on friendship

i dunno why but i've been thinking alottt this dec hols..probably its due to the whole new year and the customary reflections thing..

been thinking a great part about friendships and how i deal with mine..and even though i'm usually rather stubborn and strong-headed and prideful that i sometimes am reluctant to admit that my way of thinking or doing things is wrong, i think i learnt something very important this hols..

that to be a better friend, i need to start giving before anything else.

it seems as though when i'm meant to learn a lesson out of something, many people coincidentally play a part simultaneously in letting me see things more clearly..like friends who gave me presents for my birthday without expecting anything in return..

my previous way of thinking was- when i'm convinced that a friend has been a good friend to me, i would wanna be a better friend to that person than he/she is to me and i would feel happy making that friend happy. but i would hardly take the first step in being a good friend and i don't like that calculative side of me.

i talked to zk at length about this and he served to place a conclusion to new thoughts which were surfacing in my mind..just at a time when i was reflecting about how i should be less calculative in my end-of-year post. he taught me that even if it means disappointment in a less-than-reciprocative friend, he would always still give to his friendships anyway. it's always better to give than to place expectations on friendships..

i guess i'm someone who always expects alot out of my friendships, in terms of my need to feel that the other party treasures and enjoys the friendship that we share. the moment i feel the other party is not as interested in maintaining the friendship anymore, i start to feel disappointed and lose hope. haha i know it's a very childish way of thinking, and i hope i will take a more laidback stance as i grow older..and accept that we can lose friendships along the way, even very close ones..

i used to think as long as i tried hard enough to let a friend know i really cared about the friendship, she would definitely stay as a friend forever and things would never change. but now i realised circumstances holding a friendship together can be shaken by so many factors.

first, differing schedules in our lives, resulting in less opportunities to get in touch. it could also be that either party's priorities in life have changed. it could be that one's character has already changed. or it could be that one is disappointed in the other for some reason and is not willing to let that reason go.

i always believe in friends not bearing grudges. that is why if i do get upset with a friend, i will let that person know immediately and explain exactly why i'm upset. and even if i may come across as confrontational, it's only because i care about the friendship and hope to be honest about my feelings such that a similar matter doesn't occur again. and it's because this friendship matters to me that i am willing to subject myself to such emotional vulnerability such a 'confrontation' involves. at the end of the day, there should always be forgiveness and both friends understanding each other better, with no grudges borne at all.

many of my actions are based on my own projections of what future emotions i might feel if this or that happens. and when i go forth with a course of action which exposes me emotionally as opposed to one where i can remain nonchalant and thus emotionally-protected, i have already prepared myself for possible hurt and disappointment.

but every human has a threshold, and i too, wish to protect myself.

and i've learnt that such naive thinking, of being able to hold a friend back no matter how hard she struggles to break free, should be relinquished as i grow older and mature in my ways. i always thought when a friend is upset, she would be expecting me to apologize and resolve things cos after all, she is the one who is upset so naturally i would have to take the initiative.

but my naive mind never had the capacity to accomodate the thought that, perhaps, this friend really wants out. she has no hopes or expectations of me pacifying her, nor wanting to mend a broken friendship, but simply doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. i could never comprehend nor accept such a thought, because i would never want to lose a friend if i had a choice or the controlling power, but i cannot expect others to think the same way as me. especially a friend whose ways i can't seem to comprehend anymore.

i've tried my best and i'll leave you with the choice of what you wish to do. but i just wanna say that you'll always have a friend in me.. :)