hmmm my mummy did a destructive system recovery for me...the good thing is i can finally use my comp again..the sad thing is, everything's gone..sob..i really really do keep old stuff for sentimental reasons...whether i actually need them or not..so i just keep old old files inside..but now..they're all gone..and there's no way i can ever see them again..but i have the hard copies maybe??but still..im still a little sad.. and all my songs!ahh..have to go download them again..though i don see how...cos i don dare use those illegal programmes le..cos im not sure if its those programmes that hai my comp...
nway nway, happy that things are fine now
gp common test next wed..ahh actually din think it was so impt..cos i always tot common tests were normal tests..like in ny..i din noe they're actually like midyrs in jc!shit shit! and my gp sux la..so demoralized by all e work we just got back..but are marks that impt?? even if i don do well i don think i'll even care or think about it 2 yrs down the road..or maybe even 2 months..
i always worry that my jc testimonial will look like shit..cos i'll have no achievements or nothing i can be proud of..things used to be much much easier in ny..opportunities just came to me..now i have to try so hard to get them..that i have become so numb in failing at all my attempts that i think i have given up trying anymore..or have become too lazy ot think bout such stuff..
i just don understand why we have to look so far into the future at such an early age..cant we just take life one step at a time?? why shd i even care bout wad's on my testimonial?? it all boils down to trying to get a good job in the future..by getting a scholarship before that???but even if i don get a scholarship..it shd be ok rite..i don have to be some high-flyer..i just have to get a job which can earn me enough to support myself and my family?? haiz but in an environment like rj..where everyone's so capable and everything, i cant help but feel inferior..
i never used to be like that..guess i have changed a lot..maybe in class now i'm still quite e same..but definitely not as bubbly, happy and crazy as before...guess ppl now are more judgemental..and its even worse in cca..im totally not myself..i guess it's the feeling that everyone else is so much better that i don dare give my opinions..i think twice before i say sth..it really nv used to be like that in the past..during guides i would just do wadeva i want to do..be crazy..jump around or anything..i wont care if ppl find me weird..cos all the friendships have already been secured..i don have to try at all to maintain some image or anything..but everything's so different now..i seem such a passive girl..someone who is incapable of contributing much..haiz why cant i be as active as i used to be?? life would seem much more fulfilling and nice...i need to feel involved and committed..but i just cant..
perhaps its how i look at things..but guess its too late to change anything now..ok maybe its not..but everything has become kinda stagnant..fixed..numb..that i don really care or try anymore..
and maybe friends are more impt??not achievements?? so maybe the greatest achievement i can get from jc is to make a few more true friends and to maintain the wonderful frienships i already have..
really glad we're able to meet up rather often..it really does provide a source of respite from my monotonous jc life...
i wanna be a happy girl..like i used to be..
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