reflections on 2009

since boring and no-life me is nua-ing at home on new year's eve unlike my more happening friends, it seems a good time to blog about the year which has just passed and of my 21st birthday..

i'll blog about the latter first..i made the decision not to celebrate my birthday, mainly out of laziness to plan and also the fear of feeling paiseh when i have troubled many people to gather cos of me..and worse still, them feeling bored if i'm a lousy host, which i know i am!

i was very touched, however, by some of my friends who decided to give me surprise celebrations anyway..i felt as if i mattered to them because they bothered to take the trouble to do something for me and try and make me feel special..

first it was kez, wei, prissy and van..it was just supposed to be a normal uni-girls dinner (very early on the 23rd)..they were so cute in trying to hide the surprise!! first kez was behaving all secretive on the phone with wei when we were in kino cos they were trying to get a bday card for me without me knowing, then prissy arrived with a cute litte breadtalk box..which later revealed a cute and petite santa kisses cake! and kez managed to fish out a havaianas box from her bag which she had been hiding all along! i was so amused..even though they had not enough time and were all writing my card IN FRONT of me, i was still very touched..by their intention to even celebrate it for me..thanks ken and adel for sharing in the present too! and they say there's part 2 of the present which they haven't gotten, but really, i don't need anything else..i'm thankful enough already :)

then it was rspid peeps..the always-so-sweet-and-thoughtful gang..i went for v camp from 27th to 29th..and on 28th night after project id sharing, they started to switch off the lights, when xx brought up the cake from downstairs..and everyone started singing..i felt super paiseh and always don't really know how to react in such situations..but i tried to act brave anyway! i didn't really dare look at the crowd in the eye, but i spotted diana's and peipei's wide grins and felt warm and fuzzy inside :) thanks yaoyao for getting the cake..

then later while we were cycling and it reached 12, those in my group started singing a bday song for me (again!)..i guess it would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience..to hear a birthday song while cycling! hehe..luckily it was in the dark so i could hide my paisehness..

then the smses started coming in..and jingjingpok was the cutest!! only when i reached home did i realise she was trying to find all means to wish me!! she was the first to call me at 12am sharp to wish me (and endanger my cycling :p), then she sent an sms..and when i reached home i saw that she had left an offline msg on msn and posted a msg on my wall on facebook! and when i laughed at her later she said she forgot the last channel- email!! so silly la she..but i'm really glad for a friend like her..one whom i know will put me before herself..i feel it's really rare to find friends like these..to be honest i can only think of one other friend who would do the same..

on the 29th itself, after a restful sleep when i reached home from the camp (thanks kokwei for the lift!) i went out of dinner with my parents and zk..at the soup restaurant at vivocity..when i reached home my mummy was at home..there was a birthday card on the table for me..mummy wrote a touching message inside for me-

"To our dearest Darling Deborah,

You're the best gift we've ever got and you've made us very happy and proud as your parents. Congratulations on reaching adulthood but you'll always be our precious little girl!

Lots of love,

Mummy & Daddy"

i went to hug my mummy and told her i loved her, to which she replied the same..it's sad how as i grow older, it seems not-awkward to hug my mummy and tell her i love her only on special occasions like these..to think i used to do that to my parents that every single day back in primary school i didn't know if i'd ever stop doing that..

then it was time to watch avatar with zk! we had free gold class tix which we used for a good movie of the same standard..the seats were super comfy..we could raise the leg raise and recline the back such that we could actually lie 180 degrees..but i wouldn't think $28 per ticket otherwise is worth the experience..

anyway, the very thoughtful but cannot-keep-secrets-for-nuts diana revealed to me that she got vouchers on behalf of the comm and that i'll have to go shopping with peipei and her to get a bag! hehe so nonsense lor she i just had to probe a bit over the phone and she told me everything! :p

i also wanna thank edmund for getting me this very unique handicraft kit, so suitable for someone like me who enjoys making handmade stuff!! and kokwei for getting me a biography on michael jackson..its partly about how those ruthless people subjected him to extortion..and hmm even though i already noe the gist, it's a little painful to read the details..i don't really like to know about how ppl mistreated him! and xiuxia for thinking of getting flowers for muilian to pass to me at the end of our christmas celebration session..really sweet and thoughtful of ya girl..bingyao was in-charge of getting the flowers and he told me about the story about how he anyhow chose the flowers cos he didn't know wad i like! hehe

but my birthday also made me sad about something else..won't say what it is here, but i hope it's just me thinking too much..but growing older has also made me feel being hopeful and also having that childlike wilfulness will never retain a friendship if the other party allows it to slip away..so i won't force things anymore..for an emotional person like me, nonchalance, i guess, is the best form of self-protection, from potential hurt and disappointment..

***

so much about my 21st..i'm so old now!

of 2009..now that i've gotten through it, looking back always make things seem smooth-sailing, no matter all the emotional turbulences i've felt along the way..

i've moved on from being a second-year student to a third-year student..it's so cliche to say this, but i really hate how time flies..i don't wanna graduate! made some truly wonderful friends, however little they may be..who made uni so much more missable in the future..

since it seems almost customary to make resolutions for the new year..i shall make them! i don't have specific tasks to complete, but my main resolution is to be a better person..honestly in the past, like back in secondary school, when i was asked to think of personal flaws, it was really difficult to think of a substantial one, other than not being appreciative enough of my parents..but now, i'm so ashamed that so many flaws simply developed along the way..i don't know if it's due to my growing older and being cynical..but if michael jackson could retain his beautiful heart and values all his life, then why can't i?

to me my greatest flaw now is my being calculative..i really never used to be like that! i'm starting to hate this person i'm becoming..calculative in terms of expecting things of my friends, of zk..and getting upset when they can't meet those standards..which lowers my willingness of how much to give to these relationships in future..it seems as though i need to be convinced now of how much the other party is willing to put into the relationship before i decide how much to give? it's a selfish way of thinking, a means to protect my calculative self..in the past i would just give wholeheartedly to my friendships..be it making handmade stuff for my friends or asking to meet up etc..now i'll only be inclined to make things for ppl whom i know will appreciate it or have proven to me that they care very much about their friendship with me..i just can't seem to accept one-sided giving anymore?

i don't wanna be so selfish..i want to be more gracious, less calculative, more forgiving..i want to be a better daughter..i want to stop getting annoyed when my daddy asks too many questions about the trivial things in my life..i am consciously aware that he is asking about my life because he truly loves me and cares about me..but sometimes i really don't like it when he asks how my friends in uni are doing and stuff cos i don't like him to compare me with others..but i always feel very guilty after i am rude because he doesn't deserve my rudeness at all..more and more i can feel how much my parents love me..their lives seem to revolve around me..sometimes i wish they didn't do so much for me, cos it's so much more difficult to repay them in future..and yes, this is another flaw of mine..i keep assuring myself that i can always 'make amends' for my lack of display of appreciation for my parents by earning money to give them a good life in future..but why must it only be in the future? why can't it start now? why can't i make them feel loved right now?

i think i've mentioned this before, but i always feel the need to put up a strong and brave front in front of my parents..if i cry cos of anything, i will never let them see it..even if i'm affected by a friendship problem..i won't let them know i'm affected..i may tell them about that friend, but i'll never show i'm sad or disappointed..and maybe cos of this i find it difficult to simply go up to them and hug them and tell them i love you, or show my appreciation so openly because i must act strong? i know it doesn't seem rational here haha..

in short, i want to be a better daughter, friend and girlfriend..i want those who matter to me to feel happier because i am in their lives..i don't want to end the year regretting the person that i was or not liking who i am..i think the most important thing is to be able to face up to yourself..if i were a separate person, will i be someone i would like as a friend?

happy 2010, everyone! :)