i always thought..

i was the only child by a conscious choice of my parents.

i never really liked the connotations of being one- people tend to associate an only child with traits such as 'being spoilt, pampered, more blessed than others'. these may be true to a certain extent, also for some and not for others.

my parents may spoil and even pamper me, almost never refusing to give me whatever i want. but i don't think i am spoilt, because it is also such unconditional love from them that i will never want to take advantage of. perhaps it is also cos they love me so much that i feel my life is blessed enough, and there is really nothing much (materially) that i should lust for.

i don't ever ask my parents for pocket money. but they are always keen to offer, sometimes even insisting i accept it. but all the more this makes me feel the need to be thrifty, not to splurge on unnecessary items, including better food (unless it's a friends' gathering which i then attribute the spending not to the food but the purchase of quality time with them).

i feel blessed, not because i am an only child, but because i have such wonderful parents who not only love me so much, but also taught me the importance of being humble and sensitive to the situation of others. when i was younger, each time we passed by a doggie figurine piggy bank outside ntuc which collected donations for the spca, or a student selling flags, mummy would always pass me some coins to slot into these containers. at that time, i merely sought fun in hearing the coins go in, somewhat like what you feel when you deposit letters or return a library book. but as i am older now, i can see how much i'm influenced by the actions and values of my parents.

they instilled in me the importance of sharing one's 'wealths' with others, be it in terms of emotional well-being (in providing emotional support for others), physical well-being (like how mummy would wanna feed the birds or feel sympathetic towards a hungry, meowing cat), money (not that we're rich, but at least able to donate to less fortunate people; i always believe that unless you're the one poorest person in this world, anyone has the financial ability to donate, no matter how small the amount), technical understanding (like helping a friend in his or her work if i understand the topic better) and so on...

i remember each time i said something insensitive when i was young, my parents would tell me 'girl, you don't talk like that. it's not nice'. they did not scold me at all, but i would always feel sooo guilty and ashamed after that that i could actually say something so insensitive. lessons like that, i remember for life.

hehe okie, i know i still shoot my mouth off sometimes, but it's usually in jest..so if any of you ever felt 'put down' by me, just know that i don't mean it. cos i never believe in any human being more superior than another, unless you really earn my respect with commendable moral values, like michael jackson has. i truly feel he's one of the best (in all aspects) human beings who ever set foot on this earth :)

so i've always wondered what it would feel like to have a sibling. i guess i could never really comprehend. yes, i grew up with kimmie since i was a baby, and we spent almost every day together all the way till sec 2 when i shifted house and we were in different schools. we squabbled and fought like i guess how other siblings would, we bathed together, did everything together, but i guess it's not the same. because we still do have different parents.

i would never understand what is is like to share parents with someone else. i do wish to have siblings though.

i always thought it was a waste that my parents chose to have only one child. i thought they made that decision so as to better nurture this one child, and also perhaps they were more tight financially when i was younger.

but over the cny i realised it is fate that our family structure turned out this way. mummy and i were talking about giving ang baos, and how it is always 'expensive', when a relative or family friend has sooo many kids while she only has one, in the ang bao trade.

and i commented, "see la, who ask you have 1 child only!"

and mummy replied 'sheng bu chu', meaning cannot give birth to more..

i repeated, "sheng bu chu?"

and she said, "ya lor your daddy drink so much (beer) how to have more?"

and she elaborated that they actually waited 4 years for me to arrive, and that i was already a miracle for them...i didn't know!! they got married when mummy was 27, and i was only born when she reached 31...and i asked, "you all tried immediately meh??"

and mummy said, "kind of lor".

it was a huge revelation for me. i never really dared approach this topic directly as, from experience, they always skirted around the topic and never really gave me a proper reply. it was always something like 'you so naughty, have one already cannot manage, how to have more than one?' i knew it couldn't really be that way, but i always kind of accepted that reason.

but anway, this realization kind of put my heart at ease. at least i don't have that 'wasted' feeling anymore, as it would be if it had been a conscious choice on the part of mummy and daddy.

as the only child, i know i have more responsibilities towards my parents. and i will make sure i'm the best daughter to them and will give them the best lives (especially after i start working), just like how they've given the same to me. :)