"the last thing you know about yourself is your effect"

this particular line from William Boyd's Brazaville Beach resonated especially strongly in my mind when i read the book. i occasionally have fleeting, abstract thoughts of how i would perceive myself if i were someone else.

would i seem overly-polite, interested, or eager to please? would i think i was reliable, intelligent, but humble at the same time? would my high-pitched voice be annoying or sweet? when my friends hang out with me, do they feel at ease, or a constant need to maintain a more-than-enthusiastic conversation?

it's easy for us to form a perception of others- 'oh he's so full of himself', 'she has such a beautiful heart!', 'he seems so passive about anything' etc. but are those people aware of the vibes they are giving people? have they consciously acted upon a desire to portray to others an image they have (or hope to) have of themselves inside?

i guess more often than not, our intended portrayal of ourselves will not be identical to our perceived image by others. firstly, it is not easy at all to consistently adhere to our values/principles/resolutions in everything we do. secondly, how we think we are behaving may not actually manifest itself in its entirety in our actions. thirdly, and most impactfully, how we regard our actions may simply not be received by external parties in the same manner.

that is why i think the above quote summarizes this rather abstract thought succinctly.

if i thought my life at work was too mundane, i got the drama/twist i wanted (well, not really so) yesterday. if i thought i had portrayed a professional image so far, it probably went down the drain yesterday.

i actually cried in front of my manager.

thinking back now, it seems stupid, immature, emotional of me to have been shaken so easily. there are probably a lot of things i need to learn- how to achieve emotional detachment when it comes to work for one, and how to be resilient in the face of non-well-meaning colleagues who seek to put you down.

it all happened at our weekly team meeting. in essence, i raised a suggestion that the rest were actually in favour of prior to the meeting, but got rejected by my manager for a reason i still cannot comprehend till now. i doubt the rest really do, but no one said anything, probably out of fear for appearing to be dissidents. but i persisted in my argument, not because i wanted to get my way, but because i was not convinced of my manager's explanation for rejection. each time i said i didn't understand, he would repeat his argument in the exact same way, and obviously, it wouldn't make a difference to my understanding! but of course, the boss always wins, and i gave up after a while reluctantly.

the outcome of the meeting was one i dreaded: me being stuck in our shift system with a colleague (let's call him Big Head) who is derogatory with his words, who cherry-picks his tasks (e.g. avoiding the more tedious ones), and who loves to curry favour his bosses. worst of all, this system would prevent me from ever being able to have lunch with the 2 colleagues whom i'm closest to, kerene and phebe (introduced them here before). silly as it sounds, it's having lunch with them and other people i like which makes me look forward to going to work. of course, i didn't voice these concerns as it would seem too...bitchy and needy?

what became the last straw was, after we all dispersed from the meeting room and headed back to our desks, Big Head came over to me and said, "deborah, you keep forgetting he's your boss".

i replied, "but what's wrong with raising alternative suggestions and viewpoints?"

he smirked, "but you raised it multiple times".

really, what was his intention of saying that to me? i felt i was righteous in fighting for the good of everyone, but he made me feel as though i was disrespectful to my boss. not sure if it really does make him feel better, but he has the habit of saying mean things to put others down, and talking in a loud and condescending tone. the most disgusting thing was, he was the one who pioneered that suggestion i raised, just that i was the one who brought it up during the meeting. and once the boss says no, he pretends to go along with the boss. i was so frustrated by everyone's inaction/lack of support during the meeting that i exclaimed, "but Big Head, you were the one who made this suggestion in the first place!" and he simply kept quiet. what a two-faced hypocrite!!

furthermore, who is he to make such comments when my manager said at the end of the meeting itself that he appreciated that there was someone like me who challenged his ways, instead of simply keeping quiet like the rest and then complaining behind his back?

the dreadful thought of being stuck with him for the shifts just intensified a thousand times more.

i called my previous internship buddy, to whom i'm very close to and who now sits 2 storeys below, down for a walk. i must have disappeared from my desk for a noticeable amount of time, as my always-sensitive manager called me in for a one-to-one meeting. he started with apologizing if he appeared defensive and re-explained his rationale for rejecting my suggestion. i couldn't help it, but brought up to my manager the mean thing Big Head said to me. just as i conveyed it, i just started crying!

i think there was simply too much pent-up emotions inside- that no one supported me during the meeting even though they preferred my suggestion; that Big Head was so two-faced in changing his stance just to curry favour; that phebe unintentionally sabotaged me to be stuck with Big Head; that i would dread work everyday since i would not be able to have lunch with kerene/phebe; that Big Head made that mean comment and made me dread working with him even more; the act of being a dissident who had to take each blow from my manaher while the rest kept mum also stirred up much emotions internally.

my manager was very nice about it, and assured that he has known me since my internship, he knows what i'm like. he even went on to say things like he thinks i'm really good, he values me, and has told his boss that i'm good as well blah blah... he also said Big Head, who was brought up in a Western culture, may be more direct with his words but may not mean what he said. my manager is really nice like this, and has this uncanny ability to make his subordinates feel better all the time.

still, i am embarrassed that i actually shed tears in front of him. i don't want to appear like a weak, young girl who cannot handle stressful situations properly, which i know i have much to improve upon.

this brings me back to the quote. i think it would help if i was more aware of my 'effect'. did i really seem overbearing and disrespectful, even though my manager himself and another colleague present assured me i wasn't? if Big Head was more aware of his 'effect', would he be so obnoxious?

despite the negative sentiments from this incident that still make me recoil in embarrassment and disappointment, i'm going to take away with it an important lesson: to never let emotions get in the way of work, and to always be mindful of my 'effect'.