she struggles to break free, should be relinquished as i grow older and mature in my ways. i always thought when a friend is upset, she would be expecting me to apologize and resolve things cos after all, she is the one who is upset so naturally i would have to take the initiative.

but my naive mind never had the capacity to accomodate the thought that, perhaps, this friend really wants out. she has no hopes or expectations of me pacifying her, nor wanting to mend a broken friendship, but simply doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. i could never comprehend nor accept such a thought, because i would never want to lose a friend if i had a choice or the controlling power, but i cannot expect others to think the same way as me. especially a friend whose ways i can't seem to comprehend anymore.

i've tried my best and i'll leave you with the choice of what you wish to do. but i just wanna say that you'll always have a friend in me.. :)