i miss my childhood so much!

i remember on chinese new year's eve in the past, we would all bring along new pyjamas to gong gong's hse..then we'd bathe and all of us would change into new pyjamas!

or how kimberly and i would go into ahbok's or pohpoh's room and count our angbao money together..hehe..im not even interested how many hongbaos i get now..i dont specially like money..but i dont like to waste it either..

and how cheryl, marcus, zoey and me would carry those battery-operated lanterns together on mid-autumn festival..those wif the ahlian music playing one..i remember gong gong gave us all this nice, beaded lantern on one of the years..i dont know where it is now..haiz..i used to keep it!

how we wouldnt mind just sitting there in gonggong's hse arranging uno stacko pieces in a pattern then creating some domino game while the adults played mahjong..then i'd go over to pohpoh's hse where kimberly would be waiting for me..and when auntie warsi was still around..i miss her soooo much! i remember i wrote her this long letter..and i was crying while i wrote it..i brought it all the way to the airport but forgot to give it to her in the end! so its still in my drawer..haha..yupp but i din really enjoy having to greet all my grandmother's friends whom i din even know..just to act like that guai, well-mannered girl..

and most of all, how kimberly and i used to quarrel so much! its unbelieveable la..all the spiteful things i used to say that i cant believe could actually come out of my mouth..but we're all much more mature now..but i really miss how we'd play five stones, zero point (even at the bus stop and during lunch!), all the funny board games...ooh and how i lost dunno how many thousands to u in monopoly..it traumatized me till now! hahah so i don enjoy the game anymore..all ur fault! haha..all the funny things we used to do..its really nv ending la..picking pebbles from the AIA near ur changi house..bathing together using ur funny timotei shampoo at east coast..all our role playing when i'd be the maid!!! haha..ahhhh i really miss our childhood so much..ooh! and all the 'nice feeling' dunno wad spa service in maingoh's room! hahaha damn funny la that one..and our anamaniacs game!! i remember i even scratched u once in a struggle cos both of us wanted to play different games..and LOADRUNNER! ahhh okok i shall stop here..im getting too sentimental oredy..haha

yayy yesterday was so nice! had class breakfast first then met up wif kwa, ouou, bin and xiaogui..then later yiyou n huiyan came along! soo glad everyone's still the same..watched geisha..very nice..i like easy to understand shows..haha..the little girl's soo pretty! and she really looks like a young version of zhang ziyi! n i finally know what a geisha is..haha..i always tot they were transvestites! haha! but i think the show's those kind got quality one..not like those chic flicks...

nway i felt so bad..cos actually all of us bought tickets from one row..supposedly some couples' row or sth..haha..then huiyan had to sit alone..so yiyou went to join her..then this man kana sit beside me..but i think he's a smoker! so i couldnt really stand the smell..occasionally when the whiffs of the smell came along i would just cover my nose..but i tried to make it not so obvious oredy..then i think the man realized leh! then he left halfway through the show! feel so bad...haiz..

waited damn long for the 171! was quite pissed at how long actually..at least 20 min lor..then when it finally came it was damn crowded..so xiaogui and i had to stand near the stairs there..then there was this couple behind me..and occasionally the guy leaned back..against me..and i felt v uncomfortable cos i couldnt really lean forward to move away cos i'd block the bus uncle's view of the side mirror..and he already scolded me a few times for blocking him..so everytime that guy leaned back i would kinda turn slightly to look at them..then i think the girlfriend was bitching bout me later! argh..i dunno la..i couldnt stand it oredy la..the whole journey was so unbearable..so i just go off at coro and waited for another bus even though i din have to change bus..haha..stupid bus journey spoiled my mood la..was actually quite happy after meeting kwa they all one lor..

sats today! wah its like 4 hrs can! was damn sian halfway oredy..but so happy its over!

so relaxed now..finally its the hols again! and i havent been living up to my new yr resolution of not procrastinating anymore..haiz..okok by the end of cny i would have cleared my file and finished any outstanding tutorials! i hope...

reunion dinner later! yay! i always like family gatherings...for my paternal side i think i just enjoy the lively company of my aunties and uncles..they're all v friendly ppl..for my maternal side i think its more of meeting up wif kimberly! :)) i wanna see spot! hehe..

after some time when the feelings of helplessness and the pain of loss fade away, you cant help but wonder how much of the memories will actually last after a few more years..i think i'd rather feel sad than let some memories fade to the back of my mind, when even photos cant really evoke emotions to relive those memories anymore..i dont wanna ever forget you..i miss you so much..

i feel im slowly losing myself
i don't know who i am anymore

i cant define what kind of person i am
have i changed?

haiss i cant stand irresponsible people
its not how big the mistake was; its the principles behind being able to admit it
i don't know
i just feel there's a limit to how far a prank goes and how far one's frivolous ways can go
i cant see why some people just dont know when to be serious and when not to be
life's not a game anyway

sorry im just quite pissed off today
by selfish and irresponsible people
who only think about themselves and having fun
who don't bother about bearing any consequences

i know its easier to just let it go
and make peace with myself and those people
but i just cant
not when they're being so adamant about it

i hope i can be free of all these negative emotions by tomorrow
i don't know why im so affected in the first place
if there're no consequences to our actions at all
i would really want to confront them
but its not worth it anyway
you just reinforced whatever negative opinion i had of you

argh ok stop it stop it stop bitching
sorry im just very disappointed and needed to vent my frustration

yay orientation's finally over! damn relieved really..never planned such a large scale event before..but i must admit i prefer planning to execution..haha..nway im lazy to recount wad happened yesterday so go read ouou's blog if u wanna know! hahaha...thanks to all odacians! n yk, zhixian n yh for accompanying me to borrow logs! hahaha so fun playing badminton and frisbee inside the PE room! n sorry zhixian for chickening out right before ur bio s lecture! hahahah too many people!

i've been sleeping a lot! and its a bad thing cos i kinda conditioned myself into thinking that sleeping is good..so i sleep EXCESSIVELY nowadays..like ytd i came back..slept from around 4 to 9! haha who ever takes FIVE hour naps?!?! n at night i slept from 2 plus to 12! hahahha shit la..waste my whole morning away..

im not scared of the cold..but i guess i prefer feeling warm..and nowadays i dont switch on the air con at all..not even the fan! so i sleep in a stuffy, enclosed room with the windows and doors all closed till the next morning..n i dont find it hot at all! haha nvm la help to save on the electrical bill..

haiss haven met bin they all for a week! :( next week must meet k! we shall go kap on fri as usual n go to JE lib or xiaogui's hse to mug on sun! yayy so nice..

ok im being very slack but i really dowan to get down to doing my hw..

haha when its not raining,
i like to stare longer at the sky and at the orange rays reflecting off the white walls..
and then i'll imagine how different the sky and the walls would look like on a rainy day..
grey, wet, dull, dark and gloomy
and i'll be even more thankful at that moment itself that its NOT raining! :)

i really cant understand how people can like rainy days at all..

haha today was fun! we should get a frisbee for ourselves! we're getting proer and more graceful!

think i shant come online so often anymore..seriously killing my eyes..they get tired very easily now..and it makes me sleepy! im getting astigmatism! there's shadows when i look at the computer screen leh..or is it cataract?

its friday the thirteenth anyway! ok did i spell thirteenth wrongly again? it looks unfamiliar again..and ouou nearly got flashed at! omgg

wish me luck for tomorrow! really hope it doesnt rain! like today...

nostalgia

shit i really miss ny a lot..
how i wish i could just roam around the school in my ny uniform again...
haha though i dunno where my mummy put all of them..sigh..

going back into the guides room was so nostalgic!
i really didnt want to leave..
but had to in case ms ong started suspecting why im taking so long to get a few compasses..
i opened the cupboard..saw our batch's pga file..and i really cant imagine myself doing a proposal like the one i did then anymore..i kinda lost all my willpower to think hard for a long period..and the enthusiasm to perfect what i do..im just getting lazier..perhaps the lack of responsibilities this/last year has made me accustomed to being a slack person..always waiting for instructions and not having to plan anything and such..of cos its more relaxed in a sense..but less fulfilling too..
then i saw all the camp booklets..past and new ones..realized how much i lost touch with guides..i dont even know who's the cl or acl now..wonder if everything's still the same..i feel so old suddenly..like if i was in ny i would think a j2's damn old..but im actually one myself already! i don't even feel any transition at all..i still feel i belong to sec 4..or j1 at least..
i miss selling cookies, baking in the home econs room for all the reasons in the world like teachers day, mothers day, homemakers badge...pioneering sessions, outdoor cooking, long and tiring debriefs, roll call, GUIDES CAMP!! and even testwork! haiz there're just so much more to guides really..never thought i'd miss it so much..never really imagined myself to be this superenthu guide who's damn on and committed to the cca..but i guess i really learnt a lot from it, and forged many memories to look back upon now, that i never thought were events very much worth remembering at that moment itself..ahhh...

I REALLY MISS NANYANG!!! :'(
saw mr chan..haha as usual he was being kiasu and asking us to keep our physics and wadeva subjects files for his son's reference next yr! omg...

tyz and i sat at the bbq bench near the quadrangle to discuss odac after that..and it so reminded me of the pre-olevels period..where we'd stay back almost everyday to study..i remember the kittens too! we were all at a loss as to how to keep them..and the free leftovers from the receptions! hehe..cheapskate!

haha the structure of this entry is horrible! so messy unlike neat me..

i don't even know if i should be feelinig happy or sad..

making empty promises to myself

yk, i fully agree with what you said on ur blog..about things just piling up and forming that barrier between friends..

i realised its no use telling yourself that you'll make sure you sit down with a friend one day, and really catch up on things..because it will never happen..firstly cos things will have become awkward (at least for me cos im a really awkwardness-fearing person) and both parties are not sure how to go about sharing..or how to start..secondly, perhaps, neither of us feel the need to start sharing in the first place because life has been going on as per normal as it has been, without these heart-to-heart talks..that we just dont bother anymore..

its kinda sad..because small talk and superficialities are never things to hold a friendship together..

its been raining everyday..the whole day! it really brings my mood down..
the whole world just looks so grey..

went to sentosa again today..thanks a lot to hulin, janice, wanying, kenny, jeffrey, heidi, azza, jinkai, ngoh, mina for coming down today! at such late notice too..we really appreciate it.. :) hope everything turns out fine next sat! and it MUSN'T rain!! (did i spell musnt correctly? somehow it looks unfamiliar to me..haha)

i was damn sleepy today..maybe not enough sleep but i came home and slept from 5 plus to 9! and im still feeling sleepy and my eyes are perpetually tired these days..i seriously think my astigmatism is worseing! ahh i dont wanna wear specs! let's just keep it this way..n the worst thing about me is that i'll be perfectly able to fall asleep tonight. i should have been born a pig instead right? :s

i realized i've been blogging every night for the past few nights! but it doesnt even feel so..maybe cos i din put much effort into writing la..my entries are very boring anyway..

i was thinking..is it irritating to read someone's blog when that person writes everything is vastly vague terms? you get some meaning out of it but you can never guess what exactly that person is talking about..im guilty of writing like this..aiya its my own blog la..so if i really do irritate anyone then so be it..though i was talking to dawn the other day (still haven seen you yet! but in my impression i keep feeling as if i met up with you during the hols leh..weird) and she was saying if u feel unhappy with anything or anyone, shouldnt you just talk it out with that person, rather than beat around the bush and b**** about it in your blog? i thought that was very true la..cos it has some form of hypocrisy in it i guess..am i being hypocritical?? i really hope not..i think its one of the scariest human trait that can exist..cos its the most dangerous and fake one too..but anyway i just felt that i might feel better by getting it off my chest, rather than go confront people, blow things up, and in the end things become awkward..and what good does that give anyone? only a tense situation and a strained friendship. so i guess its better to just keep things to myself sometimes..talking things out might not even change things ultimately cos i believe people are already treating one another the way they wanted to..if they change just because you told them to, wouldnt that be a little fake? and everyone becomes so conscious of their actions life becomes just so unnatural and unreal.

haha i like reading opinionated blogs, rather than those who merely recount their day's happenings (like mine)..they give me a better perspective on life and expose me to thoughts and concepts that narrow-minded me would never have thought of or about..and i learn more about life and how things work..

and i think i shall stop trying to find a purpose to my life..cos i dont think i'll ever understand it, as long as i dont turn to religion..so there'll never be an answer to that question for me..at least for now la..haha though i still enjoy reading those self-help guides teaching me to be happy! my life is rather satisfactory the way it is already..but i know an inherent flaw in me is to always want more when i get more..ok i guess its human nature..but i think that's not good! i always believe one should be contented with what he or she has..and the thing is, i always cant seem to be! so that's why im reading all these stuff, to teach me how to let go of the inessentials and focus on the essentials instead..its no use to keep telling myself to do it..my small little mind just wanders off and gets affected by minor trivialities and i soon forget everything i preached to myself to take note of..so now im just seeking a way to remember it..

i think having a direction in your life just makes everything seem more fulfilling..you see immediately what's essential and what's not..i still havent found this direction..maybe im too young i dont know..but its making me feel so empty and lost sometimes it just kills my mood.

had class lunch yesterday..freezing food court! anyway, take care, yuensau! snow white! i thought i heard him say he's going back in march! but i was reading mavis' blog and she said monday..haha so soon! n stupid vipul..i never knew my handshake was MACHO! haha!

anyway i've come to a conclusion. your true friends to whom your frienship really matters are those who are genuinely willing and wanting to listen to what you have to say..it might be a little warped..but its an obvious and clearcut way to answering your doubts about friendship..well at least to me..

the superficiality of things
sometimes i just wanna run away from it all
i really do hate doing things just for the sake of doing them
not because i really want to

i wish i could express whatever emotions i feel openly
but i guess i'll just put people off
but i really do find it tiring to suppress what i feel
but then again i dont wanna put people off
though i think im already doing so

i always tell myself i should be happy
and not brood over things
cos they'll just waste precious seconds of my life
and affect my mood for no reason at all
i guess i'm just more idealistic
and have some kind of idea of this perfect life
with higher expectations of everything and everyone
which make me think about things which probably dont affect anyone else at all
i feel so stupid and weak and so easily affected
but what's the point of it all in the first place?

i always thought i could judge people really well
ok maybe at least whether they're being sincere or not
but i'm starting to feel i cant anymore
and its making me feel insecure
i dont know who i can trust
and turn to in times of trouble

maybe i'll see one day..
when i really run into some trouble

watched two movies today! haha...

hotel rwanda was really sad..kinda affected my mood even after the show..i dunno..i just felt it ended on a sad note..wif this sad song sung by children.i can still remember the tune! but it was a good movie la..haha though i dunno wad im supposed to learn bout politics from it!

watched wallace n gromit too! quite nice..and cute..especially the little rabbits! haha quite funny too..but i dunno why i actually dozed off! think i was too sleepy haha..then i was trying to force myself to keep awake cos i din wanna waste money to sleep inside a cinema! haha i missed bits here and there though..but had nice company! :) there was this grp or pair of guys at the other side of the cinema who were practically laughing at EVERYTHING la! haha..n this girl who made comments here and there that the ENTIRE cinema could hear...haha

i think i shant bother anymore
what's the point

its difficult to find a good listener anyway
even if its just listening to crappy comments
everyone's too caught up in their own world and thoughts

yay damn happy can still use back my old number..luckily my mummy's not as swaku as me..i was really quite put off by the idea of having to inform ppl of my new number or sth..haven gotten a new phone yet! borrowed one spare one from my auntie..nokia 1600 i think..haha looks quite nice leh! just that functions a bit sad..wahh i never was so interested in phone models before leh..i always thought i'll stick to my old phone forever

and i feel so stupid..firstly for like begging the thief to return the phone..i used my mummy's phone to sms my number..and today when i put the new sim card into the temporary phone i received my own msg of desperation la! haha so funny..and i feel stupid for actually begging the person..i should have scolded him or sth! haha im assuming the thief is a male..

nway first two days of sch have been nice! at least i don feel that they're somewhat empty..wallace and gromit tmr k! so fun! yayyy..must play our GRACEFUL chapteh too!




i guess life will still go on perfectly as normal without me anyway..
i dont make a difference to anyone at all

haiss why must i start the year like this

sometimes i really hate how careless i can get

maybe its retribution for all the sins i committed this year

it feels terrible when u know something's gone forever

:'(

oh! one more to add to my resolution..to come to sch ON TIME! i don have to be early..but i don wanna be late..i don want to fake thru my attendance oredy..haha

went for boon lay countdown ytd..hmm somehome din really feel the atmosphere..cos i couldnt hear the number they were all shouting! i din noe they were shouting in chinese la..by the time i heard the number it was at 4 oredy..then so sudden n everything..i dunno..just felt like it was another day gone by..quite sad rite..but it was nice to have been able to spend it wif my close frens! plus charmaine, yingying n vizanne too!

i don expect 2006 to be eventful..i just hope its peaceful..

may everyone to stay happy n healthy too..


as the days go by..

thank you my dears! :)

haha this is 2 days late..but i still wanna thank EVERYONE who made my birthday so special and sweet for me!!! ok i'll try naming people really hope i don forget anyone..

thanks to kwa, xiaogui, liow, bin, ouou, yk n zhixian for coming over! i tell u never before did i sing karaoke wif my frens on my bday! in my hse summore! hahaha..hope u all had fun..so happy cos i was really scared u all will be bored in my boring house..haha n we taught ouou, bin and xiaogui how to play bridge! yayy so we can play next time le! :)))

n thanks for all the presents..like wad kwa said, i feel u all still noe me so well..my taste n my likings! zhixian n yk too! omg i cant believe u all spent so long trying to find sth for me la! but i really like e pencil case n tshirt! i like colourful stuff! hahaha

n yk! i must mention here again bout ur beautiful hand-made card! im really really touched by it! even my parents said it would have taken a long time to make..n its so cheem to make la! only smart you knows how to use 3D TRIGO rite!! haha damn funny la! i've been admiring how the words can pop up even up till now! love ya dear!

haha i noe my parents wont read this, but im really grateful for wad they have done for me..my mummy spent the whole day cooking! n my daddy so funny! he came back from work wif this chinese karaoke vcd..but inside the songs we all dunno how to sing one..hais so wasted..n im grateful to them for painstakingly having brought me up these 17 yrs (haha! im so OLD oredy...haiss)..yup i shall be a filial daughter! :)

n to all those who smsed me..thanks for remembering!! it really means a lot to me..that all of u haven forgotten me even though we haven met for so long..

Thanks to kimberlyyy, charmaine, xiaohua (if only u could come too!), rachel, kitty!, caiqing (thanks for remembering all these yrs really..), mavis, lalawee, hulin, hanhooo, shifu, zikai (happy bday to u too!), vera, charlene chua, maryann, clarabella, zit, angchieh, jing xiu, jennifer ah bok n marianne ah bok, n pohpoh! love yall! :)

haiss this will be the last entry of this year! 2005 was a very fast yr..for everyone i guess..hope next yr will be just as eventful..hope jc2 will gimme lotsa nice memories to look back upon next time! :) my new yr resolution is to be a better person..more helpful..less calculative..a better fren n a more filial daughter..to stop procrastinating n to learn to count my blessings and be thankful for wad i have..yupp! so if any of u hear me complaining bout life just scold me n remind me of my resolution k! :)

okok better go do my gp essay! been dragging it since dunno when..haha