hehe i should seriously be trying to catch up on my work now but i just wanted to get some thoughts off my head..hmm i know it's cny and everyone should be in a festive and happy mood so i'm sorry if this entry sounds much too solemn! i tend to blog about more sad stuff than happy haha..
hmm i was at my grandma's house today..the same place for the 3rd day in a row! hehe..and while the rest (like kimmie, zk and my aunts) were playing mj i decided to try to read some stuff in my pohpoh's bedroom..my auntie (my mummy's 2nd eldest sis..my pohpoh has 5 daughters..and only this aunt is not married and stays with my grandma) came into the room..and we ended up talking quite a bit..
we usually just chat about neutral, surface-level topics like what i do at school or her job scope or recent happenings about my grandma..but today, i was surprised she started telling me more 'philosophical' stuff of a deeper level, but which made me very sad too, even though i didn't show it..
hmm i think i blogged about this aunt before actually..i'll always view her as the long-suffering aunt who lives for the family instead of herself..each festive season, like christmas or chinese new year, many relatives would visit this house and my aunt would always be the one who spends the few days before making trips to the market and preparing almost all the food (which is a lot and very sumptuous and generous)..and while everyone attempts to dress up for the occasion, she's always in what we call 'home attire'..a plain t-shirt and bermudas..while everyone sits together at the table to eat, she'll always refuse to eat together with us and will eat later on with the maid behind at the kitchen, cos she'll always wanna make sure everyone is eating fine first..
to be honest, i hardly show my affection or gratitude towards all that she's been doing for the family (i just can't seem to take away my nonchalant facade in front of relatives) but i really wish i could hug her and tell her how much i appreciate her selflessness and how much i wish she would just live more for herself instead of others..
because she's not married, she dotes especially on my cousin and me..she does not earn a lot but she always makes it a point to shop for rather extravagant christmas presents for us..i wish she kept the money for herself instead..recently i started to show my 'affection' a little more and made her a christmas card last year..but i find it so insignificant to all the thoughts in my mind that i would like to let her know..
so anyway, back to our conversation today..she started talking about buying the toto this year..and i asked her, if you really struck it rich, what would you do with the money?
and she said,
"hmm if i get $5 million..no, actually i don't need so much la..$500,000 enough already..i'll give $50,000 to each of my sisters..your mummy $50,000, bigbok $50,000, marianne ahbok $50,000 and mai-ngoh $50,000..like that $200,000 gone already..then i'll take $200,000 and place it in fixed deposits..and the remaining $80,000 i'll use it to materialise my dream.."
so i asked her wad dream she had..and she started telling me about how she would own a serviced apartment in hainan island and then set up a travel agency to promote it to people in indonesia as well as muslims in singapore..she even went on to show me this file full of brochures and print outs of her research she did of the island..and said 'this is just my dream la..but i don't know if it can be materialised'..
and i felt such a strong urge inside to be able to finance such a plan of hers, whether or not i'm confident it will succeed..it's the first time i heard her have such a dream to indulge in, i really wish i could help her fulfil it..hmm i think when i start earning money, i will set aside a portion each month for my parents, my grandma, and this auntie..haha though i think this measly amount can hardly contribute to such a proper, commercial venture..
hmm her next thought affected me much more deeply..i asked her why she would want to put $200,000 into fixed deposits, instead of spending it to better her lifestyle (which is currently very simple and frugal)..she said, when she passes on, her will would specify for half the amount to go to me, and the other half to my cousin..
and she launched into a whole discussion about death..about her writing a list of things she would want us to do for her..that she would not want us to cry..her list of favourite songs for us to play..she even said she might burn them into a cd in case we cannot find those songs..that she would want her ashes to be scattered so that we will not remember her..and she said we have to make preparations like these, for one has to think about what others would do should you leave suddenly..and she revealed to me that she's visited numerous fortune tellers who told her she won't live past 65..and that she believed them..
i really felt like crying there and then..those thoughts were getting too morbid and depressing for me i just felt a heavy weight on me as i lay on the bed..but of course i wanted to maintain a less emotional facade..i just kept silent and started swinging the charm on my handphone..
i did not want to have to imagine if she wasn't around..and how i'll never have the chance to properly repay her for all that she's given to us..and how could she expect us not to remember her just by scattering her ashes?? how could we?
haiz sometimes i really wish she had gotten married, had her own children who she'll dote on unconditionally and who would be able to take care of her and shower her with all the concern that she deserves..so i asked her why she chose not to get married (something i was always curious about but didn't dare ask) and she said it's cos she had to take care of her younger sisters..
i really wish she lived more for her own happiness..it pains me that all her other sisters are married with their own children, while she just gives unconditionally to the family without really getting any true familial companionship in return..
i must get rid of this barrier and try to spend more time with her and give more to her..
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the other saddening thought arose when we were in the car, on our way back home just now..there was this old lady in the neighbouring car, who caught our attention because she threw sth out of the window..and later we realised she's kinda senile cos she was making funny expressions like sticking out her tongue and all..and our first impressions were more inclined towards 'repulsiveness'?
what struck me was not the fear of becoming like this when i'm old one day, but the fact that she was sober, sane, aware in her younger days..and was probably in my position as a young teen who felt distant when seeing old people and their quirky ways..what would she have felt as a younger girl if she could foresee that she would lose her mental awareness one day?
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okie on to more happy stuff, i wanted to say thank you to 3 people for giving me handmade stuff!
firstly, to chujie who decided to give me a cute little card, the kind with cute animals and a friendship quote which fits nicely into your wallet..because she read about rainbow..
and to xiuxia for so thoughtfully making v-day cards for EVERYONE! wahh i'll never have the patience to do for so many people lor..and for the sweet message inside :) hope you're not emo anymore!
and to enghui for the super pretty bookmarkkk! it's nice lor stop belittling your skills..i'm glad i could help you just that little bit..and it's partly cos i'm blessed with staying so near to you!
and also to edmund for the chinese new year card! hahaa it's the first time i've ever received a cny card from a friend, esp through post summore! hehe edmund so traditional and ah pek! :p
simple gifts like that really make me happy and thankful :)
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and to peipei, i hope you'll not be emo anymore :) and thanks for being genuinely concerned about me and trying to ka chiao me whenever u think i'm emo-ing! not talking doesn't mean i'm emo-ing okie..i just have a sulky face by nature hehe
oops this is such a lengthy post i'll post photos another time!
happy cny everyone :D
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